A whole new world

I am the goddess of transit.

I can now tell you in no uncertain terms the 7 different reliable ways that will get you from the Edmonds area in Burnaby 4th and Burrard. I can tell you which routes have the best bus drivers (the 84 UBC all the way) and what routes will have the most angry people (the 7 Powell at 5:00 pm is alarming).

I can also tell you what classes where all the med students live (Robson and Burrard), where the rude people live (near Granville Island) and the music choices of the transit travelller on which route (the 44 UBC appeals to the Christian Rock listener while the 84 UBC has a fair amount of emo).

Its a whole new adventure for me! A world of new people to watch!

HOORAY!

Miss Manner's Guide to Tranist Chapter 3

A letter to the beer drinking troglodyte on the 5:35 pm skytrain on September 26, 2007. (The teenage girls got away with being obnoxious this time because this guy was SIMPLY UNBELIEVABLE! But be warned girls-I am on this train for 3 more weeks and I will be watching you)
Dear sir,

I appreciate that the New Westminster Skytrain station is connected to a bar called Scruffy McGuire's (no, I am not making this up. I wish I was). I appreciate that sometimes after a hard day of...well...whatever it is you do, you sometimes need a beer to wash the cares away. I will be honest with you sir. As of late, as the end of my hated job approaches and my employers mutate further into assholeness, I have been known to have a snort of rum with my diet coke. I am not above that in the slightest. Sometimes it just needs to be done.

I do, however, understand that there are certain things that are not done in public due to COMMON DECENCY. Like belching SO LOUDLY that your fellow commuters think there is an earthquake or the construction site next door is collapsing.

Note: At this point my husband is yelling and pointing at the computer because I once inadvertently burped loudly when we were in a store and blamed him. It only happened once though. And it was in Gibson's Landing, home of the Beachcombers so how bad could it be. And it wasn't THAT loud. But I digress.

Now sir, if you ARE going to belch that loudly, you must do two things:

1. Say excuse me FOR GOD'S SAKE! Were you born in a BARN?
2. When a blonde girl wearing a FIERCE white leather jacket with great new hair (I got a new haircut that I LOVE LOVE LOVE! Victor-you are a genius) looks your way inquisitively, DON'T yell at her and say "What the fuck are YOU looking at bitch". You KNOW what she is looking at. SHE IS LOOKING AT YOUR UGLY BELCHING FACE!!!!

Sorry about that...that was a bit violent.

Now sir, one belch could be almost forgivable. Even if it was the loudest thing ever. In the history of belching. And believe me, I have heard some loud ones. I play football. I know of what I speak.

However, if you follow that belch up with one that is EVEN LOUDER and LONGER than EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE, you MUST expect a reaction from your fellow commuters.

Like the little old lady that shrieked and ran toward me. In a panic. I don't know what she thought I was going to do to protect her from the angry gas man, but I was ready.

And if you RESPOND to that reaction by CHASING HER and belching AGAIN, you must expect people to respond negatively. Like moving away from you rapidly and contacting the skytrain police. (Who of course never got there because they were rousting tourists who didn't pay enough train fare. Because cheap tourists are a scourge...as opposed to angry gassy psychopaths. Come on people...get your priorities straight.)

AND THEN when the train arrives, and you BELCH on to your train car of choice, do not be surprised when your fellow commuters flee out of the train.

AND FINALLY...please do not be encouraged by the reaction you got from the one, fellow beer drinking commuter on your train. Which was...of course...

"Dude! That was AWESOME!"

Sigh...

Signed,

Blonde in fierce white leather jacket on behalf of...well...the world

There is a part of me that is going to miss these daily interactions with my fellow commuters as I will be working near Granville Island as opposed to near the dead pigeon on the corner (I am not making this up-a pigeon expired as I was walking by it a few weeks ago. It fell over and blood oozed out of its head. I cannot get out of here fast enough).

The part of me that will miss these interactions is very small however. Very very small.

RIP pigeon-we hardly knew you.

Miss Manner's guide to tranist Chapter 2

A further letter to the girls on the skytrain,


Dear dancing fools,

I understand that you are young and exuberant. Good on you. Get it out of your system now, because trust me, when you creep into your thirties, you will decide that morning calisthenics are a colossal waste of time that can be better spent mainlining coffee. Or sleeping.

While I appreciate your exuberance, I DO NOT under any circumstances appreciate your dance routines with accompanying singing performed in the middle of the skytrain at 8:15 am.

Especially when it is line dancing.

I was quite confused by your choice of dancing. And singing. If you can call it singing. None of you are Beyonce, let me tell you. Your singing was alarming-even for country music. No matter how loud I turned up my "ican'tbelieveitssosmall" player and the kick ass tones of Serena Ryder, I could STILL hear you all screeching Kenny Chesney. I think it was Kenny Chesney. At least, that's what you all kept yelling.

You just don't LOOK like country music fans. From the 2 foot high mohawk to the endless belly button exposure, none of you were overly "country". Or wholesome. Or clean. But I digress.

My point, through all this rambling, is that your fellow commuters, and there were many of us and we ALL looked unhappy about the scene you were creating, don't need or want to see or hear you. You suck at dancing, you suck at singing, and you all have the fashion sense of...well...I don't know. I was just too freaking tired to come up with an appropriate metaphor for your fashion sense because it was EIGHT FIFTEEN AM! Not early by most standards, but early by mine. Lets just say it sucked too and be done with it.

I understand that you are teenagers and come with a predisposed "dude, I SO don't care what you think about me...well really I do, but I don't want YOU to know that" attitude and you feel that that attitude gives you the right to inflict your horrid performance on the rest of us. Twerps.

I place a curse on you, you acne ladened little beasties. One day, one fateful day, you too will be old like me and you will be on some form of rapid transit and an offensive little trog of a teenager will do something loud, heinous and obnoxious infront of you and suddenly, you will be overwhelmed with embarrassment because you will realize that you were once one of them. One of those odious, obnoxious, LOUD scourges of humanity. That embarrassment will haunt you the rest of your days, causing you endless grief and torment.

mwa ha ha ha ha...

Signed,
The angry blonde in the back seat, on behalf of the 8:15 Edmonds to New West skytrain.

perhaps I should drink more coffee in the mornings. maybe that would prevent outbursts like these...

I am SO not making this up...

Overheard in the office next to me...

V: T! My computer won't work. Why won't my computer work?

T: (joking) Have you turned it on?

*pause*

V: Never mind.

Oh

My

God

Overheard- Skytrain conversations...

Young meathead yelling on cell phone...

"Hey! Is J-dog there? I want to know if he's going to the gym. If he's going to the gym, I'll go to the gym later, but if he's not going to the gym I'll go to the gym now and then see him later. Is he going to the gym? I want to know if he's going to the gym. You don't know if he's going to the gym? Can you ask him if he's going to the gym? Is he there?"

pause...

"DUDE! Are you going to the gym? If you are going to the gym, I'll go to the gym later, but if you aren't going to the gym, I'll go to the gym now and then come by your place later. Are you going to the gym? I really need to go to the gym. You aren't going to the gym?Okay, I'll go to the gym now, and then come by your place later. Cool? Dude. Okay, I'm going to the gym. No, I'm not at the gym, I'm on the skytrain, but I am going to the gym. Dude. Cool. Later dog."

dude...