Horsey Potter?

The literary, theatre and film worlds are aflutter with the thought that Harry Potter will be starring NAKED in Peter Schaffer's Play Equus in London's West End. OH NO!! People will see Harry Potter's Hairy Potter! (ha ha...okay, I am probably the only one who found that funny. Blame my father, king of puns. I can't help it...it just happens sometimes)

From Penguin's reading guide:

The play focuses on the causes underlying a seemingly senseless act of violence by an adolescent boy, an act that forces the characters to confront questions of responsibility and ultimate meaning. Through his characters, Shaffer explores the dilemmas of late-twentieth-century existence in England and, by extension, in the entire industrialized world. In an increasingly commercial and mechanized culture, there is little place for ecstasy and worship, yet they remain human endowments. Is our trust in science as foolish—even more foolish—than the pagans' belief in their gods? Does being "normal" in such a culture also entail losing one's individuality and learning to live without passion?

Equus is a fabulous play. The audience is drawn into a world that is at once both disturbing and beautiful. I have no doubt that Daniel Radcliffe will do an excellent job in the role of Alan Strang, the violent and disturbed stable boy. What disturbs ME most however is how HOT he looks in the publicity stills.

LOOK AT HIM! DEAR GOD!! HAAAWWWWWWWTTT

...and 17.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

I did however discover something MORE disturbing than the hotness (SERIOUSLY! HARRY POTTER!) of Daniel Radcliffe. I discovered that George Takei of the Starship Enterprise starred in a version of Equus in 2005, playing the other lead role of the psychiatrist Martin Dysart.

HUH?

SULU?

This role has been played by giants in the acting world ranging from Anthony Hopkins to Richard Burton to Antony Perkins to Richard Griffiths (who is playing the role on the West End opposite Radcliffe. He also plays Harry Potter's Uncle Vernon. Small world.) Even Leonard Nimoy has played the role. But GEORGE TAKEI?

HUH?

A reviewer said of the production...

Sadly, however, in the pivotal role of Martin Dysart, the provincial English shrink who agrees to take on Alan’s troublesome and convoluted case, George Takei should get back to the Enterprise bridge and beam himself somewhere else, as he single-handedly keeps this otherwise stunning production from reaching its full potential. From the first moment Takei begins spouting Dysart’s many long and intricately personal monologues, his character’s frustration and anguish are certainly apparent but, sadly, he never evolves from there. Worse yet, whenever Alan’s therapy sessions transform into Shaffer’s magical abreacted memory sequences that make this play so astonishingly theatrical, Takei’s Dysart sits or stands just out of the way on one side of the stage or the other, staring directly forward like a leftover extra from a George Romero zombie epic, yet occasionally the director has him enter into the visions and talk directly to Alan. Considering that directorial choice and the fact that all the other actors seated around the stage stay watching what’s so hauntingly evolving in front of them, it becomes almost frustrating that Takei just continues to gape out over the audience members’ heads in his most solemn but blankly disaffected Mr. Sulu-spawned expression.

I am really sad I missed that performance.

And again...HOW HOT IS DANIEL RADCLIFFE! The upcoming Harry Potter movie has taken on a whole new appeal for me. I also am going to be seeking some therapy as he is SEVENTEEN! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Bridezilla?

I fear becoming a bridezilla.

I am fairly certain it won't come of that. My fiance is on daily "bridezilla watch" and my bridesmaids, friends and relations have all been given cart blanche to tell me to "f&*#$&* off" if I become too scary, crazy, demanding etc. I have crossed the line once already when I asked the affianced if he was planning on getting his brows manicured before the wedding. He has one hair between his eyebrows. Unless the photographer is planning on taking pictures of us with a SUPER zoom lens, no one will notice the one hair. I have apologized. It was SO FAR across the line.

I have encountered SEVERAL bridezillas. Most brides have moments of "zilla-ness", and that is somewhat forgivable. I have not seen someone in a few years due to her bridezilla moments. There was snapping involved. Actual snapping. At me. rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. More on that in a future issue.

I am now declaring in a public forum if crazy-ass bridezilla-like tendencies are noticed, the noticer is free to send the noticee the following card.
These bridezilla-like tendencies are recognized by the following characteristics:

1. screaming
2. crying and pulling of hair
3. self induced vomiting
   
4. hyperventilating
5. obsession with table layouts
6. snapping (seriously. She snapped her fingers at me!)
7. obvious psychotic behaviour
   

Thank you all for your continued support.

Just another cat post

This blog will NOT become a crazy cat lady blog. I am daily aware of my tendancy to talk about my cats, and it concerns me that I may become a "cat lady", even though the prerequisite is generally spinsterhood and I will be wed in seven months (AAAAAAAAAA! SEVEN MONTHS! AAAAAAAAAAAAA! SO MUCH PLANNING! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!).

