Acting Responsible

Happy Birthday Baby

2010-03-06T19:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Beanface,
Six months ago (and a few days...you know your mommy can't do anything RIGHT on time can she?) we met for the very first time. Your arrival, not surprisingly as you are my child, was dramatic and fraught with adventure. But that isn't what I want to tell you. I want to tell you how wonderful it has been to get to know you.

You were so small when your daddy and I got to meet you for the first time. We both looked at you with tears in our eyes because you were so perfect. A bit blue, but they fixed that right away! Then your Aunty C and Uncle C, your Papa, Grandpa, Gan and 'Ma'came right in to meet you and you were surrounded by all of those who loved so much you even before they met you! They were soon followed by all the other aunts and uncles in your life that love you and were excited to meet you! You might be the most loved baby EVER!

Every day has been a wonderful adventure with you my little bean. I treasure every minute that I got to hold you snuggling in my arms when you were only a few days old. I have watched you discover, learn and conquer the world for you are super baby.

Now that you are laughing, watching things, talking your bean language and trying to grab everything in sight, I see the little man that you are going to become. You are curious and strong, filled with a ready laugh and giggle at so many things. You love cats and plastic bags, trains and squishy blue stuffed dogs, eating your feet and blowing raspberries and of course, Sophie La Giraffe. You think blueberries taste yummy, squash is awesome and peas are very very gross. I tasted the peas and I agree with you. Trust me, when you can eat fresh spring peas, you will think they are yummy, but right now, we'll hide them in the squash okay? You are a flirt and a joker and you wear every emotion on your tiny little sleeve. You are king of the exersaucer and lord of the cheeks! You are above the curve in every way my son!

Thank you, sweet bean, for teaching me about love, patience, joy and happiness. Because of you, I have learned to love you and your daddy with more of my heart than I knew was there. Because of you, I have learned that nothing is important enough to miss the best things in life...like putting on baby socks or blowing raspberries on bellies. Because of you, I have learned that nothing is better than a family of giggles. Because of you, I have learned that it is my duty to make sure everything I do, or almost everything (apparently I still need to pick up my socks. blah), makes me well and truly happy. I am inspired to do great things to make you proud.

I can't wait to see what the rest of our adventure holds! I love you little man!

Love,
Momma-bean

A little bit of guest blogging

2010-02-16T16:20:00.000-08:00

I haven't been blogging here as much as I would like for a few reasons.

1. I love the Olympics.

2. I have 4 sports channels. See #1

3. As I live in the Olympic city, I am trying to go out and see as much as I can

4. I did a wee guest blog for my good friends at yoyo mama.

Check it out!

We will be back to regularly scheduled activities soon. Thank you for your patience.

Label me this.

2010-02-12T08:54:00.000-08:00

For four years, I went to theatre school to attain the lofty heights of a Bachelor of Fine Arts. I graduated with honours and went on to pursue a career in Acting. I did so for several years, attaining some success-not enough to make a living-but enough to make my resume look pretty spiffy.

In the last few years, I have let my acting career sleep due to other pursuits. Like making enough money so that I can buy pants. And cheese.

But since having my giant baby, I have realized the importance of doing things that make me the happiest, because a happy mommy is a good mommy.

So, in addition to pursuing writing more diligently, I am getting back on the acting horse! Its a fickle horse to be sure, but one that I have missed kicking me in the teeth every so often.

The question is, when am I allowed to call myself an actor again?

Do I subscribe to the theory that, like dressing for the job you want, not the job you have, one should say you are the thing you want to be, not the thing you are? Or am I then getting on the slippery slope of the actor slash singer (Taylor Swift, Mariah Carey)? I cannot tell you how much it frosts my cookies when a semi-famous person decides they can act or sing just because they are famous (Paris freaking Hilton) without a second of training or experience to back them up. Not everyone can be Justin Timberlake (sigh).

Lord knows I wouldn't want my doctor doing that. Or my airline pilot. Or my cheesemonger.

I suppose I feel somewhat justified in calling myself an actor, due to the years of training and audience abuse. But I do feel like a bit of a fraud as I am not making any money at it and I haven't struggled at it for a bit. Do I wait until I get my first pay check? My first rejection? My first nervous breakdown?

Why does it matter anyhow? Why do I worry about these things? I have more important things to worry about, like how to get the poo out of my husband's white t-shirt (AAA! I did it again! POO!)

I think, for now, I will label myself as a practitioner in the creative arts.

Makes me sound a bit like a witch.

I think I like that.

It all comes down to the poo

2010-02-06T18:02:00.000-08:00

One of the reasons I have been reticent to start blogging again is my fear of becoming one of those MOMS. You know the type. The woman who blogs-and if you meet her on the street, talks- incessantly about the adventures and hardships of being a mom, the trials and tribulations of parenthood and the cute things that her kids say and do. And thats it. No current events, no pop culture, nothing but her kid.

And, of course, their poo.

Now don't get me wrong. There are PLENTY of women out there who are moms who write, and talk, about motherhood and their kids in a new and inspiring way. But they also write, and talk, about other things and don't define themselves solely as a capital M Mom. Sure, they are moms, but they are also writers, actors, businesswomen, wives, partners, creators, lawyers, entrepreneurs and generally nifty people.

Who rarely talk about poo.

I guess for me, the level of obsessive mommyness directly correlates to the amount of poo one refers to in a conversation.

And lately, I have become one of those moms.

The poo moms.

ALL I think, breathe and talk about seems to be my son.

And his poo.

How much, when, colour, frequency, size, smell and above all, staining power.

Who am I? When did this happen?

I used to be an exciting and dynamic woman who was intelligent and witty and could converse on any subject at the drop of a hat!

Now, I catch myself talking to people I have just met about poo.

This has to stop. My husband is starting to stare at me like I am an alien. My friends avoid me. And my son is starting to hide his diapers. And he is only 5.5 months old.

I guess, dear reader, what this posting is telling you is that from henceforth, I resolve to never, ever, EVER, talk about my son's poo.

Unless of course, you really want me to. Or its really interesting.

Which reminds me of this funny thing that happened the other day after he finished his mashed bananas...

Everything old is new again

2010-02-05T09:01:00.000-08:00

It has been almost 2 years since I last blogged. So why start again? My many changes in life (married, new giant 5 month old baby, not being at work), have made me realize that I miss my wee creative outlets. Like this one. Yes, much of what I have written in the past is no longer current or relevant, but some of it is screamingly funny and astute if I do say so myself. Perhaps I am beating a dead horse resurrecting this old thing. Perhaps I should start anew. But for now...this is it.

As I said to a very clever girlfriend yesterday, the birth of my baby has made me realize how much better things are in life if I make an effort to do things that make me truly happy. Like writing. Or eating cheese. Or tickling my son's tummy. It may mean that colossal life changes are afoot for me. What do I do with my life? How do I maximize the time with my son and my husband while still being the best me I can be? How do I do this while making money so that I can enjoy time with said son and husband and still eat? How do I do this while making ENOUGH money so that I can enjoy time with said husband and son and buy these boots?

Time will tell I suppose. For now, I guess I just continue Acting Responsible.

oh i am so clever.

Mayoral Moron

2008-02-04T13:11:00.000-08:00

I am not an overly politically vocal individual. Yes, I have strong political leanings and I have been known to be an armchair political commentary, generally about Stephen Harper and his creepiness and general evilness. While not being a card carrying member of the NDP, I tend to lean left in my beliefs and vote to reflect that. In general my political interest stops at the federal and provincial level. Municipal politics doesn't interest me that much.

That however has been changed thanks to Vancouver's mayor and resident moron, Sam Sullivan. I have now made it my goal to ensure that he does NOT get re-elected to run the fair city I work in. I live in Burnaby. The Burnaby Mayor Derek Corrigan has a lovely mustache and is fairly innocuous. Go Derek Go!

Oh Sam....Sam Sam Sam.

I have in the past waxed poetically on Mayor Sullivan and Project Civil City. A momentary lapse in judgment due to expectorant. It will not happen again.

Before I continue to rant...let us recap our young mayor's bio:

1. Gave money to someone to buy drugs and smoke them in his van
2. Project Civil City-lord knows what he was thinking. Of COURSE being polite should be top priority.
3. Sullivan's Strike
4. $400,000.00 per year for a security guard for a CLOCK

And his most recently publicized brilliant idea...

No sirens on emergency vehicles at night.

WHAT?

This REALLY burns my cookies.

Mayor Sullivan appealed to Premier Gordon Campbell last year asking him to change the law regarding emergency vehicles and siren usage. Apparently the Mayor's sleep was being disrupted in his chic Yaletown condo. Effective January 31, 2008, emergency vehicle drivers around BC are encouraged to use their discretion when driving later at night.

Edited to note: City of Vancouver emergency vehicle drivers have chosen NOT to turn off their sirens...beautifully ironic...isn't it?

Um...dude...get a freaking grip. SO WHAT if you lose a few minutes of sleep because a fire truck, ambulance or police car are heading to or from an emergency. Just take a nap at work! No one will notice the difference

As it stands right now, Vancouver residents are HORRIBLE when it comes to getting out of the way of emergency vehicles. I am frequently stunned at the average driver's inability to get out of the way of flashing lights and sirens. And pedestrians are even worse!

Dear God in heaven Sammy...get your head OUT of your freaking butt and grab a clue! There are better things for you to be spending your time on than politeness and loud sirens! Why don't you check out the homeless in the Downtown Eastside Sammy? Or better yet...just trade spaces with them. Allow a few to shack up in your condo while you sleep under that cardboard box. Then maybe the sirens won't wake you up as much...

When the cat's away

2008-01-31T16:09:00.001-08:00

I work in an office with a bunch of VERY hard working creative people. We have all had extremely stressful weeks, what with crazy clients, unrealistic deadlines and impossible dreams.

Today...for whatever reason...we were a bit slow. And our two biggest practical jokers were out of the office...

Here is what happened...Needless to say...I am never going on vacation...

Talk to the hand

2008-01-31T15:39:00.000-08:00

This morning as I was crossing Burrard on my way to the office, the woman in front of me held up her hand to all cars. She didn't just casually lift her hand to say "Hey! Thanks for stopping" or even "Hey! Nice wheels!". No, she FLUNG her hand towards the cars waiting patiently for us as we crossed the road as if to say "LOOK AT MY HAND! IT IS POWERFUL AND MIGHTY, YOU ASSHOLE DRIVER!!!"

I witness this kind of behaviour frequently when navigating my car through Vancouver traffic...and I am going to be honest with you...it simply does NOT illicit the response that I think this lady is thinking it does.

It takes EVERY ounce of my restraint to NOT step on the gas and run over pedestrians that "give me the hand". Do they really think the only reason I'm not running them over is because of their hand? That I say to myself "OH! Its a hand! I guess I won't run the red light and mow down this pedestrian because of THE HAND!"?

Silly walkers. What I, and I am guessing every other driver being given "the hand" is thinking is "I really want to run you over. Desperately. Do you REALLY think I'm that dumb? Do you REALLY think you are that much better than me because you are a pedestrian? You are an idiot. I want to make you road pizza. Grrrrrrrrr."

Perhaps I have a bit of pent up rage I need to deal with...

Thumbs Up: Once

2008-01-21T16:54:00.000-08:00

I

LOVED

THIS

MOVIE!

There...got that out of the way.

The hubby and I watched Once about a month ago. We had been wanting to see it for sometime, but hadn't really gotten around to it.

That, my friends, was a mistake.

This is truly a lovely lovely movie.

Nothing explodes.

No one dies.

There is no gratuitous nudity, violence or really...anything.

It is a movie that I defy anyone...ANYONE to watch and not smile about when the movie is done.

The story is simple...

Guy meets Girl (that's actually how they're billed in the credits). Guy and Girl sing. So they sing together, find out they kind of like each other...but its complicated. So they continue to sing. Alot. But its lovely music. So its a musical, but not in that "I am so happy I am going to burst into song and do a nifty dance move" kind of musical. Its a movie about music. And good music at that.

And it rocked.

The movie is set in Dublin, so the scenery is marvy, the accents are brilliant and the scarves are snuggly. The music will engage your heart.

"Guy" is played by Glen Hansard the lead singer, guitarist and a founding member of Irish rock group The Frames. His only other acting experience comes from another wee Irish movie, The Commitments. "Girl" is played by Marketa Irglova. All the music in the film was written by the two of them. Hansard and Irglova previously released an album together called "The Swell Season."

To quote Stephen Spielberg (yup...thats right...Stephen Spielberg)
"A little movie called Once gave me enough inspiration to last the rest of the year."

And it will...really...it will...

You can take the girl off the island...

2008-01-14T20:35:00.000-08:00

I grew up on Vancouver Island in the Cowichan Valley. It was a lovely and slightly idyllic existence on a farm with goats, cats and a really smelly dog named Flashy.

There are a few ways to recognize a girl that grew up SO CLOSE to Duncan (but not Duncan itself. this is key. Its like Surrey and White Rock. Trust me on this) They include:

Her love of heavy metal. Specifically Metallica, AC/DC, The Scorpions and Megadeth
Her ability to drink anyone under the table at any time
Her ability to tell the difference between a Jersey and a Holstein (they are cows by the way)
Her big hair
Her overwhelming glee at the resurgence of shows like...

AMERICAN GLADIATORS!!!

Oh the cheese. Oh the yelling. Oh the ludicrous outfits and even more ludicrous names.

Wolf

Hellga

AND its hosted by Laila Ali and Hulk Hogan!

OH THE JOY!

All this joy go me to thinking about the old classic American Gladiators. Whatever happened to them? Malibu, Lace and Nitro...where are they now???

Well thanks to the CRACKERJACK research of my fantastic coworker I found THIS!

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Happy anniversary to me

2008-01-10T13:26:00.000-08:00

A year ago (almost) I started this blog with the intention of writing more, expressing myself, doing something creative and bringing light to the world.

pause for the chorous of angels.

As of late, I have been EXTREMELY lax in my blogging. I could come up with a variety of exciting excuses...but alas, it just comes down to being VERY VERY LAZY!

yes, its sad.

But NO MORE!

I will be better now that the year has started and I am newly motivated!

I will blog about the adventures I have on BC Transit like this morning when I was hit on by a REALLY cute 21 year old med student on the bus on the way to work. Did I mention he was REALLY cute? However, I became SO distracted by the fact that I "still have it" (YAY ME) that I missed my stop and had to walk an extra 10 blocks to work in the rain.

pause as my husband falls over in hysterical laughter at what a dork his wife is.

I will blog about my love for my job. Seriously. I LOVE MY JOB!

I will blog about new exciting shows like the RETURN OF AMERICAN GLADIATORS which has me embarrassingly excited.

I will NOT blog about the fact that I am doing a cleanse again. And that I am REALLY craving cheese and I am only on day three.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I WILL blog about the fact that I am in a show! YAY ME! I am doing the Vagina Monologues at the Red Robinson Show Theatre in Coquitlam on March 1! SNAP!

I will blog about the rehearsal process of the aforementioned show including my experience with the "make your own vagina" craft project that I will be participating in this coming Sunday.

no, I did not make that up.

And SO MUCH MORE!

The spirit has moved me...and has me moving FAST baby!

A whole new world

2007-11-17T09:06:00.000-08:00

I am the goddess of transit.

I can now tell you in no uncertain terms the 7 different reliable ways that will get you from the Edmonds area in Burnaby 4th and Burrard. I can tell you which routes have the best bus drivers (the 84 UBC all the way) and what routes will have the most angry people (the 7 Powell at 5:00 pm is alarming).

I can also tell you what classes where all the med students live (Robson and Burrard), where the rude people live (near Granville Island) and the music choices of the transit travelller on which route (the 44 UBC appeals to the Christian Rock listener while the 84 UBC has a fair amount of emo).

Its a whole new adventure for me! A world of new people to watch!

HOORAY!

There are no words...

2007-11-12T19:59:00.001-08:00

thank you Evil Beet...

Fashion is not for the faint of heart...

2007-11-12T19:03:00.000-08:00

I think if I had all the time in the world...you know, didn't have to work for a living or any of that stuff, I would dabble in fashion design.

And jewelry design.

And cooking.

And light automotive repair.

Okay, I'm not so good at the focusing thing, but I WOULD love to be a fashion designer.

I remember making clothing for my Barbies when I was young. I made tiny ball gowns, accessories, costumes etc.

I made my grad dress in grade 12, much to the chagrin of my grad date as I was sewing up until 2 hours before the dance.

I love to sew, create, play with clothing and fabric, but these days, I just don't have the time or the room.

Stupid apartment living.

Lately, I have been getting my fashion fix from Project Runway Canada.

I am quite impressed by it actually. It has its own personality and the designers do some great stuff. I don't really understand why Iman is hosting...I would have thought someone like Linda Evangelista would have been a better choice, but Iman isn't too bad.

My current favourite designer on the show is Biddell.

He is a self-taught designer. From skater gear to bridal gowns, Biddell’s self-described “Street Couture” has been featured in boutiques in Calgary, Vancouver (El Kartel has carried his line), and Victoria. He describes his aesthetic as loud and clean—clothes that get noticed.

I LOVE his stuff-so fun and crazy. I am going to have to track down his stuff. Its fierce baby...fierce.

GO BIDELL GO!

ooops...

2007-11-08T09:54:00.000-08:00

My husband berated me last night for being a bad blogger.

Which is, of course, true.

I have been a HORRIBLE blogger.

I blame my job.

In the past, I blogged at work due to boredom and general job hatred.

I now love my job so much I may explode.

So I need to actually blog at home. On my own time. wow. THAT will be a challenge.

Except for today. Today I am blogging at work as there is a small lull before the sacrifice.

I am not making this up.

Today we are sacrificing a 21’’ flat screen monitor and a 1998 vintage Mac Laserwriter printer at the top of the back stairwell.

I love my job.

Blog Action Day

2007-10-15T16:37:00.000-07:00

Today is Blog Action Day!

Today thousands of bloggers around the world are blogging about the environment.

