Friday, September 28, 2007


Tim: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Dr. Alan Grant: I don't know.
Tim: A Do-you-think-he-saurus.
Dr. Alan Grant: Ha ha. Good one.
Tim: What do you call a blind dinosaur's dog?
Dr. Alan Grant: You got me.
Tim: A Do-you-think-he-saurus Rex
There are times when I get up in the morning and I think to myself that really, things couldn't get any stupider.

I mean, lets be real. There is some stupid shit going on out there, and there has been for awhile. Dane Cook for one (I know, I keep going on about Dane Cook but I JUST DON'T GET IT! The man is simply not funny or even marginally talented. His mere existence could be proof that there is a Supreme Evil Being and that Dane is one of his unfunny minions that is trying to create hell on earth. I'm just saying...). Britney Spears and our INCESSANT fascination with her crash into oblivion (also note-Rihanna has come out in the press defending her. Maybe she should protect poor Brit with her umbrella). Crocs. The cancellation of Arrested Development. Operation Return on Success.

However, its has been a long time since I have been truly STUNNED by anything. Nothing really surprises me anymore.

Until now...

Stanley Park, where robot dinos roam?

Okay...that has to be a lie. It's in the Province newspaper-Vancouver's answer to the National Enquirer. It has to be wrong. Maybe I'll look elsewhere...

Stanley Park considers 'Jurassic Park'-like exhibit

All right, CTV is saying the same thing. But maybe they are just jumping on the sensationalist bandwagon. I mean who would believe that they would consider putting robot dinosaurs in Stanley about the Globe and Mail?

'Dinosaur experience' could give Vancouver its own Jurassic Park

Dear lord.

Someone has let the lunatics out of the asylum and they are RUNNING AMOK IN STANLEY PARK!

The Vancouver Parks Board is requesting proposals from "experienced proponents" (HUH?)to install 25 to 30 life-sized animatronic dinosaurs and related educational exhibits near the miniature 1.5-kilometre railway. So in other words, they want robot dinosaurs to freak the SHIT out of the kids on the miniature railway.

Robot dinosaurs.

In Stanley Park.


I am at a total loss. I am simply stunned into...well...not speechlessness, but certainly mild incoherence.


Am I alone in this? Am I the only person who thinks that this is an amazingly bad idea? We have the WORLD coming here for the 2010 Olympics-that's already enough pressure. Do we REALLY want them to come here and say...

" Olympics. Vancouver really IS a World that a Robot Dinosaur?"

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Miss Manner's Guide to Tranist Chapter 3

A letter to the beer drinking troglodyte on the 5:35 pm skytrain on September 26, 2007. (The teenage girls got away with being obnoxious this time because this guy was SIMPLY UNBELIEVABLE! But be warned girls-I am on this train for 3 more weeks and I will be watching you)
Dear sir,

I appreciate that the New Westminster Skytrain station is connected to a bar called Scruffy McGuire's (no, I am not making this up. I wish I was). I appreciate that sometimes after a hard day of...well...whatever it is you do, you sometimes need a beer to wash the cares away. I will be honest with you sir. As of late, as the end of my hated job approaches and my employers mutate further into assholeness, I have been known to have a snort of rum with my diet coke. I am not above that in the slightest. Sometimes it just needs to be done.

I do, however, understand that there are certain things that are not done in public due to COMMON DECENCY. Like belching SO LOUDLY that your fellow commuters think there is an earthquake or the construction site next door is collapsing.

Note: At this point my husband is yelling and pointing at the computer because I once inadvertently burped loudly when we were in a store and blamed him. It only happened once though. And it was in Gibson's Landing, home of the Beachcombers so how bad could it be. And it wasn't THAT loud. But I digress.

Now sir, if you ARE going to belch that loudly, you must do two things:

  1. Say excuse me FOR GOD'S SAKE! Were you born in a BARN?
  2. When a blonde girl wearing a FIERCE white leather jacket with great new hair (I got a new haircut that I LOVE LOVE LOVE! Victor-you are a genius) looks your way inquisitively, DON'T yell at her and say "What the fuck are YOU looking at bitch". You KNOW what she is looking at. SHE IS LOOKING AT YOUR UGLY BELCHING FACE!!!!
Sorry about that...that was a bit violent.