I spotted this wee video on You Tube however, and felt the need to share.

I give you...how to wash a cat.


meow

Emotion of the day-Sleepy

I am VERY sleepy today. Drowsy...dozy...soporific...sleepy.

And why?

Because my cat sleeps on my head.

I don't think this is normal.

I have two cats. Captain Jack Sparrow and Stella. Both are rescue kitties-Jack from the SPCA, and Stella was about to be SENT to the SPCA before we saved her.

Stella and Jack-Stella, as usual, is queen of the scratching post. This was taken when Jack was MUCH younger...and not as fat.

Jack is...well...a dork. He sits on his tail bone like Homer Simpson on the couch, he farts, he purrs SO LOUDLY we swear it disturbs the neighbours, and because he is half Manx, he has a curved spine which causes him to walk like he's drunk and he's fat. And, according to the web page I just read, one of his greatest health concerns is overweightness...which is no surprising considering when he was house-sat at Hot-Lunch's abode, he ate TWO DISHES OF FOOD A DAY! I think he thinks he's a dog. But we love him because he is SO FREAKING CUTE!!

Stella is the most beautiful cat in the world. Sadly, she knows that so is a total princess. And a bitch. But thankfully, she is very fond of us, so we are saved from her bitchery. She briefly had a hate on for women with long hair, so would attack the back of their heads when they came to our house. She was also jealous when the fiance and I started dating as she would swat ME every time the affianced and I kissed...evidently she wanted him all to herself. AND I WAS HER OWNER!

She is very affectionate...she likes to sit on our laps and gives us kitty kisses all the time. She prefers to sleep between the two of us at night, I suppose so she can alternate who she tickles with her whiskers.

Sometimes, however, she gets cold. And I think her cure for coldness is to sleep on my head. And its not just the TOP of my head. She wraps herself around my head, ear and neck. All she leaves exposed is my nose...so I can breathe I suppose. So I wake up wearing a fur hat. Usually I can sleep through it because its so cozy. She hasn't done it in awhile though, so I haven't developed my immunity to cat-hats. So I kick her OFF my head...fall asleep...and then she sneaks back on and I wake up...to kick her off...and then fall asleep...until she sneaks back on. So hence, the sleepiness.

And we have run out of coffee at the office.

So I am a WEE BIT sleepy...need coffee...must...go...find...caffeine...

I hate Mondays. Garfield was right.

Sunday morning Hoffing

Time for a new feature here on Acting Responsible.

The weekend ode to David Hasslehoff-king of cheese.

Today...David's ad for UK Broadband provider Pipex.

Enjoy your friend, and mine, David Hasslehoff...KING OF THE INTERNET!


dude...don't hassle the hoff...

Plugorama-Mount Pleasant

This weekend, we will be going to see Mount Pleasant, by local Canadian filmmaker Ross Weber.
This movie opens tonight at the Granville 7 cinema. It is really important for Canadian Features to have good opening weekend, so if you are planning on seeing this movie, THIS is the weekend to do it!

The plot:

Three couples find their destinies irrevocably intertwined in a fusion of obsession and fragile love. Vancouver’s Mount Pleasant is where the middle-class meet the street criminals, prostitutes and drug dealers alongside boarded up businesses, pawnshops and greasy spoon restaurants. Doug and Sarah Cameron (Ben Ratner and Camille Sullivan) have only just moved in to their new Mount Pleasant home when their six-year-old daughter (Haley Adrianna Guiel) finds an addict’s discarded needle in their own backyard. Only four blocks from the Cameron house is Nadia (Katie Boland), a recently turned teenage prostitute and heroin addict who lives in a run down house with her boyfriend turned pimp/pusher Nick (Tygh Runyan). On the other side of town lives Nadia’s regular john, the affluent Stephen Burrows (Shawn Doyle), lives with his elegant wife Anne (Kelly Rowan), full time social coordinator, and their rapidly maturing thirteen-year-old daughter, Megan (Genevieve Buechner) whom both are oblivious to. As these diverse couples interconnect, the course of their lives is changed forever.

The movie is getting great buzz and met with critical acclaim recently at the Toronto Film Fest.
Some great local talent graces the screen in this movie, including two close friends of ours who are SPECTACULARLY talented and VERY good looking!!! RUN, don't walk to Mount Pleasant!

John Cusack rocks my world

I love John Cusack.

I have heard John Cusack described as "the thinking woman's Brad Pitt". I don't know that I would go THAT far (come one...Brad Pitt in "Mr. and Mrs. Smith? RRROWR!!"), but I do think he is QUITE fantastic and sexy. I see movies simply BECAUSE of John Cusack (America's Sweethearts anyone?)