I know issues surrounding our little green planet can be contentious to say the least. I am sure many people find the concept of global warming confusing and insurmountable.

What can we do? Is there anything TO do? Is this all one colossal conspiracy to get Al Gore in office?

So today...the lights are going off and the veggies are coming out at the Acting Responsible household. We area going to work on minimum electrical power, turn down the heat and eat a low footprint meal containing organically grown local produce for dinner! YAY US!

Here are a few fabulous resources that not only help you make your OWN decision on climate change and global warming, but will help you to do YOUR part to keep our planet happy, healthy and here for a long long time...

What are YOU going to do???

We Can Live Green
A fantastic portal for all things you may need to go and live green. From cosmetics to food to travel, the folks at We Can Live Green have put together an amazing list of resources!

Greentech Media
Have some money burning a hole in your pocket that you need to invest RIGHT NOW? The folks at Greentech Media have your back!

DeSmogBlog
The folks at DeSmogBlog are aiming to clear the PR Pollution that clouds climate science. Not really sure what to believe? The pr pundits at DeSmogBlog can help you find all the information you may need on BOTH sides of the debate!!!

The Final countdown

2007-10-15T08:18:00.000-07:00

WOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!

It's the last week of work for me.

I can't stop grinning.

For the last few days, whenever people see me they say.

"Wow...you are glowing. Why do you look so happy?"

BECAUSE I AM ALMOST DONE MY JOB! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I have two days with the hated board president Mimi (yech). I am going to try to be the bigger person (although that is physically impossible. The woman is built like Refrigerator Perry and smells like llama poop). It should be interesting. They have decided not to hire anyone to replace me, which is both a compliment and insulting as it means that I am irreplaceable (yah me), AND they think that they don't need anyone to do my job (jerks).

I am trying not to care too much. I put so much into this job and I have seen so much growth and I KNOW they are going to lose all of that. I am hoping that they wake up and realize how important the relationships etch I set up are for them, but I am not holding my breath.

It alarms me how horrible they have been in fact. One would think that being the worlds smallest non profit, they would try to avoid burning bridges and try to cultivate me as a volunteer and supporter. Instead they have alienated me. It does reaffirm my thought that they all live with their heads firmly planted up their asses though...

Soon...it will all be over and I will start the new DREAM job at the new fantastic place. They have already given me my office mug and new email address:) I feel so loved...

Is it just me, or is this a redundant conversation?

2007-10-11T08:55:00.000-07:00

I had the following conversation with our building manager on Tuesday after the heinous car abuse that my wee little Protege had suffered...

Me: "Hi, I wanted to talk to you about the break in to my car."

He: "There is nothing I can do about it. Call ICBC."

Me: "Yes...I know that. I've done that already. I just thought you should know that our car got broken into. As did quite a few others."

He: "Yes, I talked to them yesterday. Its not very good. We should get cameras, but the strata won't pay for it"

Me: "I can see how that would be a problem. I also need a new access card as mine was taken from my car. Yes, i know we aren't supposed to leave them in the car, but you wouldn't give us two so we had to leave it in there as there are two of us with one car."

He: "Oh no! That's not good. Now they can get in the parking garage!"

Um...I think that may be where the problem started in the first place.

The apartment hunt has begun-west end, main street and downtown-I hear you calling me!

Thou pribbling clapper-clawed giglet!

2007-10-09T09:42:00.000-07:00

I have discovered the online Shakespearean Insult Kit.

Oh kit, where have you been all my life?

I really need it today, for some errant fen-sucking miscreants BROKE INTO MY CAR!

RRRRRRRRRRRRRR

There I was, calmly enjoying turkey, roast and a copious amount of wine, beer and Jack Daniels at the in-laws on Vancouver Island when some puny boil-brained varlet was SMASHING MY DRIVERS SIDE WINDOW. IN MY SECURE UNDERGROUND PARKING GARAGE!!!! And they stole NOTHING! NOTHING!

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

A pox on their houses.

This week is not starting off well...not starting off well at all.

I need to laugh.

Perhaps THIS will do...

Ahhhhhhhhh

Thank you Pete and Brian...thank you...

Quick health question

2007-10-04T10:34:00.000-07:00

Is trail mix, or "gorp" as the true geeks used to call it when I was in Girl Guides, still considered a healthy snack alternative to a bag of Lay's Sour Cream and Onion Ripple Chips if you eat a pound of it in one sitting?

Probably not huh?

Crap.

Funny fornication?

2007-10-03T10:43:00.000-07:00

In the process of looking for inspiration for my next writing project, I asked my husband what HE thought I should be scribbling about.

"Something humourous. There aren't that many female comedic writers-why don't you try to write something funny that ISN'T about shopping or diaries or turning 30. Just make sure its not about me. Because that's NOT funny. At all. Its especially not funny when you make fun of my accent. You are going to make fun of my accent aren't you. You suck."

French Canadian accents are fun. Go on-head out and ask a French Canadian to say "intersection", "drawer" or anything with a "th" in it. In fact, if you can get them to say "Who put that chest of drawers in the intersection", you'll be laughing for hours. Comedy FODDER!

But I digress.

So, I got on the trusty computer and started exploring that wacky world wide web for possible outlets for my acerbic, yet heartfelt wit. Something that will inspire my fingers to fly about the keyboard that isn't about my wacky neighbours or the drunks at the New West skytrain station.

And I discovered that apparently, there is a need for...wait for it...

Comedic erotica.

There are publishers out there looking for comedic erotica.

More than one publisher.

I can't even BEGIN to fathom what I would write...

Clowns having sex?

A description of me losing my virginity? (MOM! STOP READING THIS RIGHT NOW!!!!) 1989-the bathroom floor...hitting my head on the toilet and burning my leg on the heater. A regular laugh fest. Nope-I am pretty sure that's not what they are looking for. And I would potentially die of embarrassment in the process of writing it (who has sex on the bathroom floor for their first time? WHO?)

In fact, ANY story about experiences with my first few boyfriends (MOM! I WARNED YOU!). Those were all laugh riots, let me tell you. Phones were answered, closet doors fell on my head, clothing was put on backwards just before my dad walked in the room.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Honestly, its amazing I ever had sex again... (MOM! GO AWAY!)

Somehow, I JUST don't think that is what they mean...

Miss Manner's guide to dressing appropriately: Chapter 1

2007-10-02T08:57:00.000-07:00

An open letter to the man living somewhere on the third floor in my apartment building.

Dear sir,

You seem to be a very nice man. We have chatted several times in the elevator and while walking up the stairs. You are very polite, always hold the door open for me, and have intelligent things to say. I have suspicions that you are a member of the Russian Mafia as you drive a Mercedes Compressor AND an M Class SUV and live in a small somewhat nasty apartment building in Burnaby. You also have a ludicrous hair weave that nobody thinks is real. Nobody.

Now sir, I am not a fashion dictator. I understand that sometimes, one needs to wander downstairs to throw out the garbage in ones pyjamas. What Not To Wear isn't ALWAYS filming with hidden cameras and sometimes, you just need to be comfortable.

However sir, there is a limit to comfort.

Imagine my surprise when I got on to the elevator this morning and discovered you in your housecoat and aqua sox. AQUA SOX! HOUSECOAT! WHAT?

I was willing to let that slide and give you the benefit of the doubt. I was assuming you were heading to the garbage or recycling-there was no garbage evident, but maybe you were looking for something. However, when you turned toward the cars as I was and headed to your SUV I began to doubt that you were looking for your lost keys in amidst the detritus of our wee building. Perhaps you had just forgotten something in your car?

No... no...you had not.

You LEAPED into your car (and in the process revealed that you were not, in fact, wearing anything under your housecoat...AAAAAAAAAAAAA), turned it on, and DROVE AWAY! IN YOUR HOUSECOAT AND AQUA SOX! AND WEARING NOTHING UNDER YOUR HOUSECOAT! AAAAAAAA!

I didn't need to see that sir. I didn't need to see your wedding tackle. Your crown jewels. Your frank and beans. Any of it. It may have scarred me. It was a totally unexpected display of nudity and honestly sir...it wasn't...well...some people just shouldn't be nude. We'll just leave it at that.

I am concerned sir. It concerns me that you seem to think its okay to wander the streets in your housecoat. With no pants. Or underpants. In fact, wearing NOTHING resembling pants. It is not okay. It is not okay at all. You are not Nick Nolte. It wasn't okay for him either.

How hard is it to put on pants and a shirt? And appropriate footwear? Honestly, its not that difficult. I do it every day and I am NOT a morning person! I can barely even see when I leave the house, yet I am still DRESSED! I am not even asking for coordination-just common decency.

And pants.

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY PUT ON SOME PANTS!

Signed,

The now slightly scarred blonde from the second floor.

Forced Creativity

2007-10-01T09:25:00.000-07:00

This weekend, as I was getting more and more angry at the thought that I had to come to work on Monday to the evil job from hell because my bosses have become giant flaming assholes of evil that I want to stab several times and spit in the gaping wounds, I thought to myself that perhaps I need to put more energy into the creative side of myself in order to release some of that pent up energy. And anger. Crap loads of anger.

I always used to think of myself as a creative soul. I headed off to theatre school with my handmade sweaters, sketch book and journal ready to take on the world one creative act at a time. But as of late, I find I define myself less as a creative soul and more as...well...just me. I don't think its a BAD thing-I find people are WAY TOO hampered by their definitions of themselves. My coworker has decided that she is a warm person and very empathetic, and because I am not like her, I am by extension NOT warm OR empathetic (which is of course horse poop. I am warm and empathetic. I just don't cry at the drop of a hat. Maybe at the drop of a REALLY nice pair of shoes, but certainly not a hat).

I think however I need to work on fostering that creative side more-whatever that may be. I am losing myself in my work and in reality television, and that's just not right. The problem is it takes work, and I am REALLY BAD at motivating myself. I LOVE motivating other people (you there! Lunchy! GET PUBLISHING! The Georgia Straight is ONLY the beginning!).

There is also the problem of DEFINING creativity. Many people think of creativity of being artistic in nature, but that isn't necessarily true. In one of my past jobs, I worked at a biotechnology company, and let me tell you, those scientists were pretty darned creative. No only with what they wore (seriously-the whole "scientists are badly dressed geeks" thing is pretty well spot on. Yes, some were quite fashionable, but some...well...lets just say REALLY tiny jean shorts on a 45 year old Russian engineer and leave it at that). So if I am creative in the WAY that I work, does that suffice? No...not so much.

And then there is the problem that I have the ability to focus on one task of a hyperactive 3 year old. Sure, its all well and good for me to sit down and write that one woman show in which I showcase by BRILLIANT comedic skills, mad tap dancing chops and singing voice of an angel, but guaranteed I will be distracted by a shiny thing. Or Beauty and the Geek. Or breathing.

Sigh...WAY to deep for a Monday morning. I should be busy drinking coffee and catching up on all the Hollywood gossip that I missed out on over the weekend.
Like Pamela Anderson's impending wedding. To Rick Solomon, the star of Paris Hilton's sex tape. Oh Pam, Pam, Pam. I love you, your fantastically fake breasts, your commitment to your causes, and the fact that you KNOW you are a cheesy, fake blonde bimbo (AND proud Canadian), but sweetie..you have GOT to start marrying a better class of men.

And that, dear reader, is Monday's set of random ramblings. Tune in later for my observations on people napping ON MY CAR at 3 in the afternoon on a Friday. Seriously...it really happened...

Robosaurus

2007-09-28T10:58:00.000-07:00

Tim: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Dr. Alan Grant: I don't know.
Tim: A Do-you-think-he-saurus.
Dr. Alan Grant: Ha ha. Good one.
Tim: What do you call a blind dinosaur's dog?
Dr. Alan Grant: You got me.
Tim: A Do-you-think-he-saurus Rex

There are times when I get up in the morning and I think to myself that really, things couldn't get any stupider.

I mean, lets be real. There is some stupid shit going on out there, and there has been for awhile. Dane Cook for one (I know, I keep going on about Dane Cook but I JUST DON'T GET IT! The man is simply not funny or even marginally talented. His mere existence could be proof that there is a Supreme Evil Being and that Dane is one of his unfunny minions that is trying to create hell on earth. I'm just saying...). Britney Spears and our INCESSANT fascination with her crash into oblivion (also note-Rihanna has come out in the press defending her. Maybe she should protect poor Brit with her umbrella). Crocs. The cancellation of Arrested Development. Operation Return on Success.

However, its has been a long time since I have been truly STUNNED by anything. Nothing really surprises me anymore.

Until now...

Stanley Park, where robot dinos roam?

Okay...that has to be a lie. It's in the Province newspaper-Vancouver's answer to the National Enquirer. It has to be wrong. Maybe I'll look elsewhere...

Stanley Park considers 'Jurassic Park'-like exhibit

All right, CTV is saying the same thing. But maybe they are just jumping on the sensationalist bandwagon. I mean who would believe that they would consider putting robot dinosaurs in Stanley Park...how about the Globe and Mail?

'Dinosaur experience' could give Vancouver its own Jurassic Park

Dear lord.

Someone has let the lunatics out of the asylum and they are RUNNING AMOK IN STANLEY PARK!

The Vancouver Parks Board is requesting proposals from "experienced proponents" (HUH?)to install 25 to 30 life-sized animatronic dinosaurs and related educational exhibits near the miniature 1.5-kilometre railway. So in other words, they want robot dinosaurs to freak the SHIT out of the kids on the miniature railway.

Robot dinosaurs.

In Stanley Park.

ROBOT DINOSAURS IN STANLEY PARK!!!!!

I am at a total loss. I am simply stunned into...well...not speechlessness, but certainly mild incoherence.

ROBOT FREAKING DINOSAURS!!!!!!

Am I alone in this? Am I the only person who thinks that this is an amazingly bad idea? We have the WORLD coming here for the 2010 Olympics-that's already enough pressure. Do we REALLY want them to come here and say...

"Wow...cool Olympics. Vancouver really IS a World Class...wait...is that a Robot Dinosaur?"

Miss Manner's Guide to Tranist Chapter 3

2007-09-27T09:12:00.000-07:00

A letter to the beer drinking troglodyte on the 5:35 pm skytrain on September 26, 2007. (The teenage girls got away with being obnoxious this time because this guy was SIMPLY UNBELIEVABLE! But be warned girls-I am on this train for 3 more weeks and I will be watching you)
Dear sir,

I appreciate that the New Westminster Skytrain station is connected to a bar called Scruffy McGuire's (no, I am not making this up. I wish I was). I appreciate that sometimes after a hard day of...well...whatever it is you do, you sometimes need a beer to wash the cares away. I will be honest with you sir. As of late, as the end of my hated job approaches and my employers mutate further into assholeness, I have been known to have a snort of rum with my diet coke. I am not above that in the slightest. Sometimes it just needs to be done.

I do, however, understand that there are certain things that are not done in public due to COMMON DECENCY. Like belching SO LOUDLY that your fellow commuters think there is an earthquake or the construction site next door is collapsing.

Note: At this point my husband is yelling and pointing at the computer because I once inadvertently burped loudly when we were in a store and blamed him. It only happened once though. And it was in Gibson's Landing, home of the Beachcombers so how bad could it be. And it wasn't THAT loud. But I digress.

Now sir, if you ARE going to belch that loudly, you must do two things:

Say excuse me FOR GOD'S SAKE! Were you born in a BARN?
When a blonde girl wearing a FIERCE white leather jacket with great new hair (I got a new haircut that I LOVE LOVE LOVE! Victor-you are a genius) looks your way inquisitively, DON'T yell at her and say "What the fuck are YOU looking at bitch". You KNOW what she is looking at. SHE IS LOOKING AT YOUR UGLY BELCHING FACE!!!!

Sorry about that...that was a bit violent.

Now sir, one belch could be almost forgivable. Even if it was the loudest thing ever. In the history of belching. And believe me, I have heard some loud ones. I play football. I know of what I speak.

However, if you follow that belch up with one that is EVEN LOUDER and LONGER than EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE, you MUST expect a reaction from your fellow commuters.

Like the little old lady that shrieked and ran toward me. In a panic. I don't know what she thought I was going to do to protect her from the angry gas man, but I was ready.

And if you RESPOND to that reaction by CHASING HER and belching AGAIN, you must expect people to respond negatively. Like moving away from you rapidly and contacting the skytrain police. (Who of course never got there because they were rousting tourists who didn't pay enough train fare. Because cheap tourists are a scourge...as opposed to angry gassy psychopaths. Come on people...get your priorities straight.)

AND THEN when the train arrives, and you BELCH on to your train car of choice, do not be surprised when your fellow commuters flee out of the train.

AND FINALLY...please do not be encouraged by the reaction you got from the one, fellow beer drinking commuter on your train. Which was...of course...

"Dude! That was AWESOME!"

Sigh...

Signed,

Blonde in fierce white leather jacket on behalf of...well...the world

There is a part of me that is going to miss these daily interactions with my fellow commuters as I will be working near Granville Island as opposed to near the dead pigeon on the corner (I am not making this up-a pigeon expired as I was walking by it a few weeks ago. It fell over and blood oozed out of its head. I cannot get out of here fast enough).

The part of me that will miss these interactions is very small however. Very very small.

RIP pigeon-we hardly knew you.

I QUIT!

2007-09-24T08:24:00.000-07:00

Today I quit my job.

Wow.

I got the "really super cool job".

Wow.

The next few weeks are going to kill me as I frantically clean up from this job AND start getting up to speed on the next job.

Wow.

I am NEVER AGAIN going to have do deal with the GIANT FLAMING COW that is my present boss.

WOW!

I am INSANELY excited. I am about to go to work at THE COOLEST PLACE ON EARTH!

They have a boccie team and an office dog.

I am going to be working in a hyper creative atmosphere with loft ceilings and proximity to fabulous restaurants and ease of transit.

They think I rock.

I am FREAKING OUT!!!!!

Wow.

A-List-Defective Yeti

2007-09-21T13:21:00.000-07:00

One of my favourite bloggers is Defective Yeti. This blog is penned by Matthew Baldwin, a brilliantly erudite writer from Seattle, Washington with a fabulously biting sense of humour.

