Clothing optional

Yesterday when I was heading to my car, I noticed that someone had placed their socks lovingly in front of my passenger door.

I always get concerned about abandoned clothing, particularly abandoned shoes. It offends my sensibilities. Who would DO that to poor innocent clothing-especially shoes? I know many shoes that I see flung cruelly over electrical wires are from evil bullies who rip them from the feet of poor little geeks. Bullies like Tricia Johnson who threatened to beat me up in grade 8. Tricia was a foot shorter than me. Needless to say, it didn't go well for her. But I digress.

I just don't get the abandoned clothing thing. I am suspicious that these socks were a token of affection from the toothless man who was lurking near my car telling me I was looking "FIIIINE". Or at least I think thats what he said. He had no teeth. And I think he had just drunk his weight in JD judging by the empty bottles in the area. His buddy also said something to me, but I didn't catch it as he was too busy talking on his cell phone.

Yah, I was confused by that one too.

But if they WEREN'T a token of affection, how did they get there. Do people just randomly stroll down the street then say to themselves, "You know, I would be much happier if I wasn't wearing socks (or pants, or a shirt). I think I will take them off right now and put them in front of this lovely little yellow Protege 5 with fuzzy dice in the window. Ah yes, I feel so much better."

I can't think of a situation in which I have EVER felt the need to abandon my clothing. I will admit, I took my nylons off at work the other day and threw them out because they had a run in them, but THAT is a different story. Clothing abandonment is just downright irresponsible. And a bit weird.

So socks remain a mystery.

A mystery never to be solved I am assuming, until the next piece of errant clothing makes its way to my vehicle.

Ah New Westminster...how I love you...

Riddled with self doubt...

This past weekend I was called upon to reprise my role of "Connie Mocogni the pregnant kiss monster maid of honour" in Tony and Tina's Wedding. Its always interesting for me to go in and do the show as one of the "classic" players. I was first in Tony and Tina's over 10 years ago and they have gone through over 450 actors since the show started-some of them good, a lot of them...well...not so good. Bad even.

The show has changed a fair amount since I first joined. When I started, the cast was comprised of improv actors, classically trained thespians and professional hams. There wasn't anything subtle about the show. It was loud, crazy and ridiculous. I would finish the show exhausted but energized as I knew the audience had been entertained to their max.

Present day TnT has a lot of film actors. They are quiet, reserved and focused on being "natural". They are also children. Babies. Barely out of puberty. I walk into the show as a celebrity-a legend-the "original Connie". FAB for the ego, let me tell you. However, I am old. Oh so old.

I had a lot of fun doing the show. The actor who played my boyfriend in the show was 20. TWENTY! I was a cougar.

And old. have I mentioned old?

In no other industry is 34.9 (a matter of DAYS away from 35) considered SO OLD.

It made me think. When is too old to continue pursuing this wacky acting thing? I have been feeling old for a while. Do I give up now that I am no longer an ingenue? Am I deluding myself as I am "past my prime"? Or do I say FUCK IT and just go for it?

Its different for men...sad but true. I am sneaking into "young mom" age-also known as the age of death. I was never really the cute young thing-too tall, to curvy, too snarky. Perpetually have I been the best friend, the nurse and the maid. Or all three.

Much self reflecting happening. I will either be kicked in the ass and inspired by this, or will decide to become an accountant.

we shall see...

Cheering for the underdog...

For the last 2 weeks, our TV has been inundated by Bad Reality TV that makes me yell...American Inventor, America's Got Talent, Canada's Next Top Model (okay, we TOTALLY watch that one. YAY MISS J!).

America's Got Talent is one of the worst. FIRST OFF, Jerry Springer is the host. shudder. The judges are putzes (seriously...SHARON OSBOURNE? And I love the Hoff, but who the heck is he to judge talent). And you can tell the producers just LOVE to put the worst on TV. And you gotta know a little kid is going to win singing "God Bless America" or whatever the heck that song is from Dream Girls that Jennifer Hudson sings. gag.

Of course, we get all of our "original" reality TV shows from the UK first. And usually, the shows get watered down before they hit North America, so you gotta know the UK version is even MORE mind rotting!

Britain's Got Talent is presently running. My expectation of Britain's Got Talent is a bunch of people singing pub songs and telling off colour jokes.

Apparently, I was wrong.

I give you Paul Potts. Mobile phone salesman and amateur opera singer. He even makes Simon Cowell keep his mouth shut. Who knew that was possible.

His story just made my heart melt. I hope he wins. At least, I hope he beats the guy with the monkey.

yes...i am a giant suck...

Smell travels East to West

For the next three days I am doing a wee acting gig thanks to Cultural Cruise (thanks babycakes). This gig causes me to take the skytrain a different route than I am used to. Instead of traveling from the picturesque City of Burnaby to the now violence ridden armpit of New Westminster, I am traveling from the perfumed Township of Burnaby to the apparently WET CROTCH SOCK SMELL ridden downtown Vancouver. Evidently people in the Lower Mainland begin to smell as they head towards the big city.