What's not to love? Lloyd Dobbler...In your eyes...Say Anything? One of the greatest moments in movie history, and it just would NOT have been the same without John Cusack.

The affianced and I saw a John Cusack movie on our second date in fact. Being John Malcovich-yes, a really odd choice for a date movie, but I think it set the right tone for our relationship.

This morning while getting ready, I chanced upon Must Love Dogs starring...you guessed it...John Cusack. Also in the movie are Diane Lane (she is fantastic and gets more gorgeous all the time! you GO girl!), Christopher Plumber, Dermot Mulroney, Elizabeth Perkins and Stockard Channing.

I was totally hooked! It was funny, endearing, and...well...had John Cusack! I'll admit...I am a total sucker for romantic comedies, so I had a bias, but this one was really enjoyable. I'll have to watch the whole movie as opposed to random bits. Not the typical romantic comedy either...actually reasonably intelligent, and even the dogs are cute.

I have decided that over the next few months watch Cusack's entire oeuvre in order...which means I need to start with Class, starring Rob Lowe and Andrew McCarthy, but hey...could be fun in a retro, vintage kind of way, right? The fiance is off to the sunshine coast for a few days in March. Maybe I'll watch them all then. Anyone up for a Cusack slumber party?

In honour of Johnny boy, I completed the quiz below. The results are not that surprising considering he's playing a character created by Nick Hornby. And I DO have a kick ass record collection. And alot of mixed tapes (which are CD's now, but who's counting).


Which John Cusack Are You?

To be...or not to be...

This past weekend I worked an event for my fiance, who is an event planner. It was a fascinating experience watching the attendees of this event who ranged from blue collar to stockbroker to old money with trophy wife. I saw an assortment of fake breasts like I have never seen and outfits that left me stunned for both good and bad reasons (note to readers. If you are wearing a shiny purple dress with a low back, DO NOT under any circumstances wear a white cotton high rise thong.)

Running a portion of the event was a local actor whom I have never liked. I have always thought of him as a pretentious git-egotistical, vain, self important blah blah blah. Even speaks with a fake English accent (oy!). He has always been one of those people I avoid at local theatre networking events for fear that I may snap and stab him in the eye. (stab stab stab) I have never been good at these events. Generally, I feel comfortable around other "actors" due to illusions of grandeur and ignorance of the real world. My friends that are actors all have outside interests and capabilities, making them well rounded individuals-a trait that I feel is essential to BE an actor! But I digress...

When I arrived at the event, I saw him holding court in the corner. He was wearing sunglasses INDOORS, and apparently had been doing so all day. He had blonde hair, which was a new affectation, and he was waving his arms like a deranged duck.

He wandered over and informed us all that he was off to put on his monkey suit...then he flounced away.

I was NOT looking forward to this.

Upon his return, I got a closer look at him. His blonde hair was, in fact, fake. FAKE! THE MAN HAD A WEAVE! I was overjoyed with glee. He was also obviously wearing make up. I relished in his obvious attempts to appear younger and more successful. He looked like the idiot I ALWAYS knew he was! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

As the evening went on, I started to feel guilty for enjoying his distress. His tux looked like it had come from the costume shop of a local theatre...buttons were missing from the vest and the pants didn't quite match the tails. There were makeup stains on his collar and his cuffs and overall, he was just trying too hard. He was the epitome of the fallen actor.

Unfortunately, many in my chosen profession (although I love my job, my CHOSEN profession is not chasing money and running a small non profit) end up this way. I spent years defending myself, saying I wasn't selling out because I had a stable job/income/career outside of acting. I enjoyed a regular pay cheque, and REALLY have never enjoyed the struggle that generally comes with trying to make a living as an actor. Years later, I am now watching as these people that I defended myself to are falling apart because they have not been successful and they have nothing else they can do. It makes me sad. And, oddly, inspired.

So today, I am picking up the phone and I am booking two auditions for myself. I haven't auditioned in over a year, and I am missing it. Missing the theatre. Missing acting. Sure, its not like I don't have ENOUGH to do this year (wedding...job...world peace...blah blah blah), but I think its time to hit the boards again. And make sure I don't become like our friend in the tux-with a bad weave desperately trying to convince everyone around me that I am someone I am not.

I am actor/non-profit goddess/writer/goofball. Hear me roar.

Edited to add...Sources have informed me that the actor in question above may have SHAVED HIS HEAD FOR A ROLE! Which means...I HAVE NO MORE SYMPATHY! TOTAL GIT! git git git. pretentious git...wore a WIG because he was TOO VAIN TO BE BALD! stab. git. stab.