His posts range from random poetry, to photoshopped sillies, to posts on his autistic son "The Squiggle".

His blog post from a few days ago doesn't even come close to showing his writing chops, but I appreciated the title and the content. Its a regular "series" by him...well regular in that he has done the "Bad Review Revue" a few times...but nothing you can set your clock by.

I give you...Defective Yeti! Explore him...read him...send him treats (well, I don't know about the treats..I know I like treats, but he may not feel the same way. Just send me treats then)

The Bad Review Revue

I am so ashamed

2007-09-21T09:46:00.000-07:00

I have an embarassing admission to make...

I LOVE America's Next Top Model.

Its like TV Crack-I know its bad for me, but really, I just can't get enough.

There's the drama, the anorexia, Tyra Banks, Tyra's ludicrous weave (its kind of blonde this time...LOVE IT!), Tyra's PHENOMENAL booty (seriously, she is as annoying as crap, but at least the girl has some curves), Miss J, Mr J and of course the EXTRAORDINARILY sexually ambiguous (yes I know he's married...but i am still suspicious) and FIERCELY hot Nigel Barker. Rrowr.

This year promises to be MAGICAL!

Some of the models are quite dull. I am assuming they will be told by Tyra "you will no longer be in the running to be America's Next Top model and lose out on the fantastic prizes from our sponsors who I will mention over and over and over again." SOME of these models however are CRAZY IN A BOX! LOVE IT!

We have...

Ebony
Raised by a Crack Whore (seriously, her words, not mine), she is already hated by everyone. Arrogant as hell, and I honestly don't see why, this one will be responsible for a majority of the fireworks.

Heather
Heather has Asperger's Syndrome. Asperger's is one of several Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) characterized by difficulties in social communication and social skills, and in restricted and stereotyped interests and activities.

Now, what I am about to say is going to sound evil and bitchy. But really....how does Asperger's make her ANY different from the regular starlet/model. Bad social skills, restricted interests and a wee bit wacky. ANTM DOES have a reputation to uphold-they MUST have someone with some kind of "special needs" on ever episode.

Dyslexia
Lupus
Plus Size Model

And now....Asperger's.

Heather made a speech that she was there representing the underdog-the kid that got picked on in class, the one's hiding in the corner.

Riiight....the ones in the corner that are tall skinny and pretty...THOSE ONES? WHICH CORNER IS SHE LOOKING AT???

Bianca

Another fabulous girl from the hood. She has already called out Ebony and her $500.00 weave (Bianca's weave cost only $25.00. GO BIANCA GO). Bianca is one of the few girls on this cycle that I actually think is quite stunning! She has some FIERCE attitude and I am predicting a full on hair pulling cat fight with Ebony! SWEET!

Sarah
The token plus sized model.

Yup...thats right.

PLUS SIZED!

I freaking hate that. She's the only normal looking one and she is FREAKING PLUS SIZED!

Gorgeous though...but a bit bland. I don't think she is going to last.

There were a few criers of course, and next week looks like it is going to be fireworks already. I am already trying to figure out who they are going to shave bald for the make over episode.

OH WHAT FUN!

I am not going to make a call on the winner until after the makeover episode-its easier to see who they are favouring after that episode.

God I love this show.

I am so ashamed...

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

2007-09-19T10:58:00.000-07:00

My pirate name is:

Black Bess Flint

Like anyone confronted with the harshness of robbery on the high seas, you can be pessimistic at times. Like the rock flint, you're hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you're easily chipped, and sparky. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

Avast me hearties! It's international talk like a pirate day! Today is the day to search for booty and swash your buckles!

In honour of pirate day, i give you the top 10 pirate pick up lines for both boy and girl pirates...maybe this will help you find some booty. ha ha.

Boy Pirates...

10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?

9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?

8. Come on up and see me urchins.

7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.

6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.

5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?

4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?

3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.

2. Well blow me down?

And the number one pickup line for Boy Pirates is …

1. Prepare to be boarded.

Girl Pirates...

10. What are YOU doing here?

9. Is that a belayin' pin in yer britches, or are ye ... (this one is never completed)

8. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!

7. So, tell me, why do they call ye, "Cap'n Feathersword?"

6. That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!

5. Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me "lice ratio!"

4. I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs!

3. C'mon, lad, shiver me timbers!

2. RAMMING SPEED!

...and the number one pick up line for Girl Pirates

1. You. Pants Off. Now!

Good luck with your booty

Captain Sunshine

2007-09-14T15:07:00.000-07:00

There are times when I am down, when I feel that nothing will take me out of the deep blue funk that I am in.

Lately, most of those times have been while I am at work (Seriously. My boss is a giant cow. I actually call her something else that begins with a c usually, but i don't want to offend virgin eyes). My office atmosphere is quite relaxed, so I play a lot of music while I work. NOTHING, but NOTHING brings me out of my funk better than...
NEIL DIAMOND!!!!!

I love Neil Diamond. I really do.

He is a crazy, glitter encrusted performing dynamo. I would LOVE to see him in concert. Sadly Nearly Neil is the best I have been able to get-and he's pretty darn good-but hell...he's no Neil...he's NEARLY Neil.

I just pop on a bit of "Hot August Night" or The Jazz Singer or even the good old Greatest Hits, and I am GOLDEN!

Neils newish album 12 Songs is a bit of a departure from good old "Song Song Blue" and "Forever in Blue Jeans", but I have really been enjoying it lately. It doesn't drive me out of my funk like his some of other albums as it is much more intimate and pared down, although the song Delirious Love is one of my favourite songs in YEARS. Basically just him and his guitar. Fantastic!

As a shout out to Hot Lunch and High Fidelity (one of my favourite books and movies) I am going to do a Neil Diamond list. Its my "top five get sasskitty out of her crappy mood using the magic of Neil's songs" list.

5. Delirious Love

4. Brother Love's Travelling Salvation Show

3. Sweet Caroline (seriously...who doesn't love this song? BAH BAH BAH)

2. Forever in Blue Jeans

1. Holly Holy

Rock on Neil! Keep them sparkly shirts coming!!!

Here comes the BOOM!

2007-09-13T09:59:00.000-07:00

I went to see Shoot em Up last night with my football coach and Mini girl.

Holy doodle.

I give you a smattering of the play by play that occurred in my head during the movie...

"WHOA!

Bloody Hell

Did he just...WITH A CARROT...OW!

HOLY CRAP Clive Owen is HOT!!!!

WHOA!

What the...

AGAIN with the carrot? Who KNEW carrots were that deadly!

WHOA!"

(note on above picture. Yes...that is a carrot in Clive Owen's hand. It is AMAZING what that man can do with a carrot. And I SO DO NOT mean it in that way!!!)

This movie is SO John Woo meets Quentin Tarantino meets Looney Tunes.

To quote my coach "This movie was excessive. But with extra x's. It was XXessive!"

It was definitely XXessive.

This movie took the action genre to a whole new level. They went too far..and kept on going. And because they kept on going, it made it fun and truly enjoyable. The body count was INSANE, the premise was just downright ludicrous, guns were blazing EVERYWHERE, the bad guy was BAD (Paul Giamatti is BRILLIANTLY evil...EEEVIL), the sex was HOT and the movie didn't stop.

And seriously. Is anyone cooler than Clive Owen? No...no there isn't. And SERIOUSLY! He is so FREAKING HOT! But I digress....rrrowr....

DO NOT go to this movie looking for a plot. There is no real plot. The plot makes no sense. I swear Michael Davis was on acid when he came up with this movie....i can imagine the pitch session to the producers...

"Okay, so there is this hero. Mr. Smith. The movie opens up with him delivering a baby during a gun fight. Then it follows Smith-who is TOTALLY the angriest man alive- through the city protecting the baby from some really bad guys, but he shoots them all. Lots. And he kills a couple of guys with a carrot. In fact, he eats lots of carrots- he's kind of like Bugs Bunny-in fact, we are going to have some veiled Looney Tunes references. Can we cast an actor that looks like Elmer Fudd? No? Okay...anyhow...so there is this lactating hooker with a heart of gold that is going to be the love interest/wet nurse for the baby. Her name is DQ. Get it? GET IT? I know...brilliant huh? And then Mr Smith shoots lots of people. LOTS OF PEOPLE! In one scene, he is going to be shooting people while skydiving. There will be lots of shooting and people dying by shooting. In LUDICROUS ways. BANG BANG! Its going to be AWESOME! AWESOME!"

But let me tell you...I had a BLAST. Pun totally intended.

MANY people will hate this movie. It is completely violent to the extreme, Clive Owen is NOT naked which sucks, and it is almost completely without plot. But if you want to go and shut off your brain, listen to some good heavy metal music, laugh and see things go BANG...this is SO THE MOVIE FOR YOU!

Four guns up out of five.

BOOM!

A further sign of the impending apocolypse

2007-09-10T13:59:00.000-07:00

There have been many signs as of late that our world is unhappy.

Seas are rising.

The weather is all hinky.

George Bush is still in power.

Rihanna has a career.

Dane Cook hasn't been taken back to his home planet.

And a myraid of others.

The most recent is this...
Fake fur lined Crocs.

WHAT THE HELL?

Crocs on their own are wrong right, but FUR LINED????

DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!

The fashion gods are angry...what's next? The return of high heeled ankle boots?

Oh right...

Jobbishness

2007-09-06T11:19:00.000-07:00

I am about to head into the third round of interviews for the BEST JOB IN THE WORLD EVER!

I am so excited I might explode.

Its one of those jobs you dream about. You know the one...the job that falls on your lap? The one you didn't apply for but were recommended for by a friend? The one that seems way too good to be true? Yah...its one of those jobs.

The first interview was 15 minutes long. I was interviewed by "The Dude". It was casual, and cool and we talked about morris dancing.

They think I rock.

I think they rock.

I might explode.

At this moment I am waiting to hear about when the next interview will be- I have made it EXTREMELY well through the first two stages, but now need to meet..."THE CLIENT". Its KILLING ME! I want to stalk them mercilessly. I want to bake them banana bread and send them flowers telling them i love them.

But I must remain cool...calm...collected. For I am a professional. I am a career woman. I can take the pressure.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Operation motivation

2007-09-04T11:13:00.000-07:00

Alright, so i have done all the big things I set out to do this summer.

Okay, the one big thing.

I got married.

It was a success-no one died (believe me...it was close...really close), the food ROCKED (many props to the magical chef and the WORLD'S BEST POTATOES at the Diamond Alumni Centre), and everyone looked FIERCE, if not slightly drunk (yes Hot Lunch, this means you).

I may post on the whole experience later-there is a lot more to being a bride than I thought. BEAUTY HURTS!

But now that I don't have that, I am in a pool of procrastination. I SHOULD BE frantically looking for a new job, trying to write more, starting to look for an agent, looking at producing my own show, working out more, cleaning my house, and looking for a new apartment.

Instead I am surfing the net, filing and checking out facebook.

Sigh...

MUST BECOME MORE MOTIVATED.

Or win the lottery...that would SO ROCK!!!!

Sigh...we shall see...

Why did you do this to me?

2007-08-13T11:17:00.000-07:00

This past Saturday, I had a stagette thrown at me. No, it wasn't thrown for me, it was thrown at.

I had an AMAZING time! It was a magnificent all day affair that went a little like this...

at 13 hundred hours, Cultural Cruise showed up at my door step to give me my mission. A DVD was played showing that my FABULOUS fiancee is, in fact, an alien and I had to complete FOUR tasks in order to allow him to stay on the planet and NOT be incinerated (yes, sounds confusing. It was a bit, but thankfully, I had instructions). I was then given a VERY attractive headband with antenna on it that I had to wear on the skytrain downtown. Where we met another reveller and walked down Robson. With me wearing my antenna. Where we met someone else, then headed up to Davie St (me still wearing my antenna I would like to point out) to pick up two more ladies and meet at the Fountainhead. Where I started drinking. THIS may have been my first error. The Fountainhead makes a mean cocksucking cowboy shot if anyone is interested by the way. I also discovered that the way to free drinks is to say "But I'm on my stagette!!!"

We then walked across the street to...wait for it...POLE DANCING CLASSES! HOW FUN IS THAT?

Alarmingly good exercise, and the instructor was HOT. She did things on that pole that I have only heard rumours of. My arms still hurt, and I have major bruises on my thighs from attempting "the fireman's spin". SUPER fun though and a few of us will be returning to take classes as it was great exercise! I also learnt a lap dance that I will NEVER be performing for my fiancee (sorry baby) because its just far too silly. I also had some drinks.

After the dancing, we retired to one of the girl's homes for more drinking (oy), snacks and time for me to do a quiz on my spouse to be. Who knew he liked cantaloupe? I always thought he was more of a watermelon man! I passed, thank god, so SAVED HIS LIFE!! YAY ME!!!!

We headed off to one of my favourite restaurants, Hapa Izakaya for some Ebi Mayo, Om Rice and...well...Sake (oy). Dinner was marvy, and then OFF WE WENT to Doolins Irish Pub, or as I now know it, the place with that made me barf. Alot.

Doolins wasn't too packed, but we made our own fun. There were a few stagettes there (but mine had WAY hotter women! WOO HOO! My friends are FIERCE!) and one stag and people kept plying me with drinks. I just don't know where they came from. And I think I met a fighter pilot. And I think he grabbed my ass. He offered to show me his plane, but I told him I was taken...and then he bought me a drink.

The evening ended for me when my maid of honour and my fiance's groomswoman found me coming out of the men's washroom talking (or trying to talk because he WOULDN'T ANSWER THE PHONE) to my fiancee. They decided it was time for me to leave. But NOT UNTIL I drank:
One Prairie Fire shot (ewwwwwwww)
One blow job (yah...lets just imagine how well the whipping cream mixed with the tequila and hot sauce)
Three mystery shots

They tossed me in a cab and OFF WE WENT to my ride home. Apparently I then fell out of the cab. I don't remember this. I do remember getting in the car though and not feeling really good and saying the now "patented sasskitty line" that I said about 87 times on the way home...

"Why did you DO this to me?"

And then proceeding to throw up. And I didn't get the door open as much as I thought I did. And I think I threw up on a drag queen because I threw up all over Davie St. And then made the person driving me home stop at the bottom of the viaduct so I could throw up again.

"Why did you DO this to me?"

Then we dropped off my maid of honour, and I hung out of the car at her house and threw up on her lawn. Then we drove another friend home, but I don't think I threw up on her. Then we drove me home.

"Why did you DO this to me?"

I fell out of the car and informed my lovely driver that I would sleep there thank you. But she made me go upstairs. Where I informed her I wanted to sleep in my front hallway. Or my dining room. But not the couch or the bed. I think it took her 25 minutes to get me on the couch. THANK YOU!! THANK YOU THANK YOU!

I woke up at 5, consumed 4 tylenol, drank 8 litres of water and fell into bed. Woke up at 8 because I had a HAIR APPOINTMENT ON SUNDAY (note to all future brides. NEVER book a hair appointment the day after your stagette! NEVER!). I lay in the bath for 2 hours trying to get rid of the smell of bar, barf and tequila.

Dinner that night (because breakfast and lunch were WAY OUT OF THE QUESTION) was the greasiest chinese food I could find. All hail Mr Ho's chicken chow mein.

All in all, I had an AMAZING time (except for all the barfing). To anyone that was thrown up on by a strange blonde woman in a blue mini on Saturday who was yelling "Why did you do this to me?"...I apologize. Please don't hesitate to send me your cleaning bill...

On a plus side, I think I lost that pesky 10 lbs I have been trying to get rid of...

BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE

2007-08-06T08:42:00.000-07:00

I am getting married in twelve days.

Twelve days.

I had been fairly relaxed until now.

Today, for whatever reason, that all changed.

I AM GETTING MARRIED IN TWELVE DAYS!

My mother is wearing black patent bedazzled Birkenstocks.

My aunt is trying to throw strange women through her legs in an attempt at a jive.

I don't know if my dress will be done in time.

I don't have anyone doing my make up yet.

Videographer, I must find a videographer.

I still want to lose 10 more pounds.

Seating charts! I HATE SEATING CHARTS!

I need to write my vows. What rhymes with "Cuisinart"?

My groom is calmer than I am. ITS NOT FAIR!

I have developed a noticeable twitch. This has been exacerbated by the amount of people saying "WOW! You look really calm for someone getting married in TWELVE DAYS! DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE GETTING MARRIED IN TWELVE DAYS???"

Speaking of wedding dress, I think I hate the one I chose. I want the other one now.

I may have developed a slight drinking problem. Just a slight one.

twitch twitch twitch

Such a BAAAAAD BLOGGER

2007-08-02T09:47:00.000-07:00

Oh I have been such a bad blogger.

bad bad bad bad

I have no excuse! Its not that I have had nothing to say (I always have something to say. Its constant. I don't shut up. I'm surprised I don't talk in my sleep), I just haven't had the impetus to do it.

Well NO MORE! I am back...and with a vengeance! I will return to my bloggy ways.

Just as soon as I have a coffee...must...have....coffee....

Emotion of the day-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

2007-07-19T09:54:00.000-07:00

I have been reticent to complain about my job on this blog, but at this moment, I can think of nothing else than how frustrated I am every day when I come to work.

I love my job. I am good at it. I know I am doing great things for a group of people who really need it. I have successfully secured hundreds of thousands of dollars of funding this year and increased our profile tenfold.

But my board president fills me with a pure unadulterated rage like I have never felt before.

I hate her.

Hate.

Hate like flaming hot knives through the base of my scull...hate.

She is forcing me out of my job due to her evilness. She is a giant useless tit.

Seriously...

I give you an eerily accurate representation of the boss from hell...

I work for Mimi.

She smells like Llama poop because she owns a ranch, she NEVER says please or thank you and she just informed my co-worker that I needed to start booking travel because...really...what else was I paid to do.

She treats me like I am her indentured servant and a complete moron. She is totally condescending and from what I can tell...stupid.

gnnnnnr.

