Happy anniversary to me

A year ago (almost) I started this blog with the intention of writing more, expressing myself, doing something creative and bringing light to the world.

pause for the chorous of angels.

As of late, I have been EXTREMELY lax in my blogging. I could come up with a variety of exciting excuses...but alas, it just comes down to being VERY VERY LAZY!

yes, its sad.

But NO MORE!

I will be better now that the year has started and I am newly motivated!

I will blog about the adventures I have on BC Transit like this morning when I was hit on by a REALLY cute 21 year old med student on the bus on the way to work. Did I mention he was REALLY cute? However, I became SO distracted by the fact that I "still have it" (YAY ME) that I missed my stop and had to walk an extra 10 blocks to work in the rain.

pause as my husband falls over in hysterical laughter at what a dork his wife is.

I will blog about my love for my job. Seriously. I LOVE MY JOB!

I will blog about new exciting shows like the RETURN OF AMERICAN GLADIATORS which has me embarrassingly excited.

I will NOT blog about the fact that I am doing a cleanse again. And that I am REALLY craving cheese and I am only on day three.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I WILL blog about the fact that I am in a show! YAY ME! I am doing the Vagina Monologues at the Red Robinson Show Theatre in Coquitlam on March 1! SNAP!

I will blog about the rehearsal process of the aforementioned show including my experience with the "make your own vagina" craft project that I will be participating in this coming Sunday.

no, I did not make that up.

And SO MUCH MORE!

The spirit has moved me...and has me moving FAST baby!

Dancing on the Edge of Insanity

Last night I went to see Nick and Juanita by Tara Cheyenne at the Dancing on the Edge Festival. AMAZING! I may be slightly biased as I know Tara and think she rocks, but her performance was one of the best I have seen in years. She combines Dance and Theatre effortlessly and seamlessly so that a "theatre snob" like me would go and say "wow, what a great theatre piece" and a "dance snob" would go and say "wow, what a great dance piece". Sadly, this is her last performance here, but she will be performing it again soon I am sure, and a tour is planned. If EVER you see a poster for one of her performances (last year's bANGER was phenomenal) GO SEE IT!!!

Prior to the show, I saw an actress I had been in a show with about 5 years previously. I shall call her PumpKin.

Below follows our interaction...

I am on the phone. PumpKin waves and smiles. I get off the phone and walks up to PumpKin to be friendly.

SK: "HI PumpKin! Great to see you" (I do NOT move in for a hug as I hate the whole 'all actors must hug all the time thing').

PK: "OH MY GOD! ITS YOU!" and leaps on me for a hug. Note...she does not use my name as it is obvious she does not remember my name. I see her at least twice a year.

PK: "SO...what are you doing? What have you been up to? Are you not LOVING this festival? Have you been to lots?"

SK: "Um...well...this is my first show. I know Tara. How about you?"

PK: "Well, I am embarrassed to admit that this is my first show too, but I am sure it will be FANTASTIC! So...what are you doing?

SK: "Well...um...some acting. I am the Executive Director of a small non profit that provides support to children with disabilities and I..."

PK: "OHMYGOD! That is so great? Do you love it? I know you must love it! Do you love it?"

SK: "Uh...sure...its...um...not really what i set out to do, but it works for now. How about you?"

PK: "Oh...well...I am STILL acting-feast or famine you know...I am doing a little thing here and then am off to rehearsals in Calgary. And then...well...who knows. Right? Am I right? Sometimes I wish I had made a choice like you, but I just can't, you know?"

SK: "Ur...um" At which point I punch her in the throat.

Okay, I didn't. But I REALLY wanted to. REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to.

Actors are dorks. They all need to be hoisted on their own petard. Seriously. Where does she get off. SHE is still acting....grrrrr...I really should have gone for the throat punch. Sigh...my chosen profession is filled with self centred morons. THIS may be why I took the break...i knew there was a good reason.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Seriously?

Last night I came upon "Dodgeball" on TV. This movie makes me so happy as its just so...well...stupid, but in a good way.

I appreciate how the actors FLING themselves into their roles and are obviously having a great time with their performances. Jason Bateman kills me in this movie, William Shatner rocks my socks and David Hasslehoff in his cameo as the German Dodgeball Coach is magic.

I think the best thing about it is that NONE of the actors in the movie are taking themselves seriously. Bill and Dave know that they are taking the shit out of themselves with their performances, and they are embracing it. Yes, they may not be the next Robert DeNiro (who REALLY needs to find a good movie to be in-I have high hopes for Stardust, but Bobby D has NOT been choosing well at all!), but they certainly have a good time and understand that they are entertainers, not brain surgeons.