A-List-Cultural Cruise

As I have mentioned, one of my resolutions is to write more. For years I have mumbled about writing. I really enjoy it, but honestly, I have the stick-to-itiveness of a...well...extremely non sticky thing. And, as previously mentioned. I get REALLY distracted by shiny things

Last year, some other would-be writers and I decided to BEAT writers block and unstick-to-itiveness and create a writers group.

The Draft Dodgers were born.

The Draft Dodgers is a group of HIGHLY talented writers who get together and...well...

Drink wine.

We all wrote...mostly. But we really enjoyed getting together and TALKING about writing more than anything.

Then one of us moved to Greensboro, North Carolina.

Alarming.

Another one of us is moving to Ontario.

Scary.

But we will persevere! The Dodgers are more committed than EVER to keep the dream alive!

Hence...this blog was born. To keep me writing and to keep me in touch with my lost fellow Dodgers!

And now...another blog is born...

Meet...Cultural Cruise!

The author is a member of the Draft Dodgers and is an A-list sassy chick with GREAT hair and scads of talent! Check her out...her computer is behaving badly (she is on the hunt for a new one), so posts are sometimes brief, but she has got the chops kids!

Welcome to the blogoverse baby!

News of the world...

Report last week from the US Department of Defence...

Watch out for Canadian currency!

That's right. Canadian currency.

Well, more specifically, our coins. Our "spy coins".

Come on Intelligence People... SPY COINS?

A warning was issued by the DOD to be aware of potential "Canadian Spy Coins".

CANADIAN SPY COINS? The LOONY??? One of our items of currency is called a LOONY and its suspected of being SNEAKY?

This warning was retracted a week later stating that the spy coin allegations were unsubstantiated and downright goofy.

Tune in next week when beavers are suspected of WMDs in their tails.

Creative Chaos...

I am bar none one of the most "creatively organized" people I know. My room is constantly a state of Hurricane Sasskitty (much to the distress of my EXTREMELY neat fiance) and my desk is covered by my unique filing system, which consists of flinging paper into the appropriate pile (much to the distress of my EXTREMELY neat coworker).

Imagine my delight when I watched CBC Sunday news last week and watched a piece on David H. Freedman's new book A Perfect Mess.

Freedman's thesis is that organizational efforts tend to close off systems to random, unplanned and creative influences that might lead to breakthroughs. My LIFE is a MYRIAD of random, unplanned and creative influences. How fantastic to have my theory that a clean desk is a sign of a really twisted and scary mind agreed with! WOO HOO!

This is not a new thesis by any stretch of the imagination. Those of us with "creative minds" have been using this rationalization for years, and I can see how it would drive those around us who are INEVITABLY neater than we are to the brink of insanity. The thesis also has its flaws, but I am still grasping on to it like a life preserver. I am a creative soul...although maybe I should pick up my socks...

My brain is also a bit cluttered. The tracks in my mind are all four leafed clovers, and the train cars are filled with trivia detritus galore! Allow me to regale you with this morning's thought process while on the skytrain...

"Ooo...fire trucks. That must be for the huge fire in New Westminster that I saw reported on the news this morning. I wonder how it was started. Maybe it was a cow, like the one in Chicago. How would a cow start a fire? Was it a pyromaniac cow? Maybe it was a smoker...is that how you get Montreal smoked meat? It would make sense that cows in Montreal would smoke. Could a horse start a fire, or a chicken, or are pyromaniacal tendencies limited to cows? Did the cow kick over a bucket? Is that how they came up with the term kicking the bucket? How do we get weird terms like that? I should write a book. Maybe I should seek a Canada Council Grant. Damn. I have to finish that grant at work. I wonder how much more work I have to do on that. I wonder where I put it on my desk? Oh look...a shiny thing"

I am amazed I manage to even get off the skytrain at the right stop...

"Hoffed" on a Feeling

Inspired by Matty, and his clever bit of space I give you THIS to properly start the weekend.

Ooga chakka ooga chakka...



FLY DAVID! FLY LIKE YOU KNOW YOU CAN!
Hey...don't hassle the Hoff.

SQUEEEZE the lemon!

When I was at theatre school my professors ranged from the ridiculous to the sublime. Far out on the ridiculous scale was one that I called "Ol' Crotch Beard" or OCB (kind of like Ol' Dirty Bastard, or ODB, but without the jail time...and...well... the deadness). Actually, it wasn't just me who called him that. We all did, as...well...his beard smelled...kind of like one would think an old crotch would. Gross, but accurate. I defy ANY of you to get that thought out of your head today.

ANYHOOOOO, OCB was very British and used to regale us with stories of his youth when he attended Bristol Old Vic back in the day. He would huff and puff, call us all "gorgeous" and "dear heart" while scratching his elbow and looking wise. He wore a mysterious and mystical avocado pit around his neck and would profess words of obscure theatrical wisdom to us that haunt me to this day.