I am OFFICIALLY on a job hunt.

Then...I am on a Mimi hunt....mwa ha ha ha ha.

Early wake up call...

2007-07-18T08:48:00.000-07:00

This morning I went to work early.

New Westminster is a different town at 7:45 am...

Instead of the guy commenting on my ass "oh YA baby...uh uh uh uh...you are FINE", I walked by the desperate men hovering around Labour Force waiting for the 8 hours of minimum wage work they may get if they are lucky.

Just up the street, instead of the happy plant watering lady in her crazy hats, I see the "babies" hanging around the teen centre, just waking up after a night of sanctuary in the one place they feel safe.

Instead of the smokers crowding my office stoop, I see a man sleeping in the doorway, just down the street from the Porches, Audis and Land Rovers of the Rotary Club members meeting just above his head.

I wonder where all these people go in one short hour when I and the rest of the office workers come in. Do they become the angry guy and his girlfriend fighting in front of the payday loans place over who's turn it is to buy drugs? Do they become the drunk guy who likes my ass? Or do they just become invisible until the next morning when they look for their jobs, safety or stoop to sleep on.

Dancing on the Edge of Insanity

2007-07-10T13:55:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to see Nick and Juanita by Tara Cheyenne at the Dancing on the Edge Festival. AMAZING! I may be slightly biased as I know Tara and think she rocks, but her performance was one of the best I have seen in years. She combines Dance and Theatre effortlessly and seamlessly so that a "theatre snob" like me would go and say "wow, what a great theatre piece" and a "dance snob" would go and say "wow, what a great dance piece". Sadly, this is her last performance here, but she will be performing it again soon I am sure, and a tour is planned. If EVER you see a poster for one of her performances (last year's bANGER was phenomenal) GO SEE IT!!!

Prior to the show, I saw an actress I had been in a show with about 5 years previously. I shall call her PumpKin.

Below follows our interaction...

I am on the phone. PumpKin waves and smiles. I get off the phone and walks up to PumpKin to be friendly.

SK: "HI PumpKin! Great to see you" (I do NOT move in for a hug as I hate the whole 'all actors must hug all the time thing').

PK: "OH MY GOD! ITS YOU!" and leaps on me for a hug. Note...she does not use my name as it is obvious she does not remember my name. I see her at least twice a year.

PK: "SO...what are you doing? What have you been up to? Are you not LOVING this festival? Have you been to lots?"

SK: "Um...well...this is my first show. I know Tara. How about you?"

PK: "Well, I am embarrassed to admit that this is my first show too, but I am sure it will be FANTASTIC! So...what are you doing?

SK: "Well...um...some acting. I am the Executive Director of a small non profit that provides support to children with disabilities and I..."

PK: "OHMYGOD! That is so great? Do you love it? I know you must love it! Do you love it?"

SK: "Uh...sure...its...um...not really what i set out to do, but it works for now. How about you?"

PK: "Oh...well...I am STILL acting-feast or famine you know...I am doing a little thing here and then am off to rehearsals in Calgary. And then...well...who knows. Right? Am I right? Sometimes I wish I had made a choice like you, but I just can't, you know?"

SK: "Ur...um" At which point I punch her in the throat.

Okay, I didn't. But I REALLY wanted to. REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to.

Actors are dorks. They all need to be hoisted on their own petard. Seriously. Where does she get off. SHE is still acting....grrrrr...I really should have gone for the throat punch. Sigh...my chosen profession is filled with self centred morons. THIS may be why I took the break...i knew there was a good reason.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Happy Birthday to me

2007-07-07T20:42:00.000-07:00

I turned 35 Friday.

35.

I am halfway to 70.

I understand that 40 is the new 30 (whatever the hell THAT means), but i can't help but feeling a bit nostalgic for my younger years.

The years when I was young and carefree and could drink and dance until two in the morning without needing to recoup for 2 days.

The years when the men that hit on me in bars weren't hiding their wedding rings behind their male patterned baldness.

The years when I could play 3 hours of a sport and not want to die the next day.

The years when clerks didn't call me "ma'am".

I have decided however that THIS will be my year. I am getting married to the man i love, soon i hope to be starting a new and fabulous career and I will get back on that acting horse.

If only i could do it without aching.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

Clothing optional

2007-06-22T09:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday when I was heading to my car, I noticed that someone had placed their socks lovingly in front of my passenger door.

I always get concerned about abandoned clothing, particularly abandoned shoes. It offends my sensibilities. Who would DO that to poor innocent clothing-especially shoes? I know many shoes that I see flung cruelly over electrical wires are from evil bullies who rip them from the feet of poor little geeks. Bullies like Tricia Johnson who threatened to beat me up in grade 8. Tricia was a foot shorter than me. Needless to say, it didn't go well for her. But I digress.

I just don't get the abandoned clothing thing. I am suspicious that these socks were a token of affection from the toothless man who was lurking near my car telling me I was looking "FIIIINE". Or at least I think thats what he said. He had no teeth. And I think he had just drunk his weight in JD judging by the empty bottles in the area. His buddy also said something to me, but I didn't catch it as he was too busy talking on his cell phone.

Yah, I was confused by that one too.

But if they WEREN'T a token of affection, how did they get there. Do people just randomly stroll down the street then say to themselves, "You know, I would be much happier if I wasn't wearing socks (or pants, or a shirt). I think I will take them off right now and put them in front of this lovely little yellow Protege 5 with fuzzy dice in the window. Ah yes, I feel so much better."

I can't think of a situation in which I have EVER felt the need to abandon my clothing. I will admit, I took my nylons off at work the other day and threw them out because they had a run in them, but THAT is a different story. Clothing abandonment is just downright irresponsible. And a bit weird.

So socks remain a mystery.

A mystery never to be solved I am assuming, until the next piece of errant clothing makes its way to my vehicle.

Ah New Westminster...how I love you...

Riddled with self doubt...

2007-06-19T16:23:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I was called upon to reprise my role of "Connie Mocogni the pregnant kiss monster maid of honour" in Tony and Tina's Wedding. Its always interesting for me to go in and do the show as one of the "classic" players. I was first in Tony and Tina's over 10 years ago and they have gone through over 450 actors since the show started-some of them good, a lot of them...well...not so good. Bad even.

The show has changed a fair amount since I first joined. When I started, the cast was comprised of improv actors, classically trained thespians and professional hams. There wasn't anything subtle about the show. It was loud, crazy and ridiculous. I would finish the show exhausted but energized as I knew the audience had been entertained to their max.

Present day TnT has a lot of film actors. They are quiet, reserved and focused on being "natural". They are also children. Babies. Barely out of puberty. I walk into the show as a celebrity-a legend-the "original Connie". FAB for the ego, let me tell you. However, I am old. Oh so old.

I had a lot of fun doing the show. The actor who played my boyfriend in the show was 20. TWENTY! I was a cougar.

And old. have I mentioned old?

In no other industry is 34.9 (a matter of DAYS away from 35) considered SO OLD.

It made me think. When is too old to continue pursuing this wacky acting thing? I have been feeling old for a while. Do I give up now that I am no longer an ingenue? Am I deluding myself as I am "past my prime"? Or do I say FUCK IT and just go for it?

Its different for men...sad but true. I am sneaking into "young mom" age-also known as the age of death. I was never really the cute young thing-too tall, to curvy, too snarky. Perpetually have I been the best friend, the nurse and the maid. Or all three.

Much self reflecting happening. I will either be kicked in the ass and inspired by this, or will decide to become an accountant.

we shall see...

Cheering for the underdog...

2007-06-15T13:21:00.000-07:00

For the last 2 weeks, our TV has been inundated by Bad Reality TV that makes me yell...American Inventor, America's Got Talent, Canada's Next Top Model (okay, we TOTALLY watch that one. YAY MISS J!).

America's Got Talent is one of the worst. FIRST OFF, Jerry Springer is the host. shudder. The judges are putzes (seriously...SHARON OSBOURNE? And I love the Hoff, but who the heck is he to judge talent). And you can tell the producers just LOVE to put the worst on TV. And you gotta know a little kid is going to win singing "God Bless America" or whatever the heck that song is from Dream Girls that Jennifer Hudson sings. gag.

Of course, we get all of our "original" reality TV shows from the UK first. And usually, the shows get watered down before they hit North America, so you gotta know the UK version is even MORE mind rotting!

Britain's Got Talent is presently running. My expectation of Britain's Got Talent is a bunch of people singing pub songs and telling off colour jokes.

Apparently, I was wrong.

I give you Paul Potts. Mobile phone salesman and amateur opera singer. He even makes Simon Cowell keep his mouth shut. Who knew that was possible.

His story just made my heart melt. I hope he wins. At least, I hope he beats the guy with the monkey.

yes...i am a giant suck...

Smell travels East to West

2007-06-12T21:20:00.000-07:00

For the next three days I am doing a wee acting gig thanks to Cultural Cruise (thanks babycakes). This gig causes me to take the skytrain a different route than I am used to. Instead of traveling from the picturesque City of Burnaby to the now violence ridden armpit of New Westminster, I am traveling from the perfumed Township of Burnaby to the apparently WET CROTCH SOCK SMELL ridden downtown Vancouver. Evidently people in the Lower Mainland begin to smell as they head towards the big city.

Instead of sitting reasonably solo at the back of the train for a quick 3 minute jaunt, I am spending 30 minutes with my closest (and I do mean close. In some countries, I would be married 8 times over for the amount of familiarity fellow commuters now have with my nether regions thanks to roaming hands and...well...umbrellas. But really...lets not go there) friends and ALL of them. I repeat ALL of them smell like REALLY BAD B.O.

Every time I get on the train, I do the Secret check. No, not THE SECRET check (and seriously, if you KNOW "the Secret", you also know...well, its not really a secret. Our mothers have been telling us this for years! Its so silly, I can't even say it.) You've all seen it on the Secret commercials. Women everywhere "nonchalantly" checking their pits for the slightest soupcon of odour. I am embarrassed to say I have become one of those women.

I am fastidious when it comes to body odour (over sharing, I know, but live with it). I shower BEFORE I go work out, play football, go run, just in case I may incur extra smell. I KNOW its not me that smells, but I check every time.

I don't get this. WHY does it smell so much? I know what you are saying "Sasskitty you BOOB, its because there are so many people on the train".

No...this is not so, for on my RETURN trip with JUST AS MANY of my close groping neighbours, there is no smell.

No B.O. No crotch waft. No feet sweat. Just the sweet smell of...well...nothing.

Can you explain this phenomenon to me oh faithful reader? Why is this? You would think people would smell worse as they reach the end of the day, not better.

I have no solution. I have no pithy words of wisdom. I am merely putting the question out to the universe in the hopes that the stinkys will...well...WASH!

In the meantime, I think I am going to invest in some nose plugs. And a jock.

Snore-ny Awards

2007-06-11T08:45:00.000-07:00

Last night I was all aflutter as the 61st annual Tony Awards were on TV.

I love the Tony's. Hot Lunch and I bond over the best performances, what play we wish we could see, and how HOT Hugh Jackman is (rrowr)

But this time? Oh lord. I was SO BORED!

I knew I was in for a bad time when I discovered there was no host and that the first introduction was from Angela Lansbury.

Oh dear.

The theme was "there is a little Broadway in all of us". I could make some kind of lewd comment about the sexual promiscuity of actors here, but I won't. Although it would have made the show more exciting.

They were trying to prove that the American Theatre was still viable. So they used famous film actors to do so. HUH? The famous dudes would come on stage and say "I remember the first time I was on Broadway...ya da ya da ya da". Of course for most of them, the only REASON they were on Broadway is because they were famous film and TV actors first. So what does THAT have to do with the viability of American Theatre? And who said it wasn't viable? They sold over 12 million tickets on Broadway last year. TWELVE MILLION! I think its still viable. They need to stop whining. VANCOUVER theatre...not so viable. THAT'S who needs help...

Two of the top shows on Broadway right now are Mary Poppins the Musical and Legally Blonde the Musical.

Dear lord. Perhaps Broadway wasn't all I thought it was...LEGALLY BLONDE THE MUSICAL???

I usually watch the Tony's and fantasize that I am the one on stage accepting the Tony...

I would like to thank my junior high school acting teacher Roger Carr for supporting me all of those years and making me believe I could do this. I would like to thank my mom and dad for being super awesome and my fiance for being SUPER HOT and agreeing to marry a deranged actress. And finally, for everyone who ever said I couldn't do it...THPPPPT!

This year I watched and fantasized that maybe the Jersey Boys would perform naked.

No such luck.

I star watched a bit...some good dresses...and some bad ones.

Marcia Gay Harden needed to be slapped. Or her stylist did...

Claire Danes needs to eat.

Idina Menzel and Taye Diggs are the hottest couple. Ever. DAMN they will have beautiful children.
I went to bed early. I didn't even stay up for the Spring Awakenings number...I figured it would be on You Tube...and lo an behold...here it is. Hard to see...but sounds good. Damn...only thing I should have stayed up for...

Fingers crossed for next year...who knows, maybe I'll be there... (gotta dream big)

Two Knocked Ups!

2007-06-08T13:42:00.000-07:00

I had a few trepidations about this movie. Don't get me wrong. It had all the key elements that I love in a comedy:

Canadians (Canadians are funnier. Period. And this movie is filled with them and stars one of the funnier ones- Seth Rogen)
Silly dance sequences.
Cameo by Ryan Seacrest (who I am convinced is having an affair with Simon Cowell. but I digress). He's quite surprising in this movie...really...
Saucy blondes. In particular, saucy blondes who got a role I auditioned for in one of the worst horror movies ever made. Of course, this may mean she has my career which makes me just a WEE BIT bitter...but I am going to roll with it...
Judd Apatow. The man is a genius.
Paul Rudd. Rrowr. Seriously. Rrrowr.

So you may ask...why was I concerned?

Babies.

Lots of babies.

I have developed a fear of babies.

They are everywhere.

My friends are pregnant or just recently parents. My fiance and I are trying to cultivate friendships with non pregnant people just so we don't feel left out. AND so we won't be asked to babysit. And in case pregnancy might be contagious. The baby pressures are rapidly mounting, especially as I am about to turn...gulp...THIRTY FIVE in just TWENTY EIGHT SHORT DAYS. Apparently, my eggs are aging.

Fuck.

We also went with one of the aforementioned pregnant people. I was worried the movie might make her pop. And I was NOT looking forward to that.

Ew.

So back to the movie.

I thoroughly enjoyed it! Two thumbs up! Funny yet touching all at the same time. A weird cross between a chick flick and a college gross out movie. I could have done without the birthing scene (shudder), but other than that, a genuinely funny, sweet and downright WACKY story (the scene with Rogen and Rudd on mushrooms in the hotel room discussing chairs almost killed me. I think I might have peed a little). The acting was great and if anyone is a Freaks and Geeks fan they MUST go to this movie as its a reunion of sorts with many of the Freaks cast members appearing.

Sure, there are some obvious plot devices at work-the end is no surprise, and of COURSE the doofus ends up with a hot blonde (no dear fiance I am NOT pointing at you with that comment...but now that I think about it...), but the writing is spectacular.

Instead of being a movie about how this-happened-and-then-this-happened, you walk out talking about all the great things the characters said to each other. It's the kind of movie you go back to twice because you want to hear them say it again. ("Five is WAY TOO MANY chairs for this room"...ha ha...okay, you had to be there...but trust me. Its funny). Any movie that identifies the white guy dance "the dice move" is a-list in my books.

Go see this movie. If you think its beneath you because its a "blockbuster"...well...relax and eat some popcorn. Not everything can be Fellini. (And thank god really.) Sometimes, movies are made for pure entertainment, and this one is purely entertaining.

Make sure you go to the bathroom before you go in though. The hotel scene may do you in...

Facebook etiquette

2007-06-07T10:32:00.000-07:00

So I have been "booking" for awhile and I have just started getting the friend requests that I have to think about.

People I barely know are asking to be my friend (which is very flattering and creepy all at the same time). A girl I went to elementary, junior and high school with that I barely talked to and didn't really like has just asked to be my friend.

What do I do?

Do I say "no...thanks...but I remember you picking your nose and eating it and....well...ew"

Do I say "sure...why not...I really hope you don't pick your nose and eat it anymore. Because...well...ew"

What does "friends" mean on facebook? There are people with HUNDREDS of friends...do they really know them? And if they DO...why am I not that popular? Does it matter if I say "yes" to someone being my friend if they really...well...aren't even slightly? And never were? Its been GREAT to find people that I actually am looking forward to catching up with. But people that I don't even have a shared history with...what do we catch up ON???

Oh Miss Manners...where are you when I need you???

Back for good....

2007-06-06T07:36:00.000-07:00

I have an embarrassing admission.

I am rather fond of Take That.

Yup...thats right...the 1990's boy band from the UK.

I am a dork.

Now, I am also a Take That purist...none of this NEW Take That sans Robbie Williams (Robbie Williams...yum). Only the golden oldie era of Take That.

In honour of Take That and their clean cut yet trying to be coolishness I give you...

Back for good...

awesome....

A Moment of Noise

2007-06-05T09:48:00.000-07:00

Last night I attended the memorial for my friend, T-Paul Ste Marie. T-Paul is a legend in the Vancouver counter culture community-a beat poet laureate, swank hipster, rockabilly, psychobilly, firebreathing performer. Born too late, or too early, he wandered Main Street with his died black pompadour and tattooed arms with a cigarette pack in his sleeve and a smirk on his face looking like Jack Kerouac's long lost soulmate. He did NOT suffer fools lightly and loved people unconditionally. We met while acting in Tony and Tina's Wedding. He was larger than life, and through that largeness, had the ability to bring everyone together, as was evident by the impromptu memorial last night.

The Cafe Deux Soliels was packed with people of all shapes, sizes and background. A bunch of us who had done TnT sat together, looking on at the freaks and geeks in attendance. From aging hippies, to tattooed bikers to 65 year old overweight men in blue overalls, we were all in attendance to celebrate the life force that was T-Paul Ste. Marie. He certainly did not go gently into that good night.

