Fashion is not for the faint of heart...

I think if I had all the time in the world...you know, didn't have to work for a living or any of that stuff, I would dabble in fashion design.

And jewelry design.

And cooking.

And light automotive repair.

Okay, I'm not so good at the focusing thing, but I WOULD love to be a fashion designer.

I remember making clothing for my Barbies when I was young. I made tiny ball gowns, accessories, costumes etc.

I made my grad dress in grade 12, much to the chagrin of my grad date as I was sewing up until 2 hours before the dance.

I love to sew, create, play with clothing and fabric, but these days, I just don't have the time or the room.

Stupid apartment living.

Lately, I have been getting my fashion fix from Project Runway Canada.

I am quite impressed by it actually. It has its own personality and the designers do some great stuff. I don't really understand why Iman is hosting...I would have thought someone like Linda Evangelista would have been a better choice, but Iman isn't too bad.

My current favourite designer on the show is Biddell.

He is a self-taught designer. From skater gear to bridal gowns, Biddell’s self-described “Street Couture” has been featured in boutiques in Calgary, Vancouver (El Kartel has carried his line), and Victoria. He describes his aesthetic as loud and clean—clothes that get noticed.

I LOVE his stuff-so fun and crazy. I am going to have to track down his stuff. Its fierce baby...fierce.

GO BIDELL GO!

Miss Manner's guide to dressing appropriately: Chapter 1

An open letter to the man living somewhere on the third floor in my apartment building.

Dear sir,

You seem to be a very nice man. We have chatted several times in the elevator and while walking up the stairs. You are very polite, always hold the door open for me, and have intelligent things to say. I have suspicions that you are a member of the Russian Mafia as you drive a Mercedes Compressor AND an M Class SUV and live in a small somewhat nasty apartment building in Burnaby. You also have a ludicrous hair weave that nobody thinks is real. Nobody.

Now sir, I am not a fashion dictator. I understand that sometimes, one needs to wander downstairs to throw out the garbage in ones pyjamas. What Not To Wear isn't ALWAYS filming with hidden cameras and sometimes, you just need to be comfortable.

However sir, there is a limit to comfort.

Imagine my surprise when I got on to the elevator this morning and discovered you in your housecoat and aqua sox. AQUA SOX! HOUSECOAT! WHAT?

I was willing to let that slide and give you the benefit of the doubt. I was assuming you were heading to the garbage or recycling-there was no garbage evident, but maybe you were looking for something. However, when you turned toward the cars as I was and headed to your SUV I began to doubt that you were looking for your lost keys in amidst the detritus of our wee building. Perhaps you had just forgotten something in your car?

No... no...you had not.

You LEAPED into your car (and in the process revealed that you were not, in fact, wearing anything under your housecoat...AAAAAAAAAAAAA), turned it on, and DROVE AWAY! IN YOUR HOUSECOAT AND AQUA SOX! AND WEARING NOTHING UNDER YOUR HOUSECOAT! AAAAAAAA!

I didn't need to see that sir. I didn't need to see your wedding tackle. Your crown jewels. Your frank and beans. Any of it. It may have scarred me. It was a totally unexpected display of nudity and honestly sir...it wasn't...well...some people just shouldn't be nude. We'll just leave it at that.

I am concerned sir. It concerns me that you seem to think its okay to wander the streets in your housecoat. With no pants. Or underpants. In fact, wearing NOTHING resembling pants. It is not okay. It is not okay at all. You are not Nick Nolte. It wasn't okay for him either.

How hard is it to put on pants and a shirt? And appropriate footwear? Honestly, its not that difficult. I do it every day and I am NOT a morning person! I can barely even see when I leave the house, yet I am still DRESSED! I am not even asking for coordination-just common decency.

And pants.

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY PUT ON SOME PANTS!

Signed,

The now slightly scarred blonde from the second floor.

I am so ashamed

I have an embarassing admission to make...

I LOVE America's Next Top Model.

Its like TV Crack-I know its bad for me, but really, I just can't get enough.

There's the drama, the anorexia, Tyra Banks, Tyra's ludicrous weave (its kind of blonde this time...LOVE IT!), Tyra's PHENOMENAL booty (seriously, she is as annoying as crap, but at least the girl has some curves), Miss J, Mr J and of course the EXTRAORDINARILY sexually ambiguous (yes I know he's married...but i am still suspicious) and FIERCELY hot Nigel Barker. Rrowr.

This year promises to be MAGICAL!

Some of the models are quite dull. I am assuming they will be told by Tyra "you will no longer be in the running to be America's Next Top model and lose out on the fantastic prizes from our sponsors who I will mention over and over and over again." SOME of these models however are CRAZY IN A BOX! LOVE IT!

We have...

Ebony
Raised by a Crack Whore (seriously, her words, not mine), she is already hated by everyone. Arrogant as hell, and I honestly don't see why, this one will be responsible for a majority of the fireworks.


Heather
Heather has Asperger's Syndrome. Asperger's is one of several Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) characterized by difficulties in social communication and social skills, and in restricted and stereotyped interests and activities.