Now sir, one belch could be almost forgivable. Even if it was the loudest thing ever. In the history of belching. And believe me, I have heard some loud ones. I play football. I know of what I speak.

However, if you follow that belch up with one that is EVEN LOUDER and LONGER than EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE, you MUST expect a reaction from your fellow commuters.

Like the little old lady that shrieked and ran toward me. In a panic. I don't know what she thought I was going to do to protect her from the angry gas man, but I was ready.

And if you RESPOND to that reaction by CHASING HER and belching AGAIN, you must expect people to respond negatively. Like moving away from you rapidly and contacting the skytrain police. (Who of course never got there because they were rousting tourists who didn't pay enough train fare. Because cheap tourists are a opposed to angry gassy psychopaths. Come on people...get your priorities straight.)

AND THEN when the train arrives, and you BELCH on to your train car of choice, do not be surprised when your fellow commuters flee out of the train.

AND FINALLY...please do not be encouraged by the reaction you got from the one, fellow beer drinking commuter on your train. Which was...of course...

"Dude! That was AWESOME!"



Blonde in fierce white leather jacket on behalf of...well...the world

There is a part of me that is going to miss these daily interactions with my fellow commuters as I will be working near Granville Island as opposed to near the dead pigeon on the corner (I am not making this up-a pigeon expired as I was walking by it a few weeks ago. It fell over and blood oozed out of its head. I cannot get out of here fast enough).

The part of me that will miss these interactions is very small however. Very very small.

RIP pigeon-we hardly knew you.

Monday, September 24, 2007


Today I quit my job.


I got the "really super cool job".


The next few weeks are going to kill me as I frantically clean up from this job AND start getting up to speed on the next job.


I am NEVER AGAIN going to have do deal with the GIANT FLAMING COW that is my present boss.


I am INSANELY excited. I am about to go to work at THE COOLEST PLACE ON EARTH!

They have a boccie team and an office dog.

I am going to be working in a hyper creative atmosphere with loft ceilings and proximity to fabulous restaurants and ease of transit.

They think I rock.



Friday, September 21, 2007

A-List-Defective Yeti

One of my favourite bloggers is Defective Yeti. This blog is penned by Matthew Baldwin, a brilliantly erudite writer from Seattle, Washington with a fabulously biting sense of humour.

His posts range from random poetry, to photoshopped sillies, to posts on his autistic son "The Squiggle".

His blog post from a few days ago doesn't even come close to showing his writing chops, but I appreciated the title and the content. Its a regular "series" by him...well regular in that he has done the "Bad Review Revue" a few times...but nothing you can set your clock by.

I give you...Defective Yeti! Explore him...send him treats (well, I don't know about the treats..I know I like treats, but he may not feel the same way. Just send me treats then)

The Bad Review Revue

I am so ashamed

I have an embarassing admission to make...

I LOVE America's Next Top Model.

Its like TV Crack-I know its bad for me, but really, I just can't get enough.

There's the drama, the anorexia, Tyra Banks, Tyra's ludicrous weave (its kind of blonde this time...LOVE IT!), Tyra's PHENOMENAL booty (seriously, she is as annoying as crap, but at least the girl has some curves), Miss J, Mr J and of course the EXTRAORDINARILY sexually ambiguous (yes I know he's married...but i am still suspicious) and FIERCELY hot Nigel Barker. Rrowr.

This year promises to be MAGICAL!

Some of the models are quite dull. I am assuming they will be told by Tyra "you will no longer be in the running to be America's Next Top model and lose out on the fantastic prizes from our sponsors who I will mention over and over and over again." SOME of these models however are CRAZY IN A BOX! LOVE IT!

We have...

Raised by a Crack Whore (seriously, her words, not mine), she is already hated by everyone. Arrogant as hell, and I honestly don't see why, this one will be responsible for a majority of the fireworks.

Heather has Asperger's Syndrome. Asperger's is one of several Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) characterized by difficulties in social communication and social skills, and in restricted and stereotyped interests and activities.

Now, what I am about to say is going to sound evil and bitchy. But does Asperger's make her ANY different from the regular starlet/model. Bad social skills, restricted interests and a wee bit wacky. ANTM DOES have a reputation to uphold-they MUST have someone with some kind of "special needs" on ever episode.

Plus Size Model

And now....Asperger's.