Instead of sitting reasonably solo at the back of the train for a quick 3 minute jaunt, I am spending 30 minutes with my closest (and I do mean close. In some countries, I would be married 8 times over for the amount of familiarity fellow commuters now have with my nether regions thanks to roaming hands and...well...umbrellas. But really...lets not go there) friends and ALL of them. I repeat ALL of them smell like REALLY BAD B.O.

Every time I get on the train, I do the Secret check. No, not THE SECRET check (and seriously, if you KNOW "the Secret", you also know...well, its not really a secret. Our mothers have been telling us this for years! Its so silly, I can't even say it.) You've all seen it on the Secret commercials. Women everywhere "nonchalantly" checking their pits for the slightest soupcon of odour. I am embarrassed to say I have become one of those women.

I am fastidious when it comes to body odour (over sharing, I know, but live with it). I shower BEFORE I go work out, play football, go run, just in case I may incur extra smell. I KNOW its not me that smells, but I check every time.

I don't get this. WHY does it smell so much? I know what you are saying "Sasskitty you BOOB, its because there are so many people on the train".

No...this is not so, for on my RETURN trip with JUST AS MANY of my close groping neighbours, there is no smell.

No B.O. No crotch waft. No feet sweat. Just the sweet smell of...well...nothing.

Can you explain this phenomenon to me oh faithful reader? Why is this? You would think people would smell worse as they reach the end of the day, not better.

I have no solution. I have no pithy words of wisdom. I am merely putting the question out to the universe in the hopes that the stinkys will...well...WASH!

In the meantime, I think I am going to invest in some nose plugs. And a jock.

Snore-ny Awards

Last night I was all aflutter as the 61st annual Tony Awards were on TV.

I love the Tony's. Hot Lunch and I bond over the best performances, what play we wish we could see, and how HOT Hugh Jackman is (rrowr)

But this time? Oh lord. I was SO BORED!

I knew I was in for a bad time when I discovered there was no host and that the first introduction was from Angela Lansbury.

Oh dear.

The theme was "there is a little Broadway in all of us". I could make some kind of lewd comment about the sexual promiscuity of actors here, but I won't. Although it would have made the show more exciting.

They were trying to prove that the American Theatre was still viable. So they used famous film actors to do so. HUH? The famous dudes would come on stage and say "I remember the first time I was on Broadway...ya da ya da ya da". Of course for most of them, the only REASON they were on Broadway is because they were famous film and TV actors first. So what does THAT have to do with the viability of American Theatre? And who said it wasn't viable? They sold over 12 million tickets on Broadway last year. TWELVE MILLION! I think its still viable. They need to stop whining. VANCOUVER theatre...not so viable. THAT'S who needs help...

Two of the top shows on Broadway right now are Mary Poppins the Musical and Legally Blonde the Musical.

Dear lord. Perhaps Broadway wasn't all I thought it was...LEGALLY BLONDE THE MUSICAL???

I usually watch the Tony's and fantasize that I am the one on stage accepting the Tony...

I would like to thank my junior high school acting teacher Roger Carr for supporting me all of those years and making me believe I could do this. I would like to thank my mom and dad for being super awesome and my fiance for being SUPER HOT and agreeing to marry a deranged actress. And finally, for everyone who ever said I couldn't do it...THPPPPT!

This year I watched and fantasized that maybe the Jersey Boys would perform naked.

No such luck.

I star watched a bit...some good dresses...and some bad ones.

Marcia Gay Harden needed to be slapped. Or her stylist did...

Claire Danes needs to eat.

Idina Menzel and Taye Diggs are the hottest couple. Ever. DAMN they will have beautiful children.
I went to bed early. I didn't even stay up for the Spring Awakenings number...I figured it would be on You Tube...and lo an behold...here it is. Hard to see...but sounds good. Damn...only thing I should have stayed up for...



Fingers crossed for next year...who knows, maybe I'll be there... (gotta dream big)

Two Knocked Ups!

I had a few trepidations about this movie. Don't get me wrong. It had all the key elements that I love in a comedy:

1. Canadians (Canadians are funnier. Period. And this movie is filled with them and stars one of the funnier ones- Seth Rogen)
2. Silly dance sequences.
   
3. Cameo by Ryan Seacrest (who I am convinced is having an affair with Simon Cowell. but I digress). He's quite surprising in this movie...really...
   
4. Saucy blondes. In particular, saucy blondes who got a role I auditioned for in one of the worst horror movies ever made. Of course, this may mean she has my career which makes me just a WEE BIT bitter...but I am going to roll with it...
   