One of the stories he told us was of his voice teacher Ol' German Guy, or OGG. OGG instructed his students that when performing on stage, they needed to imagine that they were holding a lemon between their ass cheeks, and if they needed an extra burst of energy, volume or "je ne sais quoi" they needed to...(imagine OCB, very British, screaming in a german accent)...

SQVEEZE ZEE LEMON!

Apparently, pouty squinty face here had the same prof!
Shout out to Go Fug Yourself for the brilliant commentary on Renee's alarming face.

Web adventures for the week

THANK GOD ITS FRIDAY-WOO HOO!
Time to break out the mouse and search for entertainment

A4 Papercut
This is one of the coolest things I have ever seen. Beautiful paper cut art...love it.

Mark Jenkins
Mark Jenkins is an artist in the states that does really interesting street installations, many of which involve people/animals made of tape. A bit weird, but cool too!

Threadless
Worlds best t-shirts. Seriously. AWESOME! Threadless is an ongoing t-shirt design competition where the web community is the judge. The winning designs are printed weekly and are available only as supplies last! Winners also receive over $2000 in cash and prizes. Between the affianced and I, we own about 10 t-shirts! LOVES IT!

Movie a Minute
Let's face it. There's a lot of movies out there and very little time to watch them in. Well sit back and relax, because your troubles are solved! The good folks at Movie-A-Minute have come up with a solution. They've taken several classic and contemporary movies and extracted the important stuff, cutting out all the filler. What a bonus!

The Sarcasm Society
These people are my new best friends. I may have myself a card printed with this web address to hand out to people when they are confused by my unique blend of sarcasm. Joyous!

Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
The Church of the FSM was first brought to light in an open letter to the Kansas School Board in response to the school district hearings to decide whether or not Intelligent Design should be taught as an alternative to evolution. These guys have also developed some interesting theories on the rate of global warming vs the number of pirates. It seems there is a direct correlation between the present lack of pirates and our tragic state of climate change. WHO KNEW!!!

I love the Scrubs

I have an addiction.

Scrubs.

I watch it on reruns, I have it on DVD, and Thursday...well Thursday is a night of magic.

But tonight...tonight is the night we have all been waiting for with baited breath...

The musical episode of Scrubs. Buffy...eat your heart out!

This episode has been composed by the magical team behind Avenue Q!

I so can't wait.

In homage to this fantastic episode, and as a shout out to Hot Lunch I give you...

Guy Love

Emotion of the day-Angry

I may have previously mentioned a love of skytrain.

I am rethinking that statement.

It took me one hour to get home. I live and work a two minute walk from the train, and I travel two stops.

TWO.

They are a fair distance apart...but still...TWO!

Apparently there were electrical issues on the track so there were frequent stoppages during the usually 10 minute trip. Skytrains were being forced to merge onto a single track, so massive delays occurred. Disembarking at my station, I saw transit police EVERYWHERE, yellow tape cordoning off areas, and HUNDREDS of people waiting to get on the train. I had to push my way off the train as people were trying to get on. (This is another pet peeve of mine. Why can people not WAIT for passengers to exit the train. Logically, we were occupying a space on the train that you can fill up, so why don't you wait the 4.5 seconds it takes us to exit the freaking train before leaping on to it! Idiots!)

GNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

This is not the first delay. Snow kills the skytrain, god forbid there is a heavy wind, and I don't even want to THINK about what is going to happen when it starts to rain again.

Ladies and gentleman, we seem to have a transit system that cannot handle WEATHER!

Again I say GNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

According to Translink, which is run by a group of men and women who I am assuming have NEVER had to use public transit,

SkyTrain moves customers quickly, efficiently and reliably across the region through 33 stations along the 49.5 kilometres of the Expo and Millennium lines.

QUICKLY AND EFFICIENTLY? I could have walked home faster, if I wasn't wearing inappropriate shoes (damn my obsession with inappropriate shoes).

I want a refund. I bought a transit pass because of the CONVENIENCE AND EFFICIENCY of the aforementioned skytrain, and seriously, they have NOT been delivering! I DEMAND SATISFACTION! I want either a refund OR I want them to offer me a ride to work everyday. AND if they give me a ride to work everyday, it must be in a Prius or another low emissions vehicle so I make less of a footprint on the earth which is WHY I take the freaking skytrain!!

GNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I am an unsatisfied customer. These boobs provide a public service, the public is their customer, and I am guessing that customer satisfaction is not job one for them.

AND...what is going to happen during 2010? DEAR LORD!!!! Aren't we supposed to be a World Class City? I believe one of the criteria is an advanced transportation system. I think we may be running a little short on that regard.