Instead of a moment of silence, we had a moment of noise for the crazy, wacky, beat poet, emcee, freakshow passion monkey that T-Paul was. He would have loved every ear drum blasting moment of it.

T-Paul lived every moment to the fullest. I challenge you all to do the same, if not for him, then for yourselves because we never know which day may be our last.

I give you...T-Paul with his moment of noise-his signature performance piece "Invocation".

Rest well T-Paul. You will be missed but never forgotten...

Facebooking with my bad self

2007-05-23T09:58:00.000-07:00

Like Hot Lunch, I too have been drawn into the web that is Facebook. I have been quite enjoying roaming around and looking for people I have lost-and am now finding. Yes, there are some people showing up that I would rather not see, but for the most part, it has been a highly addictive (yah, like I need another one) cyber adventure.

One of my ex high-school classmates that I found (yay) mentioned that we all looked better than we did in high school. Thank god that is true.

Perhaps it is because none of us were comfortable in our skin then. I know I wasn't. I was the academic drama geek who played sports and was the class clown. Yup, I was apparently schizophrenic. I dated a football player (which upped my cool factor) who then dumped me because his best friend (who I saw last year and he is a TOTAL loser. payback rocks) said I wasn't cool enough only to try and get back together with me weeks later. dork. My eyebrows looked like caterpillars (hooray for my esthetician goddess) and my hair was...well...really freaking big. And I thought I was fat (boy was I dumb. dumb dumb dumb). I was friends with everyone, but not really close to anyone as I was too busy performing all the time. I didn't fit in, but I didn't NOT fit in...know what I mean?

Only recently have I decided I like who I am, and that its okay that I am a smarty pants who likes to be on stage but can also throw a mean football. I think that makes me look better on the outside because I feel better on the inside...

Wow...Facebook...apparently it brings out the introspective side too...

Lack of blogging and Dane Cook

2007-05-22T09:24:00.000-07:00

I have been SUCH a bad blogger! No idea why. I am lacking in things to say I guess...BUT NO LONGER!

And why?

Because summer movies are starting. And summer movies are FODDER for blogging...

Take for example the new Kevin Costner movie "Mr Brooks". Man is THIS a movie I will be avoiding. Generally, it would be the presence of Mr. Costner that would make me run like a school girl (the man is as exciting as melba toast), but instead, its Dane Cook.

What the heck is WITH Dane Cook? The man is about as funny as athletes foot and he CERTAINLY can't act. Yet this summer he has one, not two but THREE movies coming out. Good Luck Chuck, which also stars Jessica Alba (yeesh. She is ALSO dreadful. I am thinking Good Luck Chuck will be like a root canal on film) and Dan in Real Life, which stars a SURPRISINGLY large amount of talented people including Steve Carrell, Dianne Wiest, John Mahone y and Juliette Binoche. Apparently they were all drunk when they signed on.

I am going to be renting ALOT of DVDs...

Random thoughts from Skytrain commute

2007-05-14T10:53:00.000-07:00

If I say "No thank you" to your free copy of 24 Hours or Metro it is NOT a personal slag. Please don't give me the look of death or glare at me.
Deodorant...its a good thing
No matter how cool you THINK you are, once you wear a fanny pack, all that coolness goes right out the window
Volume knob-use it
Stop staring at my boobs. Yes, they are real and they are spectacular. They are also spoken for. And you smell.
I can see you picking your nose. We all can. It ain't pretty.

HOORAY FOR WAYNE!

2007-05-08T14:37:00.000-07:00

Last night was the final episode of Project Catwalk 2007 hosted by the ubiquitous Kelly Osbourne.

Big ups to winner, and my personal fave to win...WAYNE AVELINE! This extra from a Spice Girls movie (so not making this up) was the designer with the most personality and style in my opinion. His tailoring was impeccable, and the three final catwalk collections, his was head and shoulders above the rest and included a dress and bodice both sculpted out of aluminum!

YAY WAYNE!!!

Shameless pat on the back for me

2007-05-08T12:59:00.000-07:00

I am dancing with joy.

I just found out a grant I had written to pay for a summer student has been approved for the FULL AMOUNT! I had been living in fear that I would be doing all my work AND all the work that she would be/had been doing. oy...

WOO FREAKING HOO!

YAY ME!

In celebration, I feel that I should do no more work today and surf the web for fabulous things...

like this...

Yes, it is David Hasslehoff. No, he isn't vomiting..

I give you...

The Hasselhoffman-Episode 1!

Blossoming starlet

2007-05-08T11:53:00.000-07:00

Inspired by Hot Lunch, I have been playing the "What ever happened to" game with Blossoming actress (insert groan for bad punnage here) Mayim Bialik, star of the 1990's sitcom Blossom.

Mayim finished her tenure at Blossom and decided to take a break from acting and pursue her second love.

Neuroscience.

Of course. What a logical extension.

After being accepted by both Harvard and Yale, she headed off to UCLA so she could remain closer to her parents. She has completed her doctorate in Neuroscience and lives with her husband, child, bird and cat in LA. She has also adopted a whale, a wolf and a manatee.

WHOA! (to quote good old Joey)

During the completion of her doctorate, she decided that she missed the footlights and decided to return to acting. Hence her appearance in Fat Actress. She also made a movie titled Kalamazoo...

Three women return home for their ten year high school reunion to discover that a time capsule made on graduation night, predicting where everyone would be in ten years' time, is due to be opened and read aloud at the impending event. Horrified at the thought of their unfulfilled goals being revealed, they embark on a 'search and destroy' mission to get their hands on the capsule and chaos ensues! Meanwhile, the spirits of their three deceased grandmothers come down to help guide the gals through this transitional point in their lives.

The trailer is truly something to behold. I tried to link it, but my computer kept vomiting. Go and look for yourselves. You will not be disappointed.

She appeared in a documentary titled "Child Star Confidential" which follows a whole bunch of child stars and "where they are now".

Including Candace Cameron Bure from Full House.
She grows up well. Apparently being married to a hockey star does wonders for you!

What a BRILLIANT way for me to while away my Tuesday morning...thanks Hot Lunch!

Still angst ridden after all these years

2007-05-02T15:05:00.000-07:00

Apparently, I am regressing.

I am becoming a teenager again.

There were hints of this before with my new musical choices.

Today, however, this has been confirmed by the appearance of Mount St. Helen's under my left eyebrow.

It is so huge it looks like an eyebrow piercing gone HORRIBLY wrong.

This is SO NOT FAIR!

I AM OVER THIRTY! WHY THE HECK AM I GETTING A ZIT THE SIZE OF A SMALL BURRO ON MY FACE?

I am very bitter about this. If I am suddenly going to start morphing into a teenager, why can't it be that I suddenly get the BODY of a teenager. I could deal with perky boobs and a skinny ass! Instead, I get an angry pulsing creature on my eyebrow.

gnrrrrrrr

I'm off to eat chocolate...that'll make me feel better.

By the power of Greyskull...

2007-05-01T14:13:00.000-07:00

This Saturday the fiance and I wrested ourselves out of our sickbed to attend Hot Fuzz with a squadron of our friends. We had been looking forward to this movie with breathless anticipation for months, and we were not disappointed.

Hot Fuzz is a British police action/comedy film written by Simon Pegg (who also stars in it) and Edgar Wright (who directs it), who were the ROCK STAR team behind the love story with zombies, Shaun of the Dead. Also making appearances are Nick Frost, Bill Nighy, Jim Broadbent, Timothy Dalton and THE EQUALIZER (also known as Edward Woodward).

The movie tells the tale of Nicholas Angel, a London Super cop with an arrest record 400% higher than any other officer on the force. He's so good, he makes everyone else look bad. As a result, Angel's superiors send him to a place where his talents won't be quite so embarrassing - the sleepy and seemingly crime-free village of Sandford. However, as a series of grisly accidents rock the village, Angel is convinced that Sandford is not what it seems. It's time for these small-town cops to break out some big-city justice and the BOOMSTICKS!

It was loud. It was stupid. It paid homage to some of the worst Hollywood blockbusters ever (can we say Bad Boys II and Point Break? I knew we could). It was filled with some great cameos and my sides hurt from laughing so hard by the end of it.

I didn't like it as much as Shaun of the Dead, but I would still give this movie two BIG TIME thumbs up. Don't go if you are expecting intimate stories and moving cinema however. Only go if you are looking for some good quality explosions, obscure cop movie pop culture references, and some off beat humour like only the brits can deliver!

I AM A PARIAH!

2007-04-30T13:21:00.000-07:00

I have caught "the cold". You know the one. Its been profiled on CBC, people are wearing facemasks, and Tylenol cold is rushing off the shelves.

Gnnnnnr.

My fiance's cousin is the epicentre of this bastard. He gave it to the affianced, who kindly passed it on to me.

We have become the worlds most pathetic couple. I sound like Harvey Fierstein, and he is making sounds like a birthing cow.

Yuck.

I'm not complaining. Really, I'm not. Getting colds is part of life, and I actually feel okay-I just sound like a 55 year old gay Jewish New Yorker. And I just coughed up something that looked like Eggs Benedict. ew.

I am complaining about other people's reaction to my cold.

I am not asking for your sympathy. I am not asking for your kleenex. I am not really asking for much.

I do not, however, want to hear "ew! Get away! EW! Don't give it to me! Are you contagious? EW!"

This makes me want to lick the person. Spit on their phone. Sneeze on their keyboard. Its all I can do to not wait until they leave the room and then run in and breathe on their lunch. I know that's a petty reaction for me to have but COME ON now...how is that supposed to make me feel? I wash my hands, I try not to stand too close! Jerkheads...

My ex boss at the PR firm which shall not be named used to spray antibacterial lotion at people whenever they got sick. That only made the sick person wet and eventually caused him to have no antibodies to speak of, so he would get sick. He was the person most infected by colds in our office, probably because he bathed in antibacterial stuff...yuck.

I must go now...i think i just coughed up a lung.

ew again...

Thumbs up review-Idiocracy

2007-04-25T11:50:00.000-07:00

A few weekends ago, the fiance, the brother-in-law and I watched Idiocracy by Mike Judge of Office Space (have you seen my stapler?)fame.

THUMBS WAY UP!

Idiocracy stars Luke Wilson (sigh) and Maya Rudolph. Wilson and Rudolph play an "Average Joe" and a prostitute subjected to a military experiment which puts them in hibernation, from which they are to awaken in one year. However they are forgotten and instead emerge 500 years later in a world where "typical Americanism" has resulted in a uniformly stupid humanity.

As a follow up to Office Space, the film was highly anticipated by fans and critics alike. But it was not available for preview by critics, its much-delayed release received no publicity, and it was finally seen in only a small number of theaters with a limited release of 130! As a result, widespread conjecture arose of deliberate suppression by the studio. Despite these troubles, the film received largely favorable reviews by critics and viewers. Praise focussed on concept, casting, and humour and the film's release issues received the worst of the criticism.

Time Magazine, Esquire and Slate all comment on the movie and Judge's treatment by the studios. There are a variety of theories bandied about, but personally, I think the movie was hidden because it really hits the nail on the head. North Americans LOVE stupid! And fat! And easy! The smart may be getting smarter but its the dumb asses that survive!

From the Slate review...

Idiocracy challenges a central article of faith in American life, the notion that we are destined for moral, material, and intellectual progress. And what if things really are getting worse? What if, more to the point, we really are getting dumber? Recently there's been some troubling evidence that the arrow of intelligence is pointing downward. A British study found that the intelligence of British 11-year-olds has actually declined during the last 20 years. Data from the Danish draft board indicate that intelligence peaked in the late-1990s and has now fallen to levels not seen since 1991, when MC Hammer-inspired parachute pants were all the rage. If that's not enough to make you slit your wrists, I don't know what is.
To his everlasting credit, Mike Judge doesn't counsel despair. Instead, he's telling thoughtful Americans that we can't expect other people to solve our problems for us. If you're alarmed by the callousness and the crassness of our culture, which you certainly should be, do something about it. Lead or follow. Getting out of the way is not an option. Failing that, you should at least try to outbreed the people you hate most.

Thumbs way up Mr. Judge! Keep on doing that crazy thing you do!!!

Judge not lest ye be judged

2007-04-25T11:06:00.000-07:00

A coons age ago, when I worked downtown, I would phone my rocking friend "the Groomswoman", and regale her with the alarming fashions on Robson st. These fashions would generally involve the latest trends gone all "higgly piggly".

All wrong.

I don't do that anymore. Not that people in New West aren't stylish or well dressed, for most of them are. Its refreshing not to see people covered head to toe in Gucci wear, or wearing $800.00 tshirts.

However this morning I feel the need to comment.

As I was "zoom zooming" down the road in my fun and festive Mazda (we call him Chico), I noted a young, not unattractive woman with great hair in the following attire.
That's right. A denim suit. Denim blazer, flared denim skirt AND to top it all off...

DENIM SHOES!!!!!

All EXACTLY the same colour!!!

I really wanted to go all Stacy and Clinton on her ass. I felt the need to stop in the middle of Columbia St, leap out, and yell SHUT UP!

There is no excuse for that kind of behaviour. You have to REALLY try to be covered head to toe in faded blue denim.

I felt the need to share this with all of you. I am concerned for the universe....

I am filled with joy

2007-04-24T11:25:00.000-07:00

Any moment now, you will all hear a squeal of delight.

That will be Hot Lunch realizing that Olivia Newton John's masterpiece Xanadu has been made into a musical on Broadway.

XANADU ON BROADWAY!

I also note that Ms Newton John has a new CD out! Well golly gee thats just SUPER!

I am filled with warm fuzzy joy.

I give you...

Xanadu...

Miss Manner's guide to tranist Chapter 2

2007-04-24T11:11:00.000-07:00

A further letter to the girls on the skytrain,

Dear dancing fools,

I understand that you are young and exuberant. Good on you. Get it out of your system now, because trust me, when you creep into your thirties, you will decide that morning calisthenics are a colossal waste of time that can be better spent mainlining coffee. Or sleeping.

While I appreciate your exuberance, I DO NOT under any circumstances appreciate your dance routines with accompanying singing performed in the middle of the skytrain at 8:15 am.

Especially when it is line dancing.

I was quite confused by your choice of dancing. And singing. If you can call it singing. None of you are Beyonce, let me tell you. Your singing was alarming-even for country music. No matter how loud I turned up my "ican'tbelieveitssosmall" player and the kick ass tones of Serena Ryder, I could STILL hear you all screeching Kenny Chesney. I think it was Kenny Chesney. At least, that's what you all kept yelling.

You just don't LOOK like country music fans. From the 2 foot high mohawk to the endless belly button exposure, none of you were overly "country". Or wholesome. Or clean. But I digress.

My point, through all this rambling, is that your fellow commuters, and there were many of us and we ALL looked unhappy about the scene you were creating, don't need or want to see or hear you. You suck at dancing, you suck at singing, and you all have the fashion sense of...well...I don't know. I was just too freaking tired to come up with an appropriate metaphor for your fashion sense because it was EIGHT FIFTEEN AM! Not early by most standards, but early by mine. Lets just say it sucked too and be done with it.

I understand that you are teenagers and come with a predisposed "dude, I SO don't care what you think about me...well really I do, but I don't want YOU to know that" attitude and you feel that that attitude gives you the right to inflict your horrid performance on the rest of us. Twerps.

I place a curse on you, you acne ladened little beasties. One day, one fateful day, you too will be old like me and you will be on some form of rapid transit and an offensive little trog of a teenager will do something loud, heinous and obnoxious infront of you and suddenly, you will be overwhelmed with embarrassment because you will realize that you were once one of them. One of those odious, obnoxious, LOUD scourges of humanity. That embarrassment will haunt you the rest of your days, causing you endless grief and torment.

mwa ha ha ha ha...

Signed,
The angry blonde in the back seat, on behalf of the 8:15 Edmonds to New West skytrain.

perhaps I should drink more coffee in the mornings. maybe that would prevent outbursts like these...

Doing the shoe

2007-04-18T09:38:00.000-07:00

There is a phenomenon in Vancouver know as...

The Army and Navy Shoe Sale

Women line up for hours for ludicrous deals on designer shoes. And some "sub designer" shoes that seem to be made out of cardboard. But I digress.

This sale is a historical right of passage for the Lower Mainland female. My mother went with her mother in the 50s. I am sure HER mother went with her mother before her. My mom and I have never gone together, but that is probably because they don't have Birkenstocks at Army and Navy.

As I work in New Westminster, I went to the New West store for the sale. Upon arrival at 7:50, I noted the 150 women in line, chomping at the bit to get to the shoes. I am sure the downtown store had CRAZY line ups even worse! AAAAAAAAAAAA! Women REALLY need their shoes!

oh dear god.

Luckily, my girlfriend was already in line, so I snuck in with her.

When the doors open, I expected an irrational stampede of women, roaring in like cattle to get to the Michael Kors.

Instead, in typically Canadian fashion, we moved in a leisurely, polite manner down the two flights of stairs to the shoes. No running, no yelling, no pushing. We sauntered, apologized if feet were stepped on, and even offered to hand each other baskets.

Disappointing.

I only purchased one pair of shoes, very similar to the ones pictured above but without the bows.

ONLY ONE PAIR!

Cultural Cruise only went home with two pairs (she was at downtown). She is holding out for a third pair, same style as one of the others but in a different colour.

I think I may need to go back...they restock all week until there are no more shoes left...I am sensing a size 10 Michael Kors sandal calling my name....

Shoe it up ladies! Shoe it up!

Hiding under my desk

2007-04-17T13:57:00.000-07:00

There are times when I read the news and I want to hide under my desk. From shootings in Virginia, to mobile phones wiping out our bees, I just don't want to know anymore.

I need laughter. I need frivolity. But somehow today, I just can't do it.

So instead, I will lower my head in a moment of silence for all that we have lost, and seem to be losing.

We will return to our regularly scheduled irreverence tomorrow. In its stead, please hug your neighbour and tell someone you love them.