Now, what I am about to say is going to sound evil and bitchy. But really....how does Asperger's make her ANY different from the regular starlet/model. Bad social skills, restricted interests and a wee bit wacky. ANTM DOES have a reputation to uphold-they MUST have someone with some kind of "special needs" on ever episode.

Dyslexia
Lupus
Plus Size Model

And now....Asperger's.

Heather made a speech that she was there representing the underdog-the kid that got picked on in class, the one's hiding in the corner.

Riiight....the ones in the corner that are tall skinny and pretty...THOSE ONES? WHICH CORNER IS SHE LOOKING AT???

Bianca

Another fabulous girl from the hood. She has already called out Ebony and her $500.00 weave (Bianca's weave cost only $25.00. GO BIANCA GO). Bianca is one of the few girls on this cycle that I actually think is quite stunning! She has some FIERCE attitude and I am predicting a full on hair pulling cat fight with Ebony! SWEET!

Sarah
The token plus sized model.

Yup...thats right.

PLUS SIZED!

I freaking hate that. She's the only normal looking one and she is FREAKING PLUS SIZED!

Gorgeous though...but a bit bland. I don't think she is going to last.

There were a few criers of course, and next week looks like it is going to be fireworks already. I am already trying to figure out who they are going to shave bald for the make over episode.

OH WHAT FUN!

I am not going to make a call on the winner until after the makeover episode-its easier to see who they are favouring after that episode.

God I love this show.

I am so ashamed...

A further sign of the impending apocolypse

There have been many signs as of late that our world is unhappy.

Seas are rising.

The weather is all hinky.

George Bush is still in power.

Rihanna has a career.

Dane Cook hasn't been taken back to his home planet.

And a myraid of others.

The most recent is this...
Fake fur lined Crocs.

WHAT THE HELL?

Crocs on their own are wrong right, but FUR LINED????

DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!

The fashion gods are angry...what's next? The return of high heeled ankle boots?

Oh right...

HOORAY FOR WAYNE!

Last night was the final episode of Project Catwalk 2007 hosted by the ubiquitous Kelly Osbourne.

Big ups to winner, and my personal fave to win...WAYNE AVELINE! This extra from a Spice Girls movie (so not making this up) was the designer with the most personality and style in my opinion. His tailoring was impeccable, and the three final catwalk collections, his was head and shoulders above the rest and included a dress and bodice both sculpted out of aluminum!


YAY WAYNE!!!

Judge not lest ye be judged

A coons age ago, when I worked downtown, I would phone my rocking friend "the Groomswoman", and regale her with the alarming fashions on Robson st. These fashions would generally involve the latest trends gone all "higgly piggly".

All wrong.

I don't do that anymore. Not that people in New West aren't stylish or well dressed, for most of them are. Its refreshing not to see people covered head to toe in Gucci wear, or wearing $800.00 tshirts.

However this morning I feel the need to comment.

As I was "zoom zooming" down the road in my fun and festive Mazda (we call him Chico), I noted a young, not unattractive woman with great hair in the following attire.
That's right. A denim suit. Denim blazer, flared denim skirt AND to top it all off...

DENIM SHOES!!!!!

All EXACTLY the same colour!!!

I really wanted to go all Stacy and Clinton on her ass. I felt the need to stop in the middle of Columbia St, leap out, and yell SHUT UP!

There is no excuse for that kind of behaviour. You have to REALLY try to be covered head to toe in faded blue denim.

I felt the need to share this with all of you. I am concerned for the universe....

Doing the shoe

There is a phenomenon in Vancouver know as...

The Army and Navy Shoe Sale

Women line up for hours for ludicrous deals on designer shoes. And some "sub designer" shoes that seem to be made out of cardboard. But I digress.

This sale is a historical right of passage for the Lower Mainland female. My mother went with her mother in the 50s. I am sure HER mother went with her mother before her. My mom and I have never gone together, but that is probably because they don't have Birkenstocks at Army and Navy.

As I work in New Westminster, I went to the New West store for the sale. Upon arrival at 7:50, I noted the 150 women in line, chomping at the bit to get to the shoes. I am sure the downtown store had CRAZY line ups even worse! AAAAAAAAAAAA! Women REALLY need their shoes!

oh dear god.

Luckily, my girlfriend was already in line, so I snuck in with her.

When the doors open, I expected an irrational stampede of women, roaring in like cattle to get to the Michael Kors.

Instead, in typically Canadian fashion, we moved in a leisurely, polite manner down the two flights of stairs to the shoes. No running, no yelling, no pushing. We sauntered, apologized if feet were stepped on, and even offered to hand each other baskets.

Disappointing.

I only purchased one pair of shoes, very similar to the ones pictured above but without the bows.

ONLY ONE PAIR!

Cultural Cruise only went home with two pairs (she was at downtown). She is holding out for a third pair, same style as one of the others but in a different colour.

I think I may need to go back...they restock all week until there are no more shoes left...I am sensing a size 10 Michael Kors sandal calling my name....