5. Judd Apatow. The man is a genius.
   
6. Paul Rudd. Rrowr. Seriously. Rrrowr.
   

So you may ask...why was I concerned?

Babies.

Lots of babies.

I have developed a fear of babies.

They are everywhere.

My friends are pregnant or just recently parents. My fiance and I are trying to cultivate friendships with non pregnant people just so we don't feel left out. AND so we won't be asked to babysit. And in case pregnancy might be contagious. The baby pressures are rapidly mounting, especially as I am about to turn...gulp...THIRTY FIVE in just TWENTY EIGHT SHORT DAYS. Apparently, my eggs are aging.

Fuck.

We also went with one of the aforementioned pregnant people. I was worried the movie might make her pop. And I was NOT looking forward to that.

Ew.

So back to the movie.

I thoroughly enjoyed it! Two thumbs up! Funny yet touching all at the same time. A weird cross between a chick flick and a college gross out movie. I could have done without the birthing scene (shudder), but other than that, a genuinely funny, sweet and downright WACKY story (the scene with Rogen and Rudd on mushrooms in the hotel room discussing chairs almost killed me. I think I might have peed a little). The acting was great and if anyone is a Freaks and Geeks fan they MUST go to this movie as its a reunion of sorts with many of the Freaks cast members appearing.

Sure, there are some obvious plot devices at work-the end is no surprise, and of COURSE the doofus ends up with a hot blonde (no dear fiance I am NOT pointing at you with that comment...but now that I think about it...), but the writing is spectacular.

Instead of being a movie about how this-happened-and-then-this-happened, you walk out talking about all the great things the characters said to each other. It's the kind of movie you go back to twice because you want to hear them say it again. ("Five is WAY TOO MANY chairs for this room"...ha ha...okay, you had to be there...but trust me. Its funny). Any movie that identifies the white guy dance "the dice move" is a-list in my books.

Go see this movie. If you think its beneath you because its a "blockbuster"...well...relax and eat some popcorn. Not everything can be Fellini. (And thank god really.) Sometimes, movies are made for pure entertainment, and this one is purely entertaining.

Make sure you go to the bathroom before you go in though. The hotel scene may do you in...

Facebook etiquette

So I have been "booking" for awhile and I have just started getting the friend requests that I have to think about.

People I barely know are asking to be my friend (which is very flattering and creepy all at the same time). A girl I went to elementary, junior and high school with that I barely talked to and didn't really like has just asked to be my friend.

What do I do?

Do I say "no...thanks...but I remember you picking your nose and eating it and....well...ew"

Do I say "sure...why not...I really hope you don't pick your nose and eat it anymore. Because...well...ew"

What does "friends" mean on facebook? There are people with HUNDREDS of friends...do they really know them? And if they DO...why am I not that popular? Does it matter if I say "yes" to someone being my friend if they really...well...aren't even slightly? And never were? Its been GREAT to find people that I actually am looking forward to catching up with. But people that I don't even have a shared history with...what do we catch up ON???

Oh Miss Manners...where are you when I need you???

Back for good....

I have an embarrassing admission.

I am rather fond of Take That.

Yup...thats right...the 1990's boy band from the UK.

I am a dork.

Now, I am also a Take That purist...none of this NEW Take That sans Robbie Williams (Robbie Williams...yum). Only the golden oldie era of Take That.

In honour of Take That and their clean cut yet trying to be coolishness I give you...

Back for good...

awesome....

A Moment of Noise

Last night I attended the memorial for my friend, T-Paul Ste Marie. T-Paul is a legend in the Vancouver counter culture community-a beat poet laureate, swank hipster, rockabilly, psychobilly, firebreathing performer. Born too late, or too early, he wandered Main Street with his died black pompadour and tattooed arms with a cigarette pack in his sleeve and a smirk on his face looking like Jack Kerouac's long lost soulmate. He did NOT suffer fools lightly and loved people unconditionally. We met while acting in Tony and Tina's Wedding. He was larger than life, and through that largeness, had the ability to bring everyone together, as was evident by the impromptu memorial last night.

The Cafe Deux Soliels was packed with people of all shapes, sizes and background. A bunch of us who had done TnT sat together, looking on at the freaks and geeks in attendance. From aging hippies, to tattooed bikers to 65 year old overweight men in blue overalls, we were all in attendance to celebrate the life force that was T-Paul Ste. Marie. He certainly did not go gently into that good night.

Instead of a moment of silence, we had a moment of noise for the crazy, wacky, beat poet, emcee, freakshow passion monkey that T-Paul was. He would have loved every ear drum blasting moment of it.

T-Paul lived every moment to the fullest. I challenge you all to do the same, if not for him, then for yourselves because we never know which day may be our last.

I give you...T-Paul with his moment of noise-his signature performance piece "Invocation".


Rest well T-Paul. You will be missed but never forgotten...