An Ode to Hot Lunch

2007-04-12T13:13:00.000-07:00

Before you ask, no I do NOT spend all day on You Tube...these things just find their way to me...

Hot Lunch and I met when he was the IT Helpdesk at the company I was working for at the time. There were many morons who worked there, pestering him with problems that weren't actual problems. Including me. My computer hated me! It only did the evil things when only I was using it. I SWEAR!

Hot Lunch baby...this is for you!

Jason Lee-Freebie or Freak?

2007-04-11T13:22:00.000-07:00

Jason Lee makes random appearances on my Freebie Five. He shows up when I watch him in Kevin Smith movies (yes, I love Kevin Smith movies. I am the only woman in the world who loves Kevin Smith movies. I get that. Shut it) and he makes me laugh. He also appeals to my inner skater chick, even though I land on my ass every time I get near a skateboard. He leaves every time I remember that he is a rampant Scientologist. And that he has named his son Pilot Inspektor. I am not making this up.

Today, he is making me laugh...

I give you...Earl and Randy

A teenager is trapped in my brain!

2007-04-11T09:39:00.000-07:00

I have spent most of my adult life trying to "find myself". Many of us do. "Who am I?" "Why am I here?" "Why is Dane Cook so popular? (seriously. WHY? He is the least funny man ever. He must be stopped)" These and other questions wing their way through my brain at an alarming rate.

This weekend, I listened to My Chemical Romance at the urging of my fiance. I had been quite concerned that he owned My Chemical Romance in the first place as this band struck me as being overly "emo" and a bit too precious for their own good. And I was firmly convinced that only depressed teenagers listen to them.

I was wrong.

It takes a lot for me to admit that I am wrong.

The fiance discribed them as Queen meets Green Day meets Bon Jovi (fitting as they are from New Jersey). He is not alone in this thought. An odd combo, but true. It is the return of "Performance Rock" a la Freddie Mercury, with a little bit of angst and some good quality head banging guitar riffs. The ROCK the Power Ballad and true arena music anthems! And Liza Minelli makes a cameo on one of their songs. LIZA!!!!!

Even Pitchfork Media likes them. And they don't like ANYONE!

I would have been OBSESSED with this band at aged 13.

I think I may be turning into a teenager. My skin seems to be breaking out, and I feel the need to hit something.

sigh.

To start your Wednesday, I give you a bit of MCR with their new Power ballad "I Don't Love You". Raise your Bic's my friends!

I am a BAAAAD blogger

2007-04-05T10:59:00.000-07:00

I have been on a self imposed hiatus. am REALLY frustrated at my job so have not felt the desire to be creative. I have since decided that that deep blue funk is OVER!

I will be back to blogging up a storm...so first, some highlights of what has been up during my absence...

Decided on the theme for the wedding! YAY!
Joined a running group-urgh. I hate running, but i like being in shape. yuck. I also had a gauntlet dropped on me by the brother in law to be. He wants to do a triathlon. He wants me to do it with him. Hence, I am running. yuck
Friends of ours had THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BABY IN THE WORLD EVER! Welcome Emilia!
Scored Peter Fox shoes at VV Boutique
Napped
Plotted world domination

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Listening to the evil chocolate monster...

2007-03-27T13:16:00.000-07:00

As I have mentioned, I am getting hitched in August. Part of the wedding planning involves eating better for both the fiance and I as our pictures are being taken and all of our closest friends will be staring at us. We need to look hot. I don't know what he's worried about-the man is a clothes hanger-he looks good in anything. I however am blessed with curves. I have no problem with the curves-it just means that if I don't eat well, the curves grow in ways I am not comfortable with.

We have been eating reasonably healthy (I am beginning to fear lettuce), but lately, I have been having IRRATIONAL cravings. Not preggo cravings, trust me. The goalie is FIRMLY in place and is blocking all shots. I just REALLY want chocolate. I feel gross once I eat it as I am still battling a bit of stomach flu, but I eat it nonetheless.

Perhaps I am a victim of subliminal advertising. It IS easter season...time for that evil and tempting delight...the Cadbury's Easter Creme egg...

Yes, I know they are disgusting. Who KNOWS what goes in the filling, but DAMN those things are good...

Sigh...

If only chocolate helped you LOSE weight...THAT would be magic!!!!!

Friday afternoon laughter

2007-03-23T12:15:00.000-07:00

This is EXACTLY why I love the internet...

A-list-Joe Mimran

2007-03-22T09:53:00.000-07:00

Overheard today by me...

Hey Sasskitty! Your ass looks fantastic in those pants! Are they new?

Why yes they are oh fabulous coworker of mine! They are from Joe, designed by Joe Mimran, the guy behind Alfred Sung, Club Monaco and Caban who now does trendy affordable clothing for the Great Canadian Superstore a la Issac Mizrahi and Target. AND they were only NINETEEN DOLLARS!

I think this is insane ! I can't believe I spent 19 dollars on a pair of pants that make my ass look this good!

Well done Joe Mimran! Well done!

Dancing with confusion...

2007-03-19T16:22:00.000-07:00

I am at sixes and sevens. I am plussed! I am all in a kafuffle.

I am, I am not ashamed to admit, a bit of a boy when it comes to sports. I love sports. I love watching sports, if I could afford it, I would have seasons tickets to football (yes, CFL), basketball (go Sonics go) and maybe hockey (yup, i am a bad Canadian...don't really like hockey, and I am a REALLY bad Vancouverite because I prefer the Calgary Flames. I will pause for hatemail to be sent. pause. And now, I will resume).

One of my FAVOURITE players of ALL TIME is Clyde "the Glide" Drexler. First off, how can you NOT love a player called Clyde the Glide? Secondly, he was an amazing player. My favourite players are always the point guards (John Stockton, Clyde Drexler, Steve Nash, Gary Payton, Magic Johnson)-not usually the big point scorers, but they really drive the game as the playmakers. I was a power forward due to my height-I was never speedy or sneaky enough to be a point guard, but I always admire them.

In an alarming turn of events, Clyde "the Glide" Drexler is doing a turn on Dancing with the Stars.

OH CLYDE! SAY IT ISN'T SO!!!

Don't get me wrong. I fully intend to watch it and cringe at the badness of Heather Mills, Ian Ziering, Joey Fatone and Billy Ray Cyrus as they shake their achy breaky booty across the floor...but CLYDE? WHY!

ABC always finds a few sports stars to pad the roster, and they always do well. Emmit Smith won last year (poor Mario Lopez...he was robbed) and Jerry Rice came in second the year before. This year, Clyde will be gliding his way across the floor AND he will be joined by Apolo Ohno.

Yup...thats right...SPEED SKATING SUPERSTAR APOLO OHNO!

They have officially reached the bottom of the star bucket.

So my conundrum is...do I enjoy Clyde's gliding, or do I feel sad that one of my basketball heroes has fallen to the axe that is...

Dancing with the Stars...

Emotion of the day-Petty

2007-03-19T13:50:00.000-07:00

It is very wrong of me, but at this moment I am overjoyed and filled with glee.

I realize that it is quite petty. I am not PROUD of this by any stretch. In fact, I am slightly embarrassed by how overwhelmed I am with delight at the moment. I am giggling in my chair as I write this...

I have just discovered that my stalker ex boyfriend is married to a girl whose nickname was...

wait for it...

The Town Pump

hee hee hee hee hee

I am a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad person...

Seriously?

2007-03-19T13:48:00.000-07:00

Last night I came upon "Dodgeball" on TV. This movie makes me so happy as its just so...well...stupid, but in a good way.

I appreciate how the actors FLING themselves into their roles and are obviously having a great time with their performances. Jason Bateman kills me in this movie, William Shatner rocks my socks and David Hasslehoff in his cameo as the German Dodgeball Coach is magic.

I think the best thing about it is that NONE of the actors in the movie are taking themselves seriously. Bill and Dave know that they are taking the shit out of themselves with their performances, and they are embracing it. Yes, they may not be the next Robert DeNiro (who REALLY needs to find a good movie to be in-I have high hopes for Stardust, but Bobby D has NOT been choosing well at all!), but they certainly have a good time and understand that they are entertainers, not brain surgeons.

I had an audition this weekend for Zastrozzi, which is one of my favourite plays. I trudged through the rain, sleet and generally NASTY Vancouver weather to reach the audition. It was in a fabulous little studio space in Gastown-I never knew it was there, but how GREAT it was!

I was greeted by a myriad of "actors". Oh how I HATE "actors". Men in cropped Lululemon pants and skin tight shirts hyperventilating and expressing how they are having problems "dropping in their breath". Women looking self important and screeching "mee mee mee" at the top of their lungs. Most of them looking like they were about to participate in the MOST important thing EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!!!!! Because they are ACTORS! Serious bastards...

And the accents...whoa the accents.

Zastrozzi is subtitled "the master discipline" and it takes place in Europe. Apparently this subtitle gives people free reign to expound in bad accents in order to get into character. Specifically, Russian accents. Apparently being a master of discipline means you are Russian. Even though Zastrozzi is German.

Dear god in heaven.

I'll admit...I need to warm up more before auditions/performances etc. I am not as young as I used to be, and my body IS my tool, so I should respect it more. But I also do this because I enjoy it-its fun, I'm good at it, and I love being the centre of attention. Yes, some actors don't like that last part, but for the most part, we are all attention grabbing sluts who get off on being on centre stage (or in a close up shot or whatever). The amount of actors who think that they are "the shit" however astounds me. The belief that they are acting as a service to the planet, because they are better than the rest of the plebs in the world is prevalent and alarming to me.

A memo to all actors out there!

We are being paid to play make believe. ITS FUN! ENJOY IT! REVEL IN IT! You are an actor-the best job in the world. HOWEVER when you act like a poncy actor, you look like an idiot and guaranteed there is someone in the room-a fellow actor perhaps- perhaps a blonde one snorting behind her hand-that wants to beat you to death with Uta Hagen.

That is all.

The Evil Beet and American Idol

2007-03-15T13:03:00.000-07:00

One of my new favourite blogs is "The Evil Beet". This is for many reasons.

1. They are called the Evil Beet. I like beets, but I love this name even more!
2. Brilliant, and I do mean brilliant American Idol recaps.
3. Today's post has Gerald Butler in nothing but swim trunks. Praise the lord for hot men like Gerard Butler and Daniel Craig in swim trunks.

Let us pause to consider that...

HOORAY!

Now...back to the program...

I have a small and embarrassing addiction to some reality shows. Like American Idol, America's Next Top Model (last night was the makeover show! YAY!), Project Catwalk, Project Runway and I am flirting with the Next PussyCat Doll one because it is SO insane!

But back to the Idol.

First off, the Ford Videos...WHAT? Float on by Modest Mouse? I haven't stopped sputtering since then. The fiance thought I was choking on my quesadilla when it came on. This is one of my FAVOURITE songs! WHY MUST IT BE SUNG BY AMERICAN IDOL CONTESTANTS? And the video itself? Oh my...well...I just can't . Lets just say upsetting afros and leave it at that.

Here is the original video to Float On...that should undo some of the damage.

In addition to the Ford Videos and their heinousness, there is always someone on that show that stays for way too long that makes me want to beat the TV into a bloody pulp.

This year, that person would be Sanjaya Malakar.

I want to slap him silly.

He's just awful. He has the personality of tofu. And he is a CHILD! Send him home! Stop letting horny 12 year old girls vote! Stop the madness!

It is because of him that my early favourite Sundance was kicked off (okay, I liked him because he was huge and named Sundance. He could sing too, but HELLO! SUNDANCE? How fun is THAT!).

This week, poor Brandon, who could actually SING got the boot.
AAAAAAAAAAAAA!

This means another week of listening to this insipid child whine his songs.

Here is what "the Beet" has to say about him...

Oh good, Sanjaya. Man, I just plain old hate him. I’m sorry. Why is he still here? Diana Ross hates him too, and that makes me happy. You can tell she’s kind of like “Why am I spending my time with this talentless hack?” Sanjaya hits the stage and — OH MY GOD HIS HAIR IS IN RINGLETS!!! HE LOOKS LIKE CURLY SUE!! — proceeds to whisper the words to “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” with about the same amount of enthusiasm I tend to dedicate to urination. WHY IS THIS KID STILL HERE? OMG I hate him. Randy’s laughing it sucked so hard. He can’t stop laughing. Paula then explodes into a series of words I recognize as belonging to the category of “English,” but beyond that I can’t make heads or tails of them. Okay, so Simon’s like “When you hear a wail in Beverly Hills, that is where Diana Ross is watching this show,” and everyone is completely and utterly confused because they think he said “whale” instead of “wail” and it takes them a long time to sort it out, but eventually they start booing, because Sanjaya has curly hair and so they love him. Ultimately, 17-year-old Sanjaya has completely failed Homonyms 101, because Simon has to explain that he meant Diana Ross will “scream,” because one of the producers whispered into his ear piece that Americans don’t have anything bordering on an acceptable public education system. Then, because what if the horse isn’t dead yet?, Ryan talks about the “marine biology” whale versus the one Simon was talking about. Key takeaway: Diana Ross, no one is calling you a whale.

I really shouldn't care, but for me, what it comes down to is that EVENTUALLY I will hear the single of the person who wins on the radio. I would like that single to at least be okay enough that I don't have a seizure before I change the song. Carrie Underwood makes me twitch (Jesus PLEASE give her back the wheel. I know a Canadian wrote this song. It doesn't make it right). Ruben is a GIANT goober, Fantastia has become non existent and don't even get me STARTED about Clay. Taylor had good potential, but is spiralling into the depths of Adult Easy Listening Hell and the term Soul Patrol needs to be STRIPPED from the English vernacular. Kelly Clarkson is doing alright for herself though-go Kelly go! (on a side note, who the HELL does their websites. Hard to say which was worse...I may have to go with Ruben's. Anyhow, they need to be stopped too.)

I may need a life...

I tried on Liz Hurley's wedding dress!

2007-03-12T10:20:00.000-07:00

Well, almost.

In the effort to find THE dress (which I did...YAY! I look fab in it too!), I went to an assortment of stores. One that I went to labels itself as the largest in Canada. It may well be, but I would not recommend anyone venturing there. The sales tactics were REALLY high pressure and their prices were much higher than anywhere else.

One of the dresses that the saleswoman brought me was a strapless version of Liz Hurley's dress. She looks lovely and ethereal and slightly less boring than usual.

I looked like a deranged chicken. The sales person said I looked fantastic and dramatic. A fellow bride behind her kept mouthing to me "No! No! No!" I ran from the store shortly after.

But I am certainly less boring than Liz and my fiance is way hotter than hers. WOO HOO!

In further boring celebrity news, Boring Liz is no longer the host of one of my favourite shows "Project Catwalk". It is now boring Kelly Osborne. Snore. Kelly Osborne drives me batty-she presents her self as an edgy style maven, but she is really just a spoiled brat. Papa don't preach indeed.

Oh well-it promises to be an EXCELLENT series. I have already picked my favourite designer- Wayne Aveline who is the tattooed mustachioed gentleman on the left of the back row.

From his bio...

Wayne is a 32 year old gay Buddhist from Birmingham. He now works as a Club Host at Birmingham and The Cross, but was a womenswear designer for Sisley when he lived in Italy. Wayne has a BA (Hons) Fashion Design from Central St Martins, and won fetish designer of the year at the Erotica Awards.

He specialises in haute couture, women's evening wear and avant-garde. Wayne has no problems working with fur, suede or leather, and gets frustrated at people's narrow mindedness. Wayne was an extra in the Spice Girls Movie, and in keeping with these days wears 11' heels making him a looming 7"1'. Bold and outspoken, Wayne said that most of the designers were "shit" at call-backs.

GO WAYNE GO!!! His dress kicked ass this week! I am looking forward to what he comes up with in future episodes.

Food for thought: The Hart House

2007-03-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

Last night the fiance and I went to the Hart House Restaurant at Deer Lake in Burnaby for his birthday dinner. We were certainly not disappointed!

The restaurant itself is a heritage building that has been converted into a lovely restaurant and event facility. The view overlooks Deer Lake and every table has a sense of intimacy, but not in a snooty overpowering way. The restaurant describes itself as casually elegant, and I think that hits the mark. We would have been comfortable in nice jeans and a shirt or a suit and dress-it wouldn't have mattered.

Our waiter inspired both of us to think career change-the affianced has decided that he wants to be a cool waiter when he turns 50 and endeavour to the heights of ours. He was knowledgeable, relaxed, attentive, funny and not at all overbearing. Added amazingly to the dining experience.

We started with a bottle of Burrowing Owl Pinot Noir. Yummy. A little overrated for the price, but it was still a lovely wine and went perfectly with our meals! Our waiter even complimented our choice (although the compliment definitely added to his tip...hmmm...he WAS a good waiter!)

I started with the beef carpaccio with arugula, truffle dressing and caper berries. The affianced started with the dungeness crab cakes with thai dressing. YUM on both accounts. The carpaccio melted in my mouth and the saltiness and tanginess of the dressing and caper berries really added to the flavour of the meat. The crab cakes were perfectly done and the sauce was yummy cocoanutty goodness.

For the mains, the boy had the rack of lamb which I am told was good. I don't eat lamb because it tastes like goat to me and I grew up on a goat farm (yup...a farm girl. Explains SO MUCH!). I had the wild mushroom risotto. I was tempted by the Roast tenderloin, but I love risotto and wanted to try theirs and do NOT regret my choice. It went beautifully with the wine, it was creamy, cheesy and magnificent with a lovely assortment of wild mushrooms that weren't at all overwhelming.

The desserts however were not as amazing as the meal. They were fine, but the rest of the food was so spectacular, it would have been hard to beat. The boy had a warm chocolate caramel pecan brownie with vanilla ice cream and candied pecans. It was fine-the pecans rocked, but the rest was okay. I had the dessert trio-chocolate hazelnut mousse cake (good), creme caramel (okay, THAT was amazing...yum yum yum) and a coconut chocolate cake (meh). In future, I think I will stick with the creamy desserts from the Hart House. We finished off our meal with a lovely coffee, left a fabulous tip for our waiter and headed off into the raining, dismal evening.