Heather made a speech that she was there representing the underdog-the kid that got picked on in class, the one's hiding in the corner.

Riiight....the ones in the corner that are tall skinny and pretty...THOSE ONES? WHICH CORNER IS SHE LOOKING AT???


Another fabulous girl from the hood. She has already called out Ebony and her $500.00 weave (Bianca's weave cost only $25.00. GO BIANCA GO). Bianca is one of the few girls on this cycle that I actually think is quite stunning! She has some FIERCE attitude and I am predicting a full on hair pulling cat fight with Ebony! SWEET!

The token plus sized model.

Yup...thats right.


I freaking hate that. She's the only normal looking one and she is FREAKING PLUS SIZED!

Gorgeous though...but a bit bland. I don't think she is going to last.

There were a few criers of course, and next week looks like it is going to be fireworks already. I am already trying to figure out who they are going to shave bald for the make over episode.


I am not going to make a call on the winner until after the makeover episode-its easier to see who they are favouring after that episode.

God I love this show.

I am so ashamed...

Wednesday, September 19, 2007


My pirate name is:

Black Bess Flint

Like anyone confronted with the harshness of robbery on the high seas, you can be pessimistic at times. Like the rock flint, you're hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you're easily chipped, and sparky. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from
part of the network

Avast me hearties! It's international talk like a pirate day! Today is the day to search for booty and swash your buckles!

In honour of pirate day, i give you the top 10 pirate pick up lines for both boy and girl pirates...maybe this will help you find some booty. ha ha.

Boy Pirates...

10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?

9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?

8. Come on up and see me urchins.

7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.

6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.

5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?

4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?

3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.

2. Well blow me down?

And the number one pickup line for Boy Pirates is …

1. Prepare to be boarded.

Girl Pirates...

10. What are YOU doing here?

9. Is that a belayin' pin in yer britches, or are ye ... (this one is never completed)

8. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!

7. So, tell me, why do they call ye, "Cap'n Feathersword?"

6. That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!

5. Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me "lice ratio!"

4. I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs!

3. C'mon, lad, shiver me timbers!


...and the number one pick up line for Girl Pirates

1. You. Pants Off. Now!

Good luck with your booty

Friday, September 14, 2007

Captain Sunshine

There are times when I am down, when I feel that nothing will take me out of the deep blue funk that I am in.

Lately, most of those times have been while I am at work (Seriously. My boss is a giant cow. I actually call her something else that begins with a c usually, but i don't want to offend virgin eyes). My office atmosphere is quite relaxed, so I play a lot of music while I work. NOTHING, but NOTHING brings me out of my funk better than...

I love Neil Diamond. I really do.

He is a crazy, glitter encrusted performing dynamo. I would LOVE to see him in concert. Sadly Nearly Neil is the best I have been able to get-and he's pretty darn good-but hell...he's no Neil...he's NEARLY Neil.

I just pop on a bit of "Hot August Night" or The Jazz Singer or even the good old Greatest Hits, and I am GOLDEN!

Neils newish album 12 Songs is a bit of a departure from good old "Song Song Blue" and "Forever in Blue Jeans", but I have really been enjoying it lately. It doesn't drive me out of my funk like his some of other albums as it is much more intimate and pared down, although the song Delirious Love is one of my favourite songs in YEARS. Basically just him and his guitar. Fantastic!

As a shout out to Hot Lunch and High Fidelity (one of my favourite books and movies) I am going to do a Neil Diamond list. Its my "top five get sasskitty out of her crappy mood using the magic of Neil's songs" list.

5. Delirious Love

4. Brother Love's Travelling Salvation Show

3. Sweet Caroline (seriously...who doesn't love this song? BAH BAH BAH)

2. Forever in Blue Jeans

1. Holly Holy

Rock on Neil! Keep them sparkly shirts coming!!!

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Here comes the BOOM!

I went to see Shoot em Up last night with my football coach and Mini girl.

Holy doodle.

I give you a smattering of the play by play that occurred in my head during the movie...


Bloody Hell

Did he just...WITH A CARROT...OW!

HOLY CRAP Clive Owen is HOT!!!!


What the...

AGAIN with the carrot? Who KNEW carrots were that deadly!

(note on above picture. Yes...that is a carrot in Clive Owen's hand. It is AMAZING what that man can do with a carrot. And I SO DO NOT mean it in that way!!!)
This movie is SO John Woo meets Quentin Tarantino meets Looney Tunes.