Oh skytrain...why have you forsaken me?

Literary crushes: Nick Hornby

I love Nick Hornby wholly and unabashedly. I devour his books and essays with fervor. He ROCKS MY WORLD!

I have just finished "Housekeeping vs the Dirt" which is a collection of essays printed monthly in Believer magazine. These essays offer witty, intelligent, and unique accounts of the stuff Hornby has been reading, and more importantly, has CHOSEN to read...not books that he has been given to review. He provides a list of Books Bought and Books read at the beginning of every month and these books range from a Michael Connelly thriller to Voltaire. No literary snob is Hornby, and that is why I have so enjoyed reading these essays. I am now rereading the Polysyllabic Spree, which is the first collection of essays from the Believer, and have recently become a subscriber to the magazine (oh WHY do we not have a Canadian equivalent?) in order to follow the essays in a more timely manner, and to enjoy reading about reading.

I quote...

The Believer is a monthly magazine where length is no object. There are book reviews that are not necessarily timely, and that are very often very long. There are interviews that are also very long.

We will focus on writers and books we like.

We will give people and books the benefit of the doubt.

Oh so fun...

One of the things that I really enjoy about Hornby's essays is is insistence that reading should be enjoyable. You shouldn't head out and read the most recent contemporary literary masterpiece because people TELL you to. You should read what you like, for it is the act of reading that is important, not necessarily WHAT. So what if what you are reading didn't win a Pulitzer Prize? There is no shame in not finishing Catch 22 the FIVE (yup, that 's right FIVE) times you have tried to read it as every person you know keeps telling you that it is the best comic novel ever written and all you can think is WHY does Yossarian not get shot so I can stop reading this stupid freaking whiny-ass book?

The stats used to say that the biggest readers were aged 18-34 (thats me!). Now, not so much, as the 18-34 year olds are attached to their computers and their ican'tbelieveitsnotlive music players. Pick up a book dammit!

Much to the chagrin of my fiance, I have an irrational addiction to books. They are everywhere in our house. I consume them with veracity, I reread my favourites, I get excited about reading new ones and I LOVE them all. Sadly for the affianced one, these two books of Nick Hornby essays come with LISTS of new books that I might just LOVE!

WOO HOO!

I gotta get a bigger house...

Emotion of the day-Stunned

A complete stranger spat on me today.

I am fairly certain it was unprovoked. I don't think I have offended anyone recently enough to cause them to spit on me, or to tell their friends to spit on me. I am not a member of the Masai tribe of Africa, who apparently spit on each other as a greeting or farewell.

And yet, the spit was spat.

I was walking innocently along Columbia St, heading for my office, when a man pedaled by me on his bike, snorted a sound that pigs everywhere aspire to, turned his head and hocked a massive loogie on my shoe.

I know he saw me. I am 5'9" tall and today am wearing a bright pink trench coat. BRIGHT PINK! You cannot miss bright pink. And I was the only other person on the sidewalk...its not like I blended in with the masses toddling along Columbia. It was just me. In my pink coat. He would have to be blind to have NOT seen me. And if he was blind, why the heck was he riding a bike? And, if we was blind, it still doesn't excuse the rat pig bastard for spitting on my newly polished shoe!

What is WRONG with people? Who spits on a stranger's shoe? Seriously...who does that?

When Vancouver Mayor Sam Sullivan introduced Project Civil City, announcing that the overworked Vancouver Police would be getting tougher with offenders of public bylaws involving jaywalking, spitting, urinating in public etc I thought,

"Does this man not have enough to do? What about the homeless? What about the arts? What about the variety of special needs non-profits that are begging for money daily? (small plug for the day job). Shouldn't the police be, I don't know, ARRESTING BAD GUYS as opposed to preventing itinerant spitting? Get a grip Sam!"

I have always thought of Sam as a whiner and a wimp and a boob. He is actually on record for giving people money SPECIFICALLY to buy drugs! He evidently does not have a firm grasp on reality. Why introduce Project Civil City NOW?

I now know. Well done Sam Sullivan! If people cannot be trusted to restrain themselves from public urination and spitting on random strangers shoes, I think we need to fine the pants off them then give the money to the small non-profits that are begging for money daily. In fact, lets TAKE their pants and make them stand in a public place to be spat on and mocked.

MWA HA HA HA HA!

I now must go burn my shoes...they seem to be covered in spit.

Cleanse day 6-HALFWAY BABY!

As I reach the halfway point in the cleanse, I realize one very important thing.

I love dairy products.

Dairy products are magical. From milk to cheese to yogurt to that ever so tempting ice cream, the much maligned dairy cow gives us joy with every squirt of her magnificent mammaries. All hail Bessie and her friends!!!

My count down to end of cleanse is filled with images of my first non-cleanse meal.