Four enthusiastic thumbs up for the Hart House! We look forward to returning in the nicer weather for brunch on the patio.

Whatever happened to the Spellbound kids?

2007-03-09T14:25:00.000-08:00

I loved the movie Spellbound. What's not to love though? Its a movie that celebrates the geek, and we have all been the geek in one situation or other.

This movie was on the other night while I was at home looking after the fiance who had just had laser eye surgery. He is doing very well, thanks for asking. I almost fainted when they were describing the procedure to him, which didn't really help him relax at all funnily enough. I have no problem with medical stuff-I can watch medical shows, I used to be a cracker jack first aid attendant that had to deal with a range of marvellous injuries, but I think my imagination is too strong, so the description almost killed me. Sad. He looks quite dashing in his sunglasses, although he is going TOTALLY stir crazy and he is probably reading this right now, which he shouldn't be doing as the glare from the computer is bad for his eyes so STOP READING THIS RIGHT NOW FIANCE OF MINE!! Alright, back to Spellbound...

Spelling Bees are big money. The Scripps National spelling bee is one of the most watched events on ESPN. The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee is a Tony Award winning Broadway Musical that was written I am sure in response to the buzz that Spellbound got. Imagine my delight when I went to the website for the aforementioned musical and saw Jesse Tyler Ferguson as one of the spellers. Jesse who plays Ritchie Veltch, my FAVOURITE character on the Class. (Jesse is number 17 in the photo below)

And who can forget that smash hit Akeelah and the Bee (seriously...did anyone see that? I really should...).

But while the bees may be big money, what does it mean to the participants? Where do they go after their brush with stardom of spelling bees, or specifically, being in the documentary Spellbound?

So, I decided to check out three of my favourite spellers Harry, George and Ashley...

Harry Altman
I loved this kid. I mean LOOK AT HIM! Dorky jokes, random robot impressions. love him. Harry attended the Academy for Engineering and Design Technology in Hackensack, New Jersey. He enrolled in the University of Chicago in autumn of 2005 (gotta love the internet and wikipedia) and has participated in a variety of academic quiz competitions at the university level including the College Quiz Bowl and the National Academic Quiz Tournament. Once a geek always a geek I guess.

George Thampy
Ah George. Slight speech impediment, wearing a suit that made him look 90 and a homeschool religious fanatic. Magic. Trust in Jesus was George's motto. He won in 2000, attended Harvard with the intention of becoming a doctor and now works for the Scripps Spelling Bee. I guess spelling really is his life.

Ashley White
Ashley was the one I was rooting for because she came from "the wrong side of the tracks" and she had such an amazing outlook on life. Five years after participating in the bee she became a single mother who bounced between the homes of her relatives. This article profiles her story and the changes that have come from the community rallying around her to allow her to pursue the dreams that she had when she was in the bee. I hope she reaches them!

The name is Bun...James Bun

2007-03-06T13:10:00.000-08:00

I am a HUGE James Bond fan. My fiance bought me a tattoo for my birthday last year (which I still haven't gotten...yes, I am bad...) and the tattoo I want is a caricature of myself as a Bond Girl. Fab.

For your Tuesday viewing pleasure, I give you the Angry Alien Productions 30 second Bunny Theatre presentation of a James Bond Bunny Mini-Medley. I love the 30 second Bunny Theatre productions-my favourite was A Christmas Story, that has now been replaced by the ode to Bond.

Joyous rapture...with bunnies!

How much do I love Mika?

2007-03-04T19:47:00.000-08:00

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO a rhetorical question.

LOVING the MIKA! Hot Lunch has gushed about Mika recently, and I totally concur with his rave reviews.

Much singing and dancing by me on the first listen of the whole album (which was on the skytrain on the way to buy my wedding dress! YAY! I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE my dress! Big ups to Bryan's Bride! No pressure, great prices, and FIERCE dresses!). The man is SO channeling Freddie Mercury, which thrills me to no end because Freddie rocked. Great voice, fabulous music, a whole lot of camp and just a little bit of social commentary. What is not to love?

I really have nothing deep and inspiring to say about the album-it just makes me happy, and for me, that is more than enough! This album is my new "I hate the world" album because it is guaranteed to bring anyone out of their deep blue funk!!!

I give you the video to the first single, Grace Kelly. Enjoy it! Love it! DANCE AND SING!!!!!

And I follow it up with him performing on "Later with Jools Holland" I SO wish I got BBC, especially as Amy Winehouse is on this week, and she is amazing! More on her later-don't want to take away from the fabulousness and funness of Mika! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Its a time wasting Friday

2007-03-02T12:00:00.000-08:00

I don't want to work today AT ALL!

I have written so many requests and grants the last few days my fingers and brain are cramped. Why oh why is there no money fairy that can fly down and hurl funds at my small and worthwhile non-profit...why???

I am feeling a bit "social activitst" today, so bear with me. I have included some fun ones as well for web exploring pleasure...

Meet the world
Icaro Doria is a 25 year old Brazilian artist who is part of a team of artists that produced a unique and moving flag campaign. The artists researched relevant, global, and current facts and, thus, came up with the idea to put new meanings to the colours of the flags. They used real data taken from the websites of Amnesty International and the UNO. There are eight flags that portray very current topics like the division of opinions about the war in Iraq in the United States, the violence against women in Africa, the social inequality in Brazil, the drug trafficking in Columbia, Aids and malaria in Angola, etc.

Ceres
Put your money where your mouth is! Ceres is a coalition of investor groups, environmental organizations and investment funds engaging directly with companies on environmental and social issues. Ceres companies seek to attain long-term business value and to improve management quality through stakeholder engagement, public disclosure and performance improvements.

Breathing Earth
Oy!

Imagine Canada
Canada is second only to Holland in the amount of non-profit organizations that exist within the country. Millions of Canadians work in the non-profit sector, yet a very tiny percent of BIG MONEY Canadians or corporations donate to or support any non-profits-yes, many participate in United Way giving campaigns, but few see outside that box (yes, that is my own personal soap box...I appreciate all the United Way does but many companies won't support or sponsor small organizations BECAUSE they give to the United Way-an organization my small non-profit gets no funding from). Imagine Canada focuses on getting non profits, philanthropists and businesses working together through great programs like the Caring Company program and providing low cost access to foundation databases.

Raising the Roof
Raising the Roof is Canada's only national charity dedicated to long-term solutions to homelessness. They:

Build awareness about homelessness and what can be done.
Raise funds for community groups working to alleviate homelessness.
Give corporations, organizations and people from all walks of life ways to develop and join in strategies to address and prevent homelessness nationally and in their own communities. This includes providing the opportunity for local agencies and communities to learn from one another and share action-oriented prevention strategies.

AND the toques they sell are FABULOUS! I wear mine to football practise!!!

Tastespotting
A webportal of food blogs, fabulous kitchen websites et al. ITS FOOD PORN PEOPLE! I am SUCH a foodie and one of my secret aspirations is to be a fabulously wealthy personal chef or own my own extremely hip restaurant...sigh...if only I was made of money...

Knitty
In addition to being a foodie, I have a secret love of crafting and knitting. If only there were 87 hours in a day and I had an attention span longer than a squirrel...

Etsy
See above...but this way, other people do it for me! I got an incredibly cool ring from there made out of a Guiness beer can on sterling silver. It lets me wear my Irishness/booziness with pride!

Adero Design
I cannot describe how much I want this chair/couch/chaise thingy...I also cannot describe how much my fiance would HATE it!

Enjoy...

I am getting old...

2007-02-28T14:28:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was driving and channel surfing on the radio and I came upon a new artist I had never encountered. The Fox was playing Cancer Bats, a hardcore/metal band out of Toronto.

In my younger years, I was a bit of a headbanger. Metallica, Nine Inch Nails, Nitzer Ebb and their ilk all were part of a regular rotation on my tape deck (yes, that long ago). I had the hair, I grew up near Drunken Duncan on Vancouver Island.
I haven't really gotten rid of my love of metal. My hair may not be as large, and I no longer live near Drunken Duncan, but I have been known to listen to it blasting out of the stereo of our wee Mazda Protege 5. And I bang my head proudly.

The Cancer Bats however did NOT do it for me. My first reaction was one of horror that any band would name themselves the Cancer Bats. Yes, it made me laugh (go on, try saying Cancer Bats...you'll giggle), then I was horrified at the name-like they were mocking the disease. It's like calling a band the AIDS Badgers or the Diabetes Elves. Its just wrong.

But once I got over the name, and my dislike of it, I listened to them.

Oh the noise.

The loud, screaming, Cancer Batish noise.

It made me upset.

Because it made me feel old...

"This isn't music" I said to myself "Its yelling to loud guitar riffs! My cat could play this!"

sigh...next step...Englebert Humperdinck (can you believe he changed his name to BECOME Englebert Humperdinck?).

I give you the Cancer Bats with their single French Immersion. They are SO a Canadian Band with a single called French Immersion...i do appreciate that...

Whatever happened to Meryn Cadell?

2007-02-28T10:05:00.000-08:00

Back in 1991 I was focused on being terminally hip. I had completed my first year of University, had just started dating someone who I thought was the man of my dreams (we had met when we were 11 and had been flirting for 7 years so I assumed he was the one. Obviously I was wrong as he became a stalker who spouted terms like "I am a lone wolf...we mate for life and you are the one". I evidently was in training to meet THE man of my dreams- a tall, dark handsome French Canadian who I am engaged to-YAY!). I had really big hair and had been accepted into the Acting Fine Arts program at the University, I was 18 going on 19 and I was COOOOL!

My then boyfriend was a music geek (my fiance is one as well...apparently that is a trait that attracts me). Because of him, I was introduced to some great artists through his endless production of mixed tapes for me and I was the lead singer in his band (sadly, this band was the worst in the universe. seriously. the worst.).
One of the artists he introduced me to was Meryn Cadell for her FANTASTIC girl anthem... The Sweater

Girls,
I know you will understand this
and feel the intrinsic incredible emotion
You have just pulled over your head the worn,
warm sweater belonging to a boy

Feeling nostalgic, I decided to explore the web and see whatever happened to Ms. Cadell.

Meryn Cadell is now teaching song lyrics at UBC and since 2003 has been living as a man and is the happiest he has ever been. GO MERYN GO!

Here is a very recent interview with him in the Torontoist. Apparently I was not the only one wondering "what ever happened to Meryn Cadell?"

Miss Manner's guide to tranist

2007-02-27T09:00:00.000-08:00

A letter to the girls on transit with me this morning...

Dear nubile nitwits,

I understand that you are only 19 years old and have not yet evolved to the point where you realize that you are not the only people that matter on the planet, but your fellow commuters have something to say.

We do not care about your Saturday night.

We do not care about the conversations that you had with Biff, Charla, Stevie and Rezzo at the Plaza.

We do not care that you were "Like so pissed off".

We do, however, want you to learn proper English grammar, because it is evident through the myriad of "likes, beeayches, yaaaaaaaaaaaahs and dudes" that you couldn't put together a coherent sentence if you were forced to at gunpoint. It concerns all of us that both of you are heading to Douglas College (we know this because of the Douglas college emblem on the ass of your sweatpants) to pursue higher education when you sound like Moon Unit Zappa. "Like" is not a word that can be used as a verb, adverb, noun, adjective and expletive depending on your mood.

We do not need to over hear THIS at 188 decibels (which for your edification, is the same decibel level as the launch of a Space Shuttle), which was the level at which you were speaking,

"Oh...my...god! And then, like, yah, he was like "I like you" and I was like "dude! I totally don't like you like that. You're like...well...like....yah. Like come on. Don't get like in my face!" And then he was like "Beeyach" and I was like "whatever" and he was like"you!" and I was so like angry and like sad that I was totally like "wah" and like crying, like you know?"

We, your fellow commuters, appreciate that you have not seen each other in a whole 2 days and have not MSN'd in over an hour. ROTFLMAO. We know that you miss each other and just MUCH catch up because SO MUCH has happened!!! We do wish to remind you that the skytrain is quite small and if you yell at each other like you are on opposite shores we all will hear your inanely annoying conversation. Through our headphones. Our headphones that have really loud music playing through them. Really loud music that doesn't seem to block out your voices because of the extremely high pitch. Like a dog whistle. Or nails on a chalkboard.

So, dear sweet ladies, we have one thing to say to you. And we mean this from the bottom of our hearts.

Shut the f*&k up!!!!

Thank you,

The commuters on the 8:05 am skytrain from Edmonds to New Westminster Station.

I've been tagged!

2007-02-20T21:34:00.000-08:00

I have been tagged by Matty from his bit o' space...so here goes! Would love to see how Cultural Cruise responds...I know Hot Lunch already has...

Name a book that you want to share so much that you keep giving away copies:

I Love You Forever by Robert Munsch

I have given this book to too many people to count. It makes me cry when someone I love is reading it, so I have to leave the room. Its such a simple and beautiful tale and I love the story as to why Munsch wrote it.

Name a piece of music that changed the way you listen to music:

Goldberg Variations by Glenn Gould. Not one piece per say...but is IT!

THIS is how to play the piano. When I listen and watch him play, I know why I love playing piano, even though I don't do it anywhere near as much as I would like to. I have always admired the way he plays...not only is it perfect, but he is transported by the music. His whole body plays the piano. He was also a bit of a fruit bat, but most geniuses are, aren't they...

Name a film you can watch again and again without fatigue:

This list is extensive because...well...I love re-watching movies-its like they are old friends!

32 Short films about Glenn Gould-perhaps a bit of a theme here?

Colm Feore is brilliant in this, which is why he remains one of my favourite actors. A fabulous example of true Canadian Cinema for a true Canadian genius.

The Princess Bride

I can actually say most of the lines in the movie along with the actors, somewhat like a deranged Monty Python fan (Hello...my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die). I have seen this movie an insane amount of times...it is the ULTIMATE "I feel like crap and I am not leaving this couch even for a house fire" movie.

Truly, Madly, Deeply

This movie, more than any other I have seen, is really about true love. About letting go, holding on and that gut wrenching feeling one gets when in love. This is the movie that made me a fan of Alan Rickman and put Juliet Stevenson on my top actress list. I sold shoes to her and I almost fainted I was so excited. It makes me sad that no one knows who she is and that very few people have seen this movie.

Also on the list are Arsenic and Old Lace, Mallrats, and any cheesy action type movie including James Bond ...yes, even the ones with Timothy Dalton, Indiana Jones and the Rundown, .

Name a performer for whom you suspend all disbelief:

Daniel McIvor. LOVE him!!!!!

Name a work of art you’d like to live with:

Starry Night by Van Gogh. Anything by him really. I think I am attracted to mad genius artists...hmmm...

Name a work of fiction that has penetrated your real life:

Boy's Life by Robert McCammon. I have never been a 12 year old boy, but I am pretty sure if I was, I would have been this kid. This is the only book I have ever read that made me weep at the end, not because it was touching (because seriously, I weep at the drop of a hat), but because it was over and I wouldn't be reading it anymore.

Name a punch line that always makes you laugh:

Mallrats...Brodie, played by Jason Lee, walks directly into a metal beam-totally random.

"Where the hell did that come from? What's going on here?"

It loses something in the translation, but it KILLS me when I see it.

Cultural Cruise (when you return from La La land) and Deep Sioux (assuming THIS will get you blogging again)...you are tagged!

The closet that ate Manhatten

2007-02-19T15:30:00.000-08:00

This weekend the affianced and I cleaned my closet. This is a scary and becoming annual event. It probably should be done monthly, but I think that might kill me.

I am a clothes horse. I am not good at getting rid of clothing that just isn't right any more. The affianced however is BRILLIANT at it and is invaluable in the clothing purging process.

Our system is such:

I sit on the bed and stare at the closet. The affianced pulls out items of clothing and asks a simple "Yes or No?". Based on response, the clothing is placed in a Yes or No pile-yes goes back in the closet, no gets taken to charity. If I say yes and he REALLY hates the item, he raises his eyebrow and I relent and it gets tossed in the no pile. The eyebrow probably works as it makes him look somewhat like my guilty pleasure crush The Rock utilizing the People's Eyebrow. Don't mock me. Watch The Rundown and you will understand. He's also brilliant in Be Cool as a gay actor who sings country music. The movie is not great, but worth it for him.

Seriously...hello!!!

LOVE the red suit!!!

But I digress.

So...we purge using the tried and true method of "yes, no, eyebrow". We then rapidly take the rejected clothing to the closest donation box so I don't get tempted to go through the box and pull out stuff I regret getting rid of. I then reorganize the remaining clothing into a organized fashion and suddenly I have a BEAUTIFUL closet full of clothing that is lovely, as opposed to something akin to Fibber McGee's closet , which is what I had before.

I hate cleaning...I am bad at it and it makes me cranky. I am NOT an organized person by nature, as I have mentioned before. My fiance is AMAZING at it and he is a god when it comes to cleaning. A nice match I think.

As much as I bitched and complained about doing the clothing purge, I am really happy I did it. I feel refreshed and excited-a new closet beginning so to speak. If only doing the cleaning wasn't so agonizing. And, as I see from Hot Lunch, apparently I was doing it for Chinese New Year. Who knew? I was washing away all of my bad clothing luck in preparation for a New Year. Perhaps involving shopping trips to the H&M in Coquitlam? Of course, that'll refill the closet...sigh...

Will this madness ever end?

Greening the planet-Links to love

2007-02-16T09:11:00.000-08:00

In honour of Valentine's week, lets LOVE OUR PLANET!

Here are some great links and resources to help you be more responsible, sustainable, Gore-able, and earth friendly!

Alternative Consumer
The Alternative Consumer is for the next wave of smart consumers … chic, savvy shoppers who want to integrate more “green” into their shopping lives. Promoting cutting-edge design, progressive initiatives and wise alternatives that stimulate a positive impact on the environment — one purchase at a time! This site is great for those who want to make informed buying decisions, and pursue more responsible, eco-conscious lifestyles.