To quote my coach "This movie was excessive. But with extra x's. It was XXessive!"

It was definitely XXessive.

This movie took the action genre to a whole new level. They went too far..and kept on going. And because they kept on going, it made it fun and truly enjoyable. The body count was INSANE, the premise was just downright ludicrous, guns were blazing EVERYWHERE, the bad guy was BAD (Paul Giamatti is BRILLIANTLY evil...EEEVIL), the sex was HOT and the movie didn't stop.

And seriously. Is anyone cooler than Clive Owen? there isn't. And SERIOUSLY! He is so FREAKING HOT! But I digress....rrrowr....

DO NOT go to this movie looking for a plot. There is no real plot. The plot makes no sense. I swear Michael Davis was on acid when he came up with this movie....i can imagine the pitch session to the producers...
"Okay, so there is this hero. Mr. Smith. The movie opens up with him delivering a baby during a gun fight. Then it follows Smith-who is TOTALLY the angriest man alive- through the city protecting the baby from some really bad guys, but he shoots them all. Lots. And he kills a couple of guys with a carrot. In fact, he eats lots of carrots- he's kind of like Bugs Bunny-in fact, we are going to have some veiled Looney Tunes references. Can we cast an actor that looks like Elmer Fudd? No? there is this lactating hooker with a heart of gold that is going to be the love interest/wet nurse for the baby. Her name is DQ. Get it? GET IT? I know...brilliant huh? And then Mr Smith shoots lots of people. LOTS OF PEOPLE! In one scene, he is going to be shooting people while skydiving. There will be lots of shooting and people dying by shooting. In LUDICROUS ways. BANG BANG! Its going to be AWESOME! AWESOME!"
But let me tell you...I had a BLAST. Pun totally intended.

MANY people will hate this movie. It is completely violent to the extreme, Clive Owen is NOT naked which sucks, and it is almost completely without plot. But if you want to go and shut off your brain, listen to some good heavy metal music, laugh and see things go BANG...this is SO THE MOVIE FOR YOU!

Four guns up out of five.


Monday, September 10, 2007

A further sign of the impending apocolypse

There have been many signs as of late that our world is unhappy.

Seas are rising.

The weather is all hinky.

George Bush is still in power.

Rihanna has a career.

Dane Cook hasn't been taken back to his home planet.

And a myraid of others.

The most recent is this...
Fake fur lined Crocs.


Crocs on their own are wrong right, but FUR LINED????


The fashion gods are angry...what's next? The return of high heeled ankle boots?

Oh right...

Thursday, September 6, 2007


I am about to head into the third round of interviews for the BEST JOB IN THE WORLD EVER!

I am so excited I might explode.

Its one of those jobs you dream about. You know the one...the job that falls on your lap? The one you didn't apply for but were recommended for by a friend? The one that seems way too good to be true? Yah...its one of those jobs.

The first interview was 15 minutes long. I was interviewed by "The Dude". It was casual, and cool and we talked about morris dancing.

They think I rock.

I think they rock.

I might explode.

At this moment I am waiting to hear about when the next interview will be- I have made it EXTREMELY well through the first two stages, but now need to meet..."THE CLIENT". Its KILLING ME! I want to stalk them mercilessly. I want to bake them banana bread and send them flowers telling them i love them.

But I must remain cool...calm...collected. For I am a professional. I am a career woman. I can take the pressure.


Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Operation motivation

Alright, so i have done all the big things I set out to do this summer.

Okay, the one big thing.

I got married.

It was a success-no one died (believe was close...really close), the food ROCKED (many props to the magical chef and the WORLD'S BEST POTATOES at the Diamond Alumni Centre), and everyone looked FIERCE, if not slightly drunk (yes Hot Lunch, this means you).

I may post on the whole experience later-there is a lot more to being a bride than I thought. BEAUTY HURTS!

But now that I don't have that, I am in a pool of procrastination. I SHOULD BE frantically looking for a new job, trying to write more, starting to look for an agent, looking at producing my own show, working out more, cleaning my house, and looking for a new apartment.

Instead I am surfing the net, filing and checking out facebook.



Or win the lottery...that would SO ROCK!!!!

Sigh...we shall see...