Shoe it up ladies! Shoe it up!

A-list-Joe Mimran

Overheard today by me...

Hey Sasskitty! Your ass looks fantastic in those pants! Are they new?

Why yes they are oh fabulous coworker of mine! They are from Joe, designed by Joe Mimran, the guy behind Alfred Sung, Club Monaco and Caban who now does trendy affordable clothing for the Great Canadian Superstore a la Issac Mizrahi and Target. AND they were only NINETEEN DOLLARS!

I think this is insane ! I can't believe I spent 19 dollars on a pair of pants that make my ass look this good!

Well done Joe Mimran! Well done!

I tried on Liz Hurley's wedding dress!

Well, almost.

In the effort to find THE dress (which I did...YAY! I look fab in it too!), I went to an assortment of stores. One that I went to labels itself as the largest in Canada. It may well be, but I would not recommend anyone venturing there. The sales tactics were REALLY high pressure and their prices were much higher than anywhere else.

One of the dresses that the saleswoman brought me was a strapless version of Liz Hurley's dress. She looks lovely and ethereal and slightly less boring than usual.

I looked like a deranged chicken. The sales person said I looked fantastic and dramatic. A fellow bride behind her kept mouthing to me "No! No! No!" I ran from the store shortly after.

But I am certainly less boring than Liz and my fiance is way hotter than hers. WOO HOO!

In further boring celebrity news, Boring Liz is no longer the host of one of my favourite shows "Project Catwalk". It is now boring Kelly Osborne. Snore. Kelly Osborne drives me batty-she presents her self as an edgy style maven, but she is really just a spoiled brat. Papa don't preach indeed.

Oh well-it promises to be an EXCELLENT series. I have already picked my favourite designer- Wayne Aveline who is the tattooed mustachioed gentleman on the left of the back row.

From his bio...

Wayne is a 32 year old gay Buddhist from Birmingham. He now works as a Club Host at Birmingham and The Cross, but was a womenswear designer for Sisley when he lived in Italy. Wayne has a BA (Hons) Fashion Design from Central St Martins, and won fetish designer of the year at the Erotica Awards.

He specialises in haute couture, women's evening wear and avant-garde. Wayne has no problems working with fur, suede or leather, and gets frustrated at people's narrow mindedness. Wayne was an extra in the Spice Girls Movie, and in keeping with these days wears 11' heels making him a looming 7"1'. Bold and outspoken, Wayne said that most of the designers were "shit" at call-backs.

GO WAYNE GO!!! His dress kicked ass this week! I am looking forward to what he comes up with in future episodes.

Fashion or Death (apologies to Eddie Izzard)

I like to see myself as a reasonably stylish individual. I know what I look good in, and have my own sense of style-reasonably current with a "soupcon" of...well...me. Curvy may be coming back in style (bless you America Ferrera et al), but I'll be damned if I will wear those freaking skinny jeans or anything else of that ilk. For me, the short-short skirt was something I wore in grade 9 when I wasn't dressed in all black in honour of my lost youth (I had dark moments in grade 9. Most of them because of a tragic hair cut, but I digress).

I am not a huge fan of trends. I am suspicious that many of them are a joke (like the return of legwarmers)

So today, I would like to comment on some of today's fashion choices by people who are slaves to fashion.

I am not talking about movies stars etc. They are blinded by their popularity and assume that they can do whatever they want BECAUSE they are famous. Case in point...the Olsen twins. I am sure they KNOW that they look ridiculous. How can they not?

Ladies-buy a mirror and a eat burger or 80. Do us all a favour.

And take a look at Bridgitte Neilson and Flava Flav...I know its hard...
Blinded by their own questionable celebrity, they make questionable choices. I do wish they would stay inside though...

I digress again.

Today I speak of the tragic fashion choices of the general public. People who own mirrors and are not flocked by paparazzi or stylists telling them how to dress.

These people SHOULD know better!

Case and point-this morning.

It was chilly and damp. I was bundled up in a down vest, scarf, a long sleeved shirt, jeans and boots. I was cold. As I was walking briskly up the stairs to the skytrain, I noted I was following a woman who is my age wearing a wispy blouse, some kind of strange contraption that resembled a coat, a short crocheted black skirt (shudder), small pink underwear (yup...the skirt was THAT short and I was walking behind her. I did NOT need to see that), knee highed pink socks (shudder again) and Ugg boots. The ONLY item of winter apparel this woman was wearing was the heinous boots. What was WRONG with her? Who doesn't wear tights or some kind of leg covering in the winter? And UGG BOOTS? WHY??? Whomever decided that UGG boots were a stylish fashion choice needs to be hoisted on their own petard. Immediately. This woman was carrying a briefcase of some kind, so was heading to work I assume, and that work was probably NOT on a street corner, so WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY??? My guess is she saw it in a magazine so assumed it was appropriate outside the pages of Vogue or W. Its not.

It upsets me deeply as you can tell...

Oh Stacey and Clinton...where are you when we need you???