Ready Made Magazine
I love this magazine. All about repurposing those items in your home you just don't know WHAT to do with. One of this month's project is making a coat rack out of wooden hangers. It looks fab and is a great space saver. They provide excellent green resources and really encourage a recycled living attitude. AND encourage you too look hip, fab and stylish while doing it!

Green Communities Canada
Green Communities Canada is a national network of community-based non-profit organizations that deliver innovative environmental programs and services, with a focus on household and community action. Green Communities Canada supports member organizations in working together to achieve environmental sustainability, including healthy ecosystems and communities, sustainable resource use, and clean air, water, and soil.

Green Options
Green Options provides great tips, tools and options for Greening the Good Life. With a blog, discussion forum, Green Life Guide and all the cool swag you can get your hands on that are green, useful and practical! They are an excellent guide through all the green websites and items that have popped up over the years.

David Suzuki Foundation
You can't beat the Doc when it comes to environmental responsibility. This guy ROCKS! This website provides some great tips and tools for being more green in your life. And seriously, if you can EVER go see him speak DO IT! He is a fantastically enigmatic speaker-there is a reason he is in the top ten as the GREATEST CANADIAN (and I still can't believe Don Cherry was on that list...Terry Fox, Tommy Douglas and DON CHERRY? Canadians have some serious hockey issues)!

One Day Vancouver
One Day is a web portal about taking small steps to reduce energy use, at home and on the road, to make Vancouver the cleanest, greenest, healthiest city in the world.

HR MacMillan Space Centre
Okay...I know what you are thinking. HUH? The Space Centre? Thats right...the Space Centre. The Space Centre is moving in a new direction and is looking at how to better "our space in space". The Sustainable Spring Break Event promises to be very cool...I hear rumours of great prizes!

Enjoy! Explore! And give a little bit o' love to that big old globe we call home!

Reading: Sarah Vowell-Assassination Vacation

2007-02-15T14:47:00.000-08:00

I just finished devouring Assassination Vacation by Sarah Vowell. I picked up this book because of a glowing review in Nick Hornby's book Housekeeping Vs the Dirt.

Sarah Vowell is perhaps best known as the voice of Violet Parr from the Pixar animated film, The Incredibles. In addition to having mad voice over skills, she is a incredibly talented author who has published several books and who is a regular contributer to This American Life on NPR.

Vowell is one odd cookie. She is obsessed with death and US History. So of course she wrote a book about the first three US presidential assassinations-Lincoln, Garfield and McKinley- and the obscure facts surrounding them. She is witty, highly irreverent, and fascinated with the minutiae of history.

I knew I would love the book when I read the first line...

Going to Ford's Theatre to watch the play is like going to Hooters for the food.

Vowell takes readers on a pilgrimage to the sites and monuments that pay homage to Lincoln, Garfield and McKinley, visiting everything from grave sites and simple plaques to places like the National Museum of Health and Medicine, where fragments of Lincoln's skull are on display. She talks about not only the figures involved in the assassinations, but the social and political circumstances that led to each-and in a fabulously entertaining manner. She also drew some fascinating connections between past events and the present, noting similarities between McKinley's war against Cuba and the Philippines and the current war in Iraq. History at its best, most educational, and most twisted.

I am a total trivia nerd and retain useless facts that I can spit out at inappropriate times OR when I play Trivial Pursuit type games. This book was a GOLD MINE for me! Did you know that Robert Todd Lincoln, son of Abe, was present at all THREE assassinations? He was a presidential death hex! OR that he saved the life of Edwin Booth, brother of John Wilkes Booth, the man who assassinated Lincoln? OR (and this is my favourite one) that Garfield's assassin , Charles Guiteau, was an occasional member of The Oneida Society . The Oneida Society practiced communalism-free love. Basically, every man was married to every woman. most adults had continuous sexual access to a partner. Guiteau however "was the one guy in a free love commune who could not get laid." hee hee hee.

Three dead presidents up for Assassination Vacation! I can't wait to read her other books!

Emotion of the day-EWWWWWWWWWWWW

2007-02-14T10:57:00.000-08:00

Picture this.

February 14, 2007.

New Westminster.

A tall fluffy blonde girl running up the street to plug her parking meter.

Its raining, but she usually doesn't mind the rain, but she is wearing red fuzzy heart antlers on her head as it is valentines day and she doesn't want them to wilt.

So, she runs.

She is not wearing appropriate shoes for running uphill. This fact alone is not surprising. She is wearing her fantastic new boots from Hush Puppy that she just LOVES thank you very much, but they are certainly not appropriate for running up hill.

But she runs anyhow.

As she approaches the car, she slips and almost takes a header down the hill on her tuckus. She looks down to see what she has slipped on and discovers...

A discarded used condom.

Next to another discarded used condom.

And an unused condom.

In the middle of the sidewalk.

On Begbie St in New Westminster.

Completely in the middle of the sidewalk at 11:00 am on a Wednesday. AND THEY WEREN'T THERE AT 9:00 am EITHER BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE SLIPPED ON THEM THEN!

So they were fresh.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

If I didn't love these boots so much, I would SO burn them!

I used to say that New Westminster is the armpit of British Columbia. I may be wrong with that judgement however. Apparently it may be another body part.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

2007-02-14T09:08:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day dear reader!

I have never been a HUGE fan of Valentine's day. I used to sit in a dark room and watch Mortal Kombat in honour of it. Until recently, I never had a successful Valentine's day, and the affianced and I don't make a big deal of it. I do like all the chocolate however. I feel sad that V-Day has become a massive day of consumerism and pressure as opposed to celebrating something pure and beautiful.

So today...do something different...

Celebrate today NOT as the Hallmark inflicted holiday that it has become, but as a day of LOVE!! Love of your neighbour, your friend, your grocer, your butcher, your parking attendant...

Today should not be a day just about couples, lovers and mushy hearts and flowers, but a day about friendship and kindness!

Celebrate today as a day to smile at strangers, give a loonie to the homeless guy holding the door open for you, donate five dollars to your favourite charity!

Celebrate today as a day to tell someone...anyone... your friend, your father, your mother, your brother-in-law, your lover...that you love them!

Celebrate today as a reminder of Love...the greatest gift of all!

Better late Hoff than Never

2007-02-12T09:44:00.000-08:00

This weekend was filled with wedding adventures (I may have found THE dress! WOO HOO!), so I did not have time to post my Hoff of the weekend.

I feel bad.

I give you...
vintage Hoff...

Web adventures for the week

2007-02-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

Its the most Fridayish Friday EVER! I have a cold, I am having a REALLY bad hair day, and I so don't want to work.

So...lets explore that wild and wacky world wide web!

Dance Sister Dance
You can star in your OWN Scissor Sisters Video! Add a picture of yourself, choose the outfit and accessories and there you go! OH THE FUN TO BE HAD!!!

Ian's Shoelace Site
I really don't understand this. Its an entire site dedicated to tying shoelaces. This confuses me to no end. I thought a shoelace was just a shoelace. I am most concerned. But it gets worse...

Snkr Frkr Magazine
Another site dedicated to shoelaces and the sneakers that hold them. The owner of this site interviews sneaker customizers and gives mad shout outs to "Professor Shoelace", whom I have linked to above. I don't understand any of this.

Things My Boyfriend Says
The affianced and I want to hang out with this couple. They are eerily similar to us. They may be the pint sized version of us on the other side of the country. I think its the French Canadian male thing-odd perverse senses of humour and fear of spiders.
I quote from her site...this conversation could have happened in my home...

me: I think it's funny and cute that I get into bed and put my cold feet on you to warm them up and you frown but you don't say anything.
e: That's because I'm busy thinking loudly about hating you

Save the Ta-Tas
My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years ago-and she kicked its ass I am proud to say. Because of this, I have become alarmingly aware of all breast cancer related merchandise and feel the need to purchase it instantly. It is only through sheer power of will and fear that my affianced may kill me if I bring home any more chatckes that I restrain.

I am shocked and appalled that I didn't find these t-shirts sooner. I would have worn one CONSTANTLY during mom's surgery and treatment and at all of her Dragon Boating events (and yes, if you go to the site, you will notice that my mother and all of her boating buddies will be in a feature film. How cool is THAT?). Five percent of EVERY sale goes toward breast cancer research. AND they have shirts for boys too! WOO HOO!

The germs of evil

2007-02-08T14:49:00.000-08:00

After months of valiant fighting from my immune system soldiers, the tiny little bacterium have submitted to the stronger foe. Scratchy throat, sniffy nose, swollen glands and achy joints have indicated that the battle has been lost.

I have succumbed to the germ monster.
I made it through the death flu of December, the plague of November and the snottastic extravaganza that was October. My co-worker works with small children, and she CONSTANTLY brings in new and exciting viruses to expose me to.

I have fought them all and won.

Sinus infections-HA!

Bronchitis-I laugh at you!

But this morning, I woke up the scourge of them all.

The common cold.

I am an AWFUL patient. I have been whining non stop since this morning. Its just a cold...and not even a particularly bad one, but still...WHY ME??? I demand sympathy from all around me.

I am usually a bit of a "boy" when it comes to things like this, to paint the planet with a stereotypical blue brush. If my leg were to be severed, I would proclaim loudly, somewhat like the black knight in Monty Python, "It's just a flesh wound!". Torn calf muscles and ankle surgeries mean NOTHING to me! I got my tonsils removed and did a play two days later. Pain? BAH!

But if I catch a COLD...I don't want to leave the house. I almost asked my fiance to stay home with me today to feed me soup.

sniff...

sniff....

i'm pathetic

J'aime la pluie!

2007-02-07T09:08:00.000-08:00

This morning, I got caught in the rain. It wasn't a heavy rain, but I had left 3 umbrellas at work(yup...3. Is it any wonder I lose my keys on a regular basis?) and I didn't want to take the remaining one from home. So I got sprinkled on. Thankfully, my hair is up or I would look like the Bride of Frankenstein.
(Those of you with straight hair don't understand this concept, but those of us with a curly head of hair know that rain or humidity on un-prepared hair equals frizz city...)

Anyhow, I was being rained on, and I wasn't upset. In fact, I quite enjoyed it.

I love the rain!

I love the way it makes everything smell and look clean, I love the fact that it makes plants happy and shiny. I try not to think about the concept of "acid rain" and what IT is doing to my frizzy hair.

A classmate at University and I used to love going for long walks to local coffee shops in the rain and arriving soaking wet. No umbrellas were EVER used. In fact, it has only been since I have been working in a job where looking put together and not wet is important that I have started taking an umbrella to work. I really enjoy walking in the rain and getting drenched-providing I don't have to be anywhere other than my couch with hot chocolate after.

Sure, there are times, usually when I am driving, that I curse the infernal stuff. But generally, I am quite fond of the rain.

I think in order to survive as a West Coaster, one must develop a healthy respect for, if not a love of rain. After all, we get enough of it.

I am particularly fond of it today because of what it is doing to the streets around where I work.

Its cleaning them.

New Westminster is...well...yucky. Yes, it used to be the capital city of this fair province, and the buildings are beautiful, but in the last few years, New Westminster has plummeted downhill. The streets are nasty, the buildings are drab and the general feel of it is...well...yucky. It even smells bad-lately, Downtown New Westminster has smelled like burnt dust. Yes, I know, that is an oddly specific odour, but that is EXACTLY what it has smelled like!

Now it just smells clean and shiny.

I can see the beauty of the city-the architecture, the beautiful river, the history. No longer does it look like a discarded Kleenex. I can see a hint of its former grandeur, reflected in the shiny streets and sidewalks. I see its potential, what it is struggling to become again.

I love the rain.

First there was Intelligent Design...

2007-02-06T14:46:00.000-08:00

Props to Defective Yeti...

Fashion or Death (apologies to Eddie Izzard)

2007-02-06T09:42:00.000-08:00

I like to see myself as a reasonably stylish individual. I know what I look good in, and have my own sense of style-reasonably current with a "soupcon" of...well...me. Curvy may be coming back in style (bless you America Ferrera et al), but I'll be damned if I will wear those freaking skinny jeans or anything else of that ilk. For me, the short-short skirt was something I wore in grade 9 when I wasn't dressed in all black in honour of my lost youth (I had dark moments in grade 9. Most of them because of a tragic hair cut, but I digress).

I am not a huge fan of trends. I am suspicious that many of them are a joke (like the return of legwarmers)

So today, I would like to comment on some of today's fashion choices by people who are slaves to fashion.

I am not talking about movies stars etc. They are blinded by their popularity and assume that they can do whatever they want BECAUSE they are famous. Case in point...the Olsen twins. I am sure they KNOW that they look ridiculous. How can they not?

Ladies-buy a mirror and a eat burger or 80. Do us all a favour.

And take a look at Bridgitte Neilson and Flava Flav...I know its hard...
Blinded by their own questionable celebrity, they make questionable choices. I do wish they would stay inside though...

I digress again.

Today I speak of the tragic fashion choices of the general public. People who own mirrors and are not flocked by paparazzi or stylists telling them how to dress.

These people SHOULD know better!

Case and point-this morning.

It was chilly and damp. I was bundled up in a down vest, scarf, a long sleeved shirt, jeans and boots. I was cold. As I was walking briskly up the stairs to the skytrain, I noted I was following a woman who is my age wearing a wispy blouse, some kind of strange contraption that resembled a coat, a short crocheted black skirt (shudder), small pink underwear (yup...the skirt was THAT short and I was walking behind her. I did NOT need to see that), knee highed pink socks (shudder again) and Ugg boots. The ONLY item of winter apparel this woman was wearing was the heinous boots. What was WRONG with her? Who doesn't wear tights or some kind of leg covering in the winter? And UGG BOOTS? WHY??? Whomever decided that UGG boots were a stylish fashion choice needs to be hoisted on their own petard. Immediately. This woman was carrying a briefcase of some kind, so was heading to work I assume, and that work was probably NOT on a street corner, so WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY??? My guess is she saw it in a magazine so assumed it was appropriate outside the pages of Vogue or W. Its not.

It upsets me deeply as you can tell...

Oh Stacey and Clinton...where are you when we need you???

Barenaked Ladies are Men who care about our planet!

2007-02-05T14:40:00.000-08:00

On Saturday night, the affianced, one of the bridesmaids (who may be the world's biggest BNL fan) and I went to the Barenaked Ladies concert promoting their new albums "Barenaked Ladies are Me" and "Barenaked Ladies are Men" at GM place.

As expected, a FANTASTIC show

In my humble opinion, the BNL put on one of the best shows out there. I realize that at this present time, Hot Lunch is hyperventilating and screaming... WHAT ABOUT MADONNA??? Fine...I know Madonna puts on a mean show, but for me, the Ladies rock the house.

What's not to love? Humour, FAB Canadian band, good music, and a rap about bald roadies. How fun is that???

One of the best things about this fab show was learning about Barenaked Planet, which is not a place to hang out with naked rock stars as I first suspected (which would TOTALLY rock, especially if Jon Bon Jovi was there. Go on...deny that he's sexy. I dare you.)
ANYHOW...Barenaked Planet is the Barenaked Ladies' way of communicating to the general public about environmental and social issues that have become increasingly important to them.

On this tour, the BNL were committed to several different "greening the tour" mechanisms including:

Tour buses are fueled with biodiesel
Offsetting the energy used at each show with wind power
Recycling and using compostable materials backstage
Inviting local and national groups to be a part of Barenaked Planet so that fans at each venue can learn about issues in their area and get engaged

At work the other day, I was discussing with a few coworkers about how people can lessen their environmental impact. The recent report from the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change has gotten people talking about what they can do to help prevent climate change, which is great! Their argument was that it costs money to be more responsible (ie recycled paper is more, hybrid vehicles are more etc etc). I'm not so sure about that argument-there are ways to adapt if you are truly serious about making a positive impact that can SAVE you money (ie. Public Transit if accessible)-but to each their own.

In honour of that, I am going post the David Suzuki Foundation's 10 most effective ways to help conserve nature and improve our quality of life. Some of these are SUPER easy and hey...we only have one planet!!!

Reduce home energy by 10%
Eat meat-free meals once a week
Buy a fuel efficient, low-polluting car
Choose an energy efficient home and appliances
Stop using pesticides
Walk, bike or take transit to regular destinations
Prepare your meals with locally produced food
Choose a home close to regular destinations
Support alternatives to the car
Get involved, stay informed

So get out there and GO GREEN! Make the Barenaked Ladies proud!!!!

All Hoff...all the time

2007-02-03T08:10:00.000-08:00

Hoffy Saturday!

I am overjoyed by this one...overjoyed.

I may have outdone myself...

I give you...Secret Agent Man

Stage fright?

2007-02-02T09:31:00.000-08:00

There are a few auditions on the horizon, and I'm a wee bit nervous.

Its been awhile since I have done an open audition for theatre. The last few productions I have been involved with, I have been cast because the director knew my work and wanted me in the show. All other theatre auditions have been because I have been brought in to audition for a specific role, but the open audition is a whole other animal. The unknown can be exciting, but I am still unusually nervous. I never really feel any nerves with film auditions because it is such a silly process, and half the time I walk in KNOWING I am so wrong for the role and just happy I get to see a new casting director.

I don't have a lot of interest in the shows that I will be auditioning for. I think I am doing the audition more to prove to myself that I can still do this. That I still have "the chops".

More than anything, I think I want to do my own thing. Work with people I know and respect to create something magical. Not necessarily something I have written, but something that is exciting! One of the things I have really missed about acting is the sense of family you get when in a really great show. (I haven't missed the sense of nausea you get from being in a really bad show. And I have been in SEVERAL of those. I even wore a hockey helmet in one. If ANYONE tells you to go see the show Haiku...run away...run far far far away.)

So it looks like I'm going to have to get off my tukkus and look at doing some producing as well. The affianced and I are off to see The Producers when it comes to town. Maybe I'll get some inspiration from that.

I wonder if I can get the rights for "Springtime for Hitler"?