I AM A PARIAH!

I have caught "the cold". You know the one. Its been profiled on CBC, people are wearing facemasks, and Tylenol cold is rushing off the shelves.

Gnnnnnr.

My fiance's cousin is the epicentre of this bastard. He gave it to the affianced, who kindly passed it on to me.

We have become the worlds most pathetic couple. I sound like Harvey Fierstein, and he is making sounds like a birthing cow.

Yuck.

I'm not complaining. Really, I'm not. Getting colds is part of life, and I actually feel okay-I just sound like a 55 year old gay Jewish New Yorker. And I just coughed up something that looked like Eggs Benedict. ew.

I am complaining about other people's reaction to my cold.

I am not asking for your sympathy. I am not asking for your kleenex. I am not really asking for much.

I do not, however, want to hear "ew! Get away! EW! Don't give it to me! Are you contagious? EW!"

This makes me want to lick the person. Spit on their phone. Sneeze on their keyboard. Its all I can do to not wait until they leave the room and then run in and breathe on their lunch. I know that's a petty reaction for me to have but COME ON now...how is that supposed to make me feel? I wash my hands, I try not to stand too close! Jerkheads...

My ex boss at the PR firm which shall not be named used to spray antibacterial lotion at people whenever they got sick. That only made the sick person wet and eventually caused him to have no antibodies to speak of, so he would get sick. He was the person most infected by colds in our office, probably because he bathed in antibacterial stuff...yuck.

I must go now...i think i just coughed up a lung.

ew again...

Thumbs up review-Idiocracy

A few weekends ago, the fiance, the brother-in-law and I watched Idiocracy by Mike Judge of Office Space (have you seen my stapler?)fame.

THUMBS WAY UP!

Idiocracy stars Luke Wilson (sigh) and Maya Rudolph. Wilson and Rudolph play an "Average Joe" and a prostitute subjected to a military experiment which puts them in hibernation, from which they are to awaken in one year. However they are forgotten and instead emerge 500 years later in a world where "typical Americanism" has resulted in a uniformly stupid humanity.

As a follow up to Office Space, the film was highly anticipated by fans and critics alike. But it was not available for preview by critics, its much-delayed release received no publicity, and it was finally seen in only a small number of theaters with a limited release of 130! As a result, widespread conjecture arose of deliberate suppression by the studio. Despite these troubles, the film received largely favorable reviews by critics and viewers. Praise focussed on concept, casting, and humour and the film's release issues received the worst of the criticism.

Time Magazine, Esquire and Slate all comment on the movie and Judge's treatment by the studios. There are a variety of theories bandied about, but personally, I think the movie was hidden because it really hits the nail on the head. North Americans LOVE stupid! And fat! And easy! The smart may be getting smarter but its the dumb asses that survive!

From the Slate review...

Idiocracy challenges a central article of faith in American life, the notion that we are destined for moral, material, and intellectual progress. And what if things really are getting worse? What if, more to the point, we really are getting dumber? Recently there's been some troubling evidence that the arrow of intelligence is pointing downward. A British study found that the intelligence of British 11-year-olds has actually declined during the last 20 years. Data from the Danish draft board indicate that intelligence peaked in the late-1990s and has now fallen to levels not seen since 1991, when MC Hammer-inspired parachute pants were all the rage. If that's not enough to make you slit your wrists, I don't know what is.

To his everlasting credit, Mike Judge doesn't counsel despair. Instead, he's telling thoughtful Americans that we can't expect other people to solve our problems for us. If you're alarmed by the callousness and the crassness of our culture, which you certainly should be, do something about it. Lead or follow. Getting out of the way is not an option. Failing that, you should at least try to outbreed the people you hate most.

Thumbs way up Mr. Judge! Keep on doing that crazy thing you do!!!

Judge not lest ye be judged

A coons age ago, when I worked downtown, I would phone my rocking friend "the Groomswoman", and regale her with the alarming fashions on Robson st. These fashions would generally involve the latest trends gone all "higgly piggly".

All wrong.

I don't do that anymore. Not that people in New West aren't stylish or well dressed, for most of them are. Its refreshing not to see people covered head to toe in Gucci wear, or wearing $800.00 tshirts.

