Monday, August 13, 2007

Why did you do this to me?

This past Saturday, I had a stagette thrown at me. No, it wasn't thrown for me, it was thrown at.

I had an AMAZING time! It was a magnificent all day affair that went a little like this...

at 13 hundred hours, Cultural Cruise showed up at my door step to give me my mission. A DVD was played showing that my FABULOUS fiancee is, in fact, an alien and I had to complete FOUR tasks in order to allow him to stay on the planet and NOT be incinerated (yes, sounds confusing. It was a bit, but thankfully, I had instructions). I was then given a VERY attractive headband with antenna on it that I had to wear on the skytrain downtown. Where we met another reveller and walked down Robson. With me wearing my antenna. Where we met someone else, then headed up to Davie St (me still wearing my antenna I would like to point out) to pick up two more ladies and meet at the Fountainhead. Where I started drinking. THIS may have been my first error. The Fountainhead makes a mean cocksucking cowboy shot if anyone is interested by the way. I also discovered that the way to free drinks is to say "But I'm on my stagette!!!"

We then walked across the street to...wait for it...POLE DANCING CLASSES! HOW FUN IS THAT?

Alarmingly good exercise, and the instructor was HOT. She did things on that pole that I have only heard rumours of. My arms still hurt, and I have major bruises on my thighs from attempting "the fireman's spin". SUPER fun though and a few of us will be returning to take classes as it was great exercise! I also learnt a lap dance that I will NEVER be performing for my fiancee (sorry baby) because its just far too silly. I also had some drinks.

After the dancing, we retired to one of the girl's homes for more drinking (oy), snacks and time for me to do a quiz on my spouse to be. Who knew he liked cantaloupe? I always thought he was more of a watermelon man! I passed, thank god, so SAVED HIS LIFE!! YAY ME!!!!

We headed off to one of my favourite restaurants, Hapa Izakaya for some Ebi Mayo, Om Rice and...well...Sake (oy). Dinner was marvy, and then OFF WE WENT to Doolins Irish Pub, or as I now know it, the place with that made me barf. Alot.

Doolins wasn't too packed, but we made our own fun. There were a few stagettes there (but mine had WAY hotter women! WOO HOO! My friends are FIERCE!) and one stag and people kept plying me with drinks. I just don't know where they came from. And I think I met a fighter pilot. And I think he grabbed my ass. He offered to show me his plane, but I told him I was taken...and then he bought me a drink.

The evening ended for me when my maid of honour and my fiance's groomswoman found me coming out of the men's washroom talking (or trying to talk because he WOULDN'T ANSWER THE PHONE) to my fiancee. They decided it was time for me to leave. But NOT UNTIL I drank:
One Prairie Fire shot (ewwwwwwww)
One blow job (yah...lets just imagine how well the whipping cream mixed with the tequila and hot sauce)
Three mystery shots

They tossed me in a cab and OFF WE WENT to my ride home. Apparently I then fell out of the cab. I don't remember this. I do remember getting in the car though and not feeling really good and saying the now "patented sasskitty line" that I said about 87 times on the way home...

"Why did you DO this to me?"

And then proceeding to throw up. And I didn't get the door open as much as I thought I did. And I think I threw up on a drag queen because I threw up all over Davie St. And then made the person driving me home stop at the bottom of the viaduct so I could throw up again.

"Why did you DO this to me?"

Then we dropped off my maid of honour, and I hung out of the car at her house and threw up on her lawn. Then we drove another friend home, but I don't think I threw up on her. Then we drove me home.

"Why did you DO this to me?"

I fell out of the car and informed my lovely driver that I would sleep there thank you. But she made me go upstairs. Where I informed her I wanted to sleep in my front hallway. Or my dining room. But not the couch or the bed. I think it took her 25 minutes to get me on the couch. THANK YOU!! THANK YOU THANK YOU!

I woke up at 5, consumed 4 tylenol, drank 8 litres of water and fell into bed. Woke up at 8 because I had a HAIR APPOINTMENT ON SUNDAY (note to all future brides. NEVER book a hair appointment the day after your stagette! NEVER!). I lay in the bath for 2 hours trying to get rid of the smell of bar, barf and tequila.

Dinner that night (because breakfast and lunch were WAY OUT OF THE QUESTION) was the greasiest chinese food I could find. All hail Mr Ho's chicken chow mein.

All in all, I had an AMAZING time (except for all the barfing). To anyone that was thrown up on by a strange blonde woman in a blue mini on Saturday who was yelling "Why did you do this to me?"...I apologize. Please don't hesitate to send me your cleaning bill...

On a plus side, I think I lost that pesky 10 lbs I have been trying to get rid of...


hot-lunch said...

that sounds AWESOME!! It also sounds like a LOT of vomit!! wow!!

i'm so sorry i missed it! i did a pole dance in Seattle in your honour though!

culturalcruise said...

Some of our best work!!!!!
Mission Accomplished!

matty said...

Oh my God!

...I think you are now a married woman!!!!


Trying to throw some flower petals your way from GayTown!

Hope you're off on your honeymoon having lots of fun and way great sex!!!!