I had an audition this weekend for Zastrozzi, which is one of my favourite plays. I trudged through the rain, sleet and generally NASTY Vancouver weather to reach the audition. It was in a fabulous little studio space in Gastown-I never knew it was there, but how GREAT it was!

I was greeted by a myriad of "actors". Oh how I HATE "actors". Men in cropped Lululemon pants and skin tight shirts hyperventilating and expressing how they are having problems "dropping in their breath". Women looking self important and screeching "mee mee mee" at the top of their lungs. Most of them looking like they were about to participate in the MOST important thing EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!!!!! Because they are ACTORS! Serious bastards...

And the accents...whoa the accents.

Zastrozzi is subtitled "the master discipline" and it takes place in Europe. Apparently this subtitle gives people free reign to expound in bad accents in order to get into character. Specifically, Russian accents. Apparently being a master of discipline means you are Russian. Even though Zastrozzi is German.

Dear god in heaven.

I'll admit...I need to warm up more before auditions/performances etc. I am not as young as I used to be, and my body IS my tool, so I should respect it more. But I also do this because I enjoy it-its fun, I'm good at it, and I love being the centre of attention. Yes, some actors don't like that last part, but for the most part, we are all attention grabbing sluts who get off on being on centre stage (or in a close up shot or whatever). The amount of actors who think that they are "the shit" however astounds me. The belief that they are acting as a service to the planet, because they are better than the rest of the plebs in the world is prevalent and alarming to me.

A memo to all actors out there!

We are being paid to play make believe. ITS FUN! ENJOY IT! REVEL IN IT! You are an actor-the best job in the world. HOWEVER when you act like a poncy actor, you look like an idiot and guaranteed there is someone in the room-a fellow actor perhaps- perhaps a blonde one snorting behind her hand-that wants to beat you to death with Uta Hagen.

That is all.

Stage fright?

There are a few auditions on the horizon, and I'm a wee bit nervous.

Its been awhile since I have done an open audition for theatre. The last few productions I have been involved with, I have been cast because the director knew my work and wanted me in the show. All other theatre auditions have been because I have been brought in to audition for a specific role, but the open audition is a whole other animal. The unknown can be exciting, but I am still unusually nervous. I never really feel any nerves with film auditions because it is such a silly process, and half the time I walk in KNOWING I am so wrong for the role and just happy I get to see a new casting director.

I don't have a lot of interest in the shows that I will be auditioning for. I think I am doing the audition more to prove to myself that I can still do this. That I still have "the chops".

More than anything, I think I want to do my own thing. Work with people I know and respect to create something magical. Not necessarily something I have written, but something that is exciting! One of the things I have really missed about acting is the sense of family you get when in a really great show. (I haven't missed the sense of nausea you get from being in a really bad show. And I have been in SEVERAL of those. I even wore a hockey helmet in one. If ANYONE tells you to go see the show Haiku...run away...run far far far away.)

So it looks like I'm going to have to get off my tukkus and look at doing some producing as well. The affianced and I are off to see The Producers when it comes to town. Maybe I'll get some inspiration from that.

I wonder if I can get the rights for "Springtime for Hitler"?

John Cusack rocks my world

I love John Cusack.

I have heard John Cusack described as "the thinking woman's Brad Pitt". I don't know that I would go THAT far (come one...Brad Pitt in "Mr. and Mrs. Smith? RRROWR!!"), but I do think he is QUITE fantastic and sexy. I see movies simply BECAUSE of John Cusack (America's Sweethearts anyone?)

What's not to love? Lloyd Dobbler...In your eyes...Say Anything? One of the greatest moments in movie history, and it just would NOT have been the same without John Cusack.

The affianced and I saw a John Cusack movie on our second date in fact. Being John Malcovich-yes, a really odd choice for a date movie, but I think it set the right tone for our relationship.

This morning while getting ready, I chanced upon Must Love Dogs starring...you guessed it...John Cusack. Also in the movie are Diane Lane (she is fantastic and gets more gorgeous all the time! you GO girl!), Christopher Plumber, Dermot Mulroney, Elizabeth Perkins and Stockard Channing.

I was totally hooked! It was funny, endearing, and...well...had John Cusack! I'll admit...I am a total sucker for romantic comedies, so I had a bias, but this one was really enjoyable. I'll have to watch the whole movie as opposed to random bits. Not the typical romantic comedy either...actually reasonably intelligent, and even the dogs are cute.

I have decided that over the next few months watch Cusack's entire oeuvre in order...which means I need to start with Class, starring Rob Lowe and Andrew McCarthy, but hey...could be fun in a retro, vintage kind of way, right? The fiance is off to the sunshine coast for a few days in March. Maybe I'll watch them all then. Anyone up for a Cusack slumber party?