However this morning I feel the need to comment.

As I was "zoom zooming" down the road in my fun and festive Mazda (we call him Chico), I noted a young, not unattractive woman with great hair in the following attire.
That's right. A denim suit. Denim blazer, flared denim skirt AND to top it all off...

DENIM SHOES!!!!!

All EXACTLY the same colour!!!

I really wanted to go all Stacy and Clinton on her ass. I felt the need to stop in the middle of Columbia St, leap out, and yell SHUT UP!

There is no excuse for that kind of behaviour. You have to REALLY try to be covered head to toe in faded blue denim.

I felt the need to share this with all of you. I am concerned for the universe....

I am filled with joy

Any moment now, you will all hear a squeal of delight.

That will be Hot Lunch realizing that Olivia Newton John's masterpiece Xanadu has been made into a musical on Broadway.

XANADU ON BROADWAY!

I also note that Ms Newton John has a new CD out! Well golly gee thats just SUPER!

I am filled with warm fuzzy joy.

I give you...

Xanadu...

Miss Manner's guide to tranist Chapter 2

A further letter to the girls on the skytrain,


Dear dancing fools,

I understand that you are young and exuberant. Good on you. Get it out of your system now, because trust me, when you creep into your thirties, you will decide that morning calisthenics are a colossal waste of time that can be better spent mainlining coffee. Or sleeping.

While I appreciate your exuberance, I DO NOT under any circumstances appreciate your dance routines with accompanying singing performed in the middle of the skytrain at 8:15 am.

Especially when it is line dancing.

I was quite confused by your choice of dancing. And singing. If you can call it singing. None of you are Beyonce, let me tell you. Your singing was alarming-even for country music. No matter how loud I turned up my "ican'tbelieveitssosmall" player and the kick ass tones of Serena Ryder, I could STILL hear you all screeching Kenny Chesney. I think it was Kenny Chesney. At least, that's what you all kept yelling.

You just don't LOOK like country music fans. From the 2 foot high mohawk to the endless belly button exposure, none of you were overly "country". Or wholesome. Or clean. But I digress.

My point, through all this rambling, is that your fellow commuters, and there were many of us and we ALL looked unhappy about the scene you were creating, don't need or want to see or hear you. You suck at dancing, you suck at singing, and you all have the fashion sense of...well...I don't know. I was just too freaking tired to come up with an appropriate metaphor for your fashion sense because it was EIGHT FIFTEEN AM! Not early by most standards, but early by mine. Lets just say it sucked too and be done with it.

I understand that you are teenagers and come with a predisposed "dude, I SO don't care what you think about me...well really I do, but I don't want YOU to know that" attitude and you feel that that attitude gives you the right to inflict your horrid performance on the rest of us. Twerps.

I place a curse on you, you acne ladened little beasties. One day, one fateful day, you too will be old like me and you will be on some form of rapid transit and an offensive little trog of a teenager will do something loud, heinous and obnoxious infront of you and suddenly, you will be overwhelmed with embarrassment because you will realize that you were once one of them. One of those odious, obnoxious, LOUD scourges of humanity. That embarrassment will haunt you the rest of your days, causing you endless grief and torment.

mwa ha ha ha ha...

Signed,
The angry blonde in the back seat, on behalf of the 8:15 Edmonds to New West skytrain.

perhaps I should drink more coffee in the mornings. maybe that would prevent outbursts like these...

Doing the shoe

There is a phenomenon in Vancouver know as...

The Army and Navy Shoe Sale

Women line up for hours for ludicrous deals on designer shoes. And some "sub designer" shoes that seem to be made out of cardboard. But I digress.

This sale is a historical right of passage for the Lower Mainland female. My mother went with her mother in the 50s. I am sure HER mother went with her mother before her. My mom and I have never gone together, but that is probably because they don't have Birkenstocks at Army and Navy.

As I work in New Westminster, I went to the New West store for the sale. Upon arrival at 7:50, I noted the 150 women in line, chomping at the bit to get to the shoes. I am sure the downtown store had CRAZY line ups even worse! AAAAAAAAAAAA! Women REALLY need their shoes!

oh dear god.

Luckily, my girlfriend was already in line, so I snuck in with her.