Will it be a simple grilled cheese sandwich with sharp cheddar on sourdough?

How about macaroni and cheese?

Or some pita bread with tzatziki?

Or will I go European with a baguette, some brie and some salami?

Oh the choices!

t minus six and counting...

Seeing stars-Renee Zellweger

Renee Zellweger bugs me.

There are several EXTREMELY good reasons for this.

1. Her name is dumb.
2. She added an accent to her name partway through her career a la Larry Fishburne becoming Lawrence Fishburne. Puleeeze.
3. Her pouty squinty face.
4. Her freakishly large head.
   
5. She complained about gaining weight Bridget Jones ( we ALL know she looked better with tits than without). Actors are NOT allowed to complain about things like that. She got paid MILLIONS to eat donuts. BITE ME RENEE!!
6. She has an Oscar.
7. She keeps getting cast as a Brit in movies where the REST of the cast is actually from the UK. She's from TEXAS for God's sake! The UK produce some of the world's finest actors...hire one of them! Or even better...hire a Canadian...at least we can pull off the accent without sounding like we ate 48 lemons.
8. She stole my career. I am convinced I would have been hired for all of her roles if not for her. I admit, I didn't audition for them, but I am still convinced its her fault.
   

Seriously...I truly despise her. I avoid movies with her in it. Jerry McGuire? Missed it. Cold Mountain? Nope. Chicago...nope...and I LOVE musicals! I did see both Bridgets, but come on...what 30 ish woman didn't? We'd get kicked out of the club if we didn't see the Bridgets.

So it is with great and unabashed pleasure that I direct you to a review that tickles me to my very soul...

Welcome to Pajiba.

Pajiba describes itself (well, it doesn't describe itself...I am sure it has people for that) as producing "Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People".

Imagine my delight when I read one of their writer's John William's review of Ms Potter.

I quote...

[...] those subjects wouldn’t allow me to discourse on this movie’s most perplexing and insurmountable problem, an annoyance that demands our urgent attention: Renée Zellweger ‘s face.

I’ve often marveled at Zellweger’s ability to be far less irritating in her movie roles than she is in real life — on Letterman or Leno’s couch, say, where she always looks like she just sent a Gummy Bear down the wrong pipe. But here, from the opening bell, she’s in fully pinched mode. Her mouth is a constantly contorted, self-consciously scrunched-up thing, and I’m going to have nightmares about it for weeks. This is not a shallow complaint about her beauty or lack thereof. It’s a complaint about her … Zellwegerness.[...]

tee hee hee!

I think I love John Williams...he may have just gotten space on my "freebie five"

Musical Musings-Scissor Sisters

At this moment, I am happily listening to Ta Dah, the new (ish) album from one of my favourite acts, The Scissor Sisters.

From Amazon.com

"Since not liking the Scissor Sisters is tantamount to not liking fun, let's just assume that everyone already adores this band and go on from there, OK? The Sisters' hotly anticipated second full-length feel like a streamlined continuation of their debut. It's hard to imagine no one had ever called an album Ta Dah! before, but then these sexy troubadours have no trouble subtly reworking the past to make it almost-new and always joyous."

I love these guys...I bop, I groove, and I dream of the day when my friend Billy and I finally start our death metal Scissor Sisters tribute band (nope, not making that up either). I aspire to Ana Matronic's coolness, and FANTASTIC wardrobe...

My favourite track on this album is "I Can't Decide". The perfect mix of camp and death. Loves it!

I am saddened that the band's two Canadian dates are Montreal and Toronto. Hot Lunch and I had a blast when they were last here, it SUCKS that they won't be coming on this tour so far...maybe they'll change their minds, because Vancouver so loves the Scissor Sisters!

Dance my babies...dance...

Overheard- Skytrain conversations...

Young meathead yelling on cell phone...

"Hey! Is J-dog there? I want to know if he's going to the gym. If he's going to the gym, I'll go to the gym later, but if he's not going to the gym I'll go to the gym now and then see him later. Is he going to the gym? I want to know if he's going to the gym. You don't know if he's going to the gym? Can you ask him if he's going to the gym? Is he there?"

pause...

"DUDE! Are you going to the gym? If you are going to the gym, I'll go to the gym later, but if you aren't going to the gym, I'll go to the gym now and then come by your place later. Are you going to the gym? I really need to go to the gym. You aren't going to the gym?Okay, I'll go to the gym now, and then come by your place later. Cool? Dude. Okay, I'm going to the gym. No, I'm not at the gym, I'm on the skytrain, but I am going to the gym. Dude. Cool. Later dog."

dude...

The cleanse-day 4

Here are some helpful tips on completing your very own cleanse...

1. Embrace the brown rice. It is your friend. You MUST think of it that way, because I never want to see another grain of brown rice again and I have 8 days to go. oy.


2. Don't fear the butter. Especially on the popcorn that you are allowed. yumtastic


3. Almond butter rocks the house. Even on rice cakes.


4. Soy milk really tastes okay when it is hidden in coffee. Thank God for the permitted 2 cups of coffee a day. What with the sugar headaches and the cheese withdrawl, if I couldn't have 2 cups of coffee a day, I would have had to cloister myself for fear of stabbing people.


5. And finally, and most importantly, do NOT look in the toilet! Not to get too graphic, but I made the mistake of looking and I spotted a raisin. I don't know when I ate my last raisin. Could be weeks, could be months, could be years. I am very afraid.

Its CLEANSERIFIC!

Working girl blues-Oh that wacky skytrain

Let me start off by saying I love the skytrain. It's speedy (when there isn't snow or wind), it usually doesn't smell (unless someone barfs), and it gets me where I need to go. I also do my commute in the opposite direction of rush hour traffic, so I always get a seat! What's not to love?
I enjoy my moments of relaxation as I plug into my portable music player of choice (sorry, they get enough press on their own. I view it as one small poke in the eye of corporate America), open up my book, escaping to the world of whichever book I am reading (which right now is Stark by Ben Elton) and pretend that I am NOT heading off to work.

Sadly, my little imaginary world is destroyed as soon as I get to my destination stop-the New Westminster Skytrain station.

The New Westminster Skytrain station is a very unique station amongst the myriad of them in the Lower Mainland. All walks of life lurk its oderous halls, most of them drunk, for you see the New Westminster Skytrain station is attached to a bar. Seriously. When you walk off the train and down the escalator, to your left is a bar. Scruffy McGuires. I am not making this up.

On an average day when I walk the gauntlet off the train through the station I can count on the following things to occur:

1. I will receive at least 3 indecent proposals from men who are drunk with no teeth, one eyebrow, questionable hygiene skills and, on one occasion, carrying a long stick with a hook on it...A HOOK!
2. I will witness at least one drug deal
3. Someone will be talking about porn loud enough for most of BC to hear
4. At least one woman dressed in skin tight leather, lace or satin will look disdainfully at me and snort.

Today, in order to mix things up, the indecent proposal included an offer of drugs. At least they are getting more creative.

In an odd way, however, I have grown fond of the New Westminster skytrain station. I get my morning ego boost, I see interesting people, and I get to hear about all the newest porn titles out there. WOO HOO!

Again I say...what's not to love?

Resolution # 2- Fight the fat and cleanse the soul

So, as I do every year, I resolved at 12:01 am, January 1, 2007 that THIS would be the year that I eat healthier and lose those ever present 10 lbs of evil that live on my ass. I view this resolution as an old friend...I see it every January and we hang out together for a month or two, and then I hear grilled cheese sandwiches and fries calling my name and the resolution and I bid adieu until next year.

"THIS YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT", I scream to the gods, "This year I will raise the sword of good health and smite you oh ass fat from Hell!"

The gods have yet to respond. I think they may be hedging their bets. Historically, I have done ALOT of yelling at the gods, only to be thwarted by the previously mentioned grilled cheese sandwich.

This year I have an added incentive...I am getting married in August. How is THAT for added pressure. Nothing like a little off-white wedding to kick a girl in the pants.

My first step in "Operation Hotter than Hell by August" has been to undertake a cleanse to remove all the booze, cheese and generally nasty items that i have consumed over the last few months. In fact, I consumed MOST of those the week before I started the cleanse-I figured I needed to make sure I had something there to cleanse. I belive it pays to plan ahead.

Enter the Wild Rose Herbal D-Tox. On this 12 day detoxification program I consume some pretty standard foods (un-processed, organic, no dairy, wheat, sugars or fermented foods) complimented by an assortment of accurately and disgustingly named supplements like Biliherb, Laxaherb and Cleansaherb which "gently" (ha ha) promote bile production by the liver, support digestion and enhance the cleansing and elimination of toxins and wastes from the system.

Dear God.

I think I have eliminated gum I swallowed when I was 5. I may have eliminated my spleen. I am going to have one CLEAN system in a short 8 days from now...WOW! Another added bonus is apparently my breath smells. Nice. What next...adult acne?

I can't believe people choose to do this to themselves for longer than 12 days. Crazy bastards.

I can hear the cheese already calling my name...

Resolution # 1-Walking on the wild side

4th blog started in 2 years...must be a new record.

2007-resolutions abound. Must do more writing...must start acting again...must plan a wedding...must eat less cheese. Might as well start with the writing.

So here off we go! Maybe this blog will last longer than two weeks...

sigh...