In honour of Johnny boy, I completed the quiz below. The results are not that surprising considering he's playing a character created by Nick Hornby. And I DO have a kick ass record collection. And alot of mixed tapes (which are CD's now, but who's counting).


Which John Cusack Are You?

To be...or not to be...

This past weekend I worked an event for my fiance, who is an event planner. It was a fascinating experience watching the attendees of this event who ranged from blue collar to stockbroker to old money with trophy wife. I saw an assortment of fake breasts like I have never seen and outfits that left me stunned for both good and bad reasons (note to readers. If you are wearing a shiny purple dress with a low back, DO NOT under any circumstances wear a white cotton high rise thong.)

Running a portion of the event was a local actor whom I have never liked. I have always thought of him as a pretentious git-egotistical, vain, self important blah blah blah. Even speaks with a fake English accent (oy!). He has always been one of those people I avoid at local theatre networking events for fear that I may snap and stab him in the eye. (stab stab stab) I have never been good at these events. Generally, I feel comfortable around other "actors" due to illusions of grandeur and ignorance of the real world. My friends that are actors all have outside interests and capabilities, making them well rounded individuals-a trait that I feel is essential to BE an actor! But I digress...

When I arrived at the event, I saw him holding court in the corner. He was wearing sunglasses INDOORS, and apparently had been doing so all day. He had blonde hair, which was a new affectation, and he was waving his arms like a deranged duck.

He wandered over and informed us all that he was off to put on his monkey suit...then he flounced away.

I was NOT looking forward to this.

Upon his return, I got a closer look at him. His blonde hair was, in fact, fake. FAKE! THE MAN HAD A WEAVE! I was overjoyed with glee. He was also obviously wearing make up. I relished in his obvious attempts to appear younger and more successful. He looked like the idiot I ALWAYS knew he was! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

As the evening went on, I started to feel guilty for enjoying his distress. His tux looked like it had come from the costume shop of a local theatre...buttons were missing from the vest and the pants didn't quite match the tails. There were makeup stains on his collar and his cuffs and overall, he was just trying too hard. He was the epitome of the fallen actor.

Unfortunately, many in my chosen profession (although I love my job, my CHOSEN profession is not chasing money and running a small non profit) end up this way. I spent years defending myself, saying I wasn't selling out because I had a stable job/income/career outside of acting. I enjoyed a regular pay cheque, and REALLY have never enjoyed the struggle that generally comes with trying to make a living as an actor. Years later, I am now watching as these people that I defended myself to are falling apart because they have not been successful and they have nothing else they can do. It makes me sad. And, oddly, inspired.

So today, I am picking up the phone and I am booking two auditions for myself. I haven't auditioned in over a year, and I am missing it. Missing the theatre. Missing acting. Sure, its not like I don't have ENOUGH to do this year (wedding...job...world peace...blah blah blah), but I think its time to hit the boards again. And make sure I don't become like our friend in the tux-with a bad weave desperately trying to convince everyone around me that I am someone I am not.

I am actor/non-profit goddess/writer/goofball. Hear me roar.

Edited to add...Sources have informed me that the actor in question above may have SHAVED HIS HEAD FOR A ROLE! Which means...I HAVE NO MORE SYMPATHY! TOTAL GIT! git git git. pretentious git...wore a WIG because he was TOO VAIN TO BE BALD! stab. git. stab.

SQUEEEZE the lemon!

When I was at theatre school my professors ranged from the ridiculous to the sublime. Far out on the ridiculous scale was one that I called "Ol' Crotch Beard" or OCB (kind of like Ol' Dirty Bastard, or ODB, but without the jail time...and...well... the deadness). Actually, it wasn't just me who called him that. We all did, as...well...his beard smelled...kind of like one would think an old crotch would. Gross, but accurate. I defy ANY of you to get that thought out of your head today.

ANYHOOOOO, OCB was very British and used to regale us with stories of his youth when he attended Bristol Old Vic back in the day. He would huff and puff, call us all "gorgeous" and "dear heart" while scratching his elbow and looking wise. He wore a mysterious and mystical avocado pit around his neck and would profess words of obscure theatrical wisdom to us that haunt me to this day.

One of the stories he told us was of his voice teacher Ol' German Guy, or OGG. OGG instructed his students that when performing on stage, they needed to imagine that they were holding a lemon between their ass cheeks, and if they needed an extra burst of energy, volume or "je ne sais quoi" they needed to...(imagine OCB, very British, screaming in a german accent)...

SQVEEZE ZEE LEMON!

Apparently, pouty squinty face here had the same prof!
Shout out to Go Fug Yourself for the brilliant commentary on Renee's alarming face.