When the doors open, I expected an irrational stampede of women, roaring in like cattle to get to the Michael Kors.

Instead, in typically Canadian fashion, we moved in a leisurely, polite manner down the two flights of stairs to the shoes. No running, no yelling, no pushing. We sauntered, apologized if feet were stepped on, and even offered to hand each other baskets.

Disappointing.

I only purchased one pair of shoes, very similar to the ones pictured above but without the bows.

ONLY ONE PAIR!

Cultural Cruise only went home with two pairs (she was at downtown). She is holding out for a third pair, same style as one of the others but in a different colour.

I think I may need to go back...they restock all week until there are no more shoes left...I am sensing a size 10 Michael Kors sandal calling my name....

Shoe it up ladies! Shoe it up!

Hiding under my desk

There are times when I read the news and I want to hide under my desk. From shootings in Virginia, to mobile phones wiping out our bees, I just don't want to know anymore.

I need laughter. I need frivolity. But somehow today, I just can't do it.

So instead, I will lower my head in a moment of silence for all that we have lost, and seem to be losing.

We will return to our regularly scheduled irreverence tomorrow. In its stead, please hug your neighbour and tell someone you love them.

An Ode to Hot Lunch

Before you ask, no I do NOT spend all day on You Tube...these things just find their way to me...

Hot Lunch and I met when he was the IT Helpdesk at the company I was working for at the time. There were many morons who worked there, pestering him with problems that weren't actual problems. Including me. My computer hated me! It only did the evil things when only I was using it. I SWEAR!

Hot Lunch baby...this is for you!

Jason Lee-Freebie or Freak?

Jason Lee makes random appearances on my Freebie Five. He shows up when I watch him in Kevin Smith movies (yes, I love Kevin Smith movies. I am the only woman in the world who loves Kevin Smith movies. I get that. Shut it) and he makes me laugh. He also appeals to my inner skater chick, even though I land on my ass every time I get near a skateboard. He leaves every time I remember that he is a rampant Scientologist. And that he has named his son Pilot Inspektor. I am not making this up.

Today, he is making me laugh...

I give you...Earl and Randy

A teenager is trapped in my brain!

I have spent most of my adult life trying to "find myself". Many of us do. "Who am I?" "Why am I here?" "Why is Dane Cook so popular? (seriously. WHY? He is the least funny man ever. He must be stopped)" These and other questions wing their way through my brain at an alarming rate.

This weekend, I listened to My Chemical Romance at the urging of my fiance. I had been quite concerned that he owned My Chemical Romance in the first place as this band struck me as being overly "emo" and a bit too precious for their own good. And I was firmly convinced that only depressed teenagers listen to them.

I was wrong.

It takes a lot for me to admit that I am wrong.

The fiance discribed them as Queen meets Green Day meets Bon Jovi (fitting as they are from New Jersey). He is not alone in this thought. An odd combo, but true. It is the return of "Performance Rock" a la Freddie Mercury, with a little bit of angst and some good quality head banging guitar riffs. The ROCK the Power Ballad and true arena music anthems! And Liza Minelli makes a cameo on one of their songs. LIZA!!!!!

Even Pitchfork Media likes them. And they don't like ANYONE!

I would have been OBSESSED with this band at aged 13.

I think I may be turning into a teenager. My skin seems to be breaking out, and I feel the need to hit something.

sigh.

To start your Wednesday, I give you a bit of MCR with their new Power ballad "I Don't Love You". Raise your Bic's my friends!

I am a BAAAAD blogger

I have been on a self imposed hiatus. am REALLY frustrated at my job so have not felt the desire to be creative. I have since decided that that deep blue funk is OVER!

I will be back to blogging up a storm...so first, some highlights of what has been up during my absence...

• Decided on the theme for the wedding! YAY!
• Joined a running group-urgh. I hate running, but i like being in shape. yuck. I also had a gauntlet dropped on me by the brother in law to be. He wants to do a triathlon. He wants me to do it with him. Hence, I am running. yuck
• Friends of ours had THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BABY IN THE WORLD EVER! Welcome Emilia!
• Scored Peter Fox shoes at VV Boutique
• Napped
• Plotted